Not wanting to go on

I feel this morning like I do not want to go on loosing my partner of 44 years and having no children with him is now really regretful as I would have a piece of him still. I do have a daughter from a previous marriage but due to family issues she does not want anything to do with me so I am completely alone. Every day I keep saying I do not want to go on. I am afraid one day I might do something I do have mental health team but they now only come every other week.


I feel exactly the same! Jessica 1231

Hello, all I can say is hold on…

You are at rock bottom but you will over time come back up.


Hello Jessica,
I lost Malcolm in January this year after 39 years together.I have lost all my confidence,I avoid people and I can’t imagine a future without him.
We didn’t have children and everyday is a struggle without him.
Do you have any good days?I suffer from flashbacks and panic attacks but these seem to be getting’s just constant raw grief I seem to be left with.
Do you have any tips you would be willing to share.
I’m so grateful for this forum I come on here almost everyday I’m just so sorry that so many people need it.xx

@Jessica1231 hi. I too experience suicidal thoughts since losing my mum. I am under the mental health team and I get regular support. You sound very low ( obviously) and I hope you have something in place for crisis management. The suicidal feelings can be overwhelming I know, but I feel like I have to go on plodding as I do x

Hello Pushkin
I am sorry for your loss it is more unbearable because like me we have no part of our partners left it was my partner’s decision to have no children although he has a son by a previous marriage. At the moment I just manage to get through a day at a time with suicidal thoughts every morning but do not think I have the nerve to do it, but if someone came along and have a magic get out clause I would take it. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the fact their are so many people out there like us so at least we are normal. Not like my sister in law says I should be over it a bit more by now.


The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming at times I lay in bed planning it but then do not have the nerve. I miss my partner so much and have a lot of other family issues which have cropped up since his death which really nearly dips me over the edge. I am literally on my own except for one good friend. The house and garden is all to much for me and I cannot afford to have someone in to help it is all so frightening.

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@Jessica1231 you’ve mentioned a few things there that are certainly going to make grief more difficult. I worry endlessly about the " what ifs" etc but in order to calm down I just have to do the breathing exercises and meditation. This forces me to stop right there. Even for a short time. I have an elaborate plan to end my life if this becomes unbearable. I have made a couple of attempts ( overdose) and actually I was happy to survive. I know overdose attempts are usually unsuccessful and I certainly wouldn’t advocate doing this.
I think a bereavement can highlight family issues that were already simmering under the surface. Since I lost my mum in January 2021, apart from a huge relapse in my anxiety disorder, I had a massive falling out with my partner’s sister. This was only a matter of time and happily I don’t have any contact with her now. She was very spiteful towards me at the time I was most vulnerable in grief. I will never forgive her for this. I hope that some of the extra pressures get resolved for you and you can concentrate on trying to move forward in a more positive way ( if you can) x

Hi @Jessica1231,

I’m Seaneen, the online community manager. I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner. It sounds as though things feel overwhelming right now.

There’s always someone out there to help you through this.

I’m glad you have the support of the mental health team. If you do feel these suicidal thoughts are getting too much, please do tell them. They should have a crisis line which you can call. It’s really important that you don’t hide these feelings. I also wondered if you have a crisis plan that you’ve made with the mental health team to help explore how to keep you safe?

You can also reach out to any of these organisations day or night:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

If your suicidal feelings become so intense that you’re worried you might act on them, please do call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you think grief counselling might be helpful, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. At the moment, there’s only a very short waiting list so you should be able to access it quickly.

You deserve this support, keep reaching out. We are listening.

Take care

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@Seaneen thank you for your input. I was worried about what I read. Thanks x

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Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know just how unbearable our loss can be. I was with Joyce for 30 years and like you I have no children of my own. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to be for us and if I’m honest, through time I was pleased we didn’t have a child as it gave us the freedom. However, I do now regret that. I so wish we had a child but its no good wishing to change our past.

I keep busy, all the time, it helps. Last weekend I was volunteering at the Keswick Mountain Festival. That’s my advice, just fill your days, even if its a walk in the park for an hour or so. Is there a walking group that you could join? Research local widow groups for support.

I do hope that you begin to feel more positive soon.

Hi John
Yes the child thing is quite prominent in my head as the stepson inherited the farms which I knew was always going to happen but did not realise the effect it would have on me. I feel now my partner has gone my life has come to an end. I have never mixed with people as I never had the time now I just sit and look out of the window. It is nice to talk on this forum.

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I lost my daughter in January. I have some close friends who saved me really. I also have issues with my son in laws family and the one family member I thought would be there for me wasn’t, in fact she was plain nasty to me. I was waking each morning in a total panic and like you feeling life had nothing for me anymore. Somebody said to me, and I send it to you. The message is you count. You are experiencing terrible grief, I’m sure often it feels unbearable but you still count, you still matter. It’s carrying on that shows nerve and courage. You are showing strength by coming on here and sharing. I know it sounds ridiculous right now but hang on in there and slowly, slowly you will begin to notice the outside world again. Meantime just get through today. Leave tomoro till it comes. This online community is there for you. We know you matter and we know you count. You deserve support cos you are suffering. Anyone friends or family who don’t get that are best left alone, certainly for the time being.

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Hi nell
Thank you for replying I am very sorry to hear about your daughter you always expect to go before your children I hope it was not to traumatic. Do you still have a partner as that I am sure is a big help. I sit here and try to get through the day but without him I feel their is no point to the day.

Hi Jessica - my partner died about 10 years ago. I live on my own, I only had one daughter. It’s tough, very tough, but I do have hope that I can survive, but it will be a different me. Hope is a start and I wish you hope and comfort. Take care of yourself and just keep on and don’t be hard on yourself, give yourself time. That’s what I’m trying to do as I stumble along the grief path without a map. Bless you and I hope you sleep well tonight x


I’m so, so sorry to hear what you are going through. When I first came in here I was wondering how I carried on breathing feeling like I did. At first seeing others anguish made me wonder if it would actually help. It certainly can help. Nobody can take our pain away but this is a safe place to vent, or reflect or express yourself whatever way in the company of others who will listen and share. I wish you some peace and rest xx

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