I lost my partner, Paul, 6 weeks ago through an aggressive form of cancer and lost him much quicker than everyone thought. I cannot cope without him. I am a complete mess and just cry all the time. I just cannot imagine a life without him and I don’t want to. I just don’t want to live - there’s no purpose anymore. I’ve tried to discuss this with friends and some have completely disappeared of the face of the world - I fear I’m becoming a nuisance to them. I feel so isolated. I just want to be with him.
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Dear Janie I read your message & decided to register so I could reply to you. I understand totally how you are feeling. I lost my darling husband 15 weeks ago to terminal bowel cancer. People don’t know what to say to help with your grief. And actually nothing helps with the overwhelming loneliness & emptiness. I have been going to a Sue Ryder weekly Grief Kind bereavement support group & found that very helpful. Being with a lovely bunch of people who know exactly how it feels has helped me cope. Have a look & see if there’s one near to you. Others on this forum will be along to support you too. You’re not alone
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Thank you - it seems so cruelly unfair. Paul was the kindest, generous, funniest man and it doesn’t seem right or fair that he’s gone. I’ve lost a stone in weight. I only lost my Dad to MND 9 months ago and I wonder what on Earth have I done to deserve such brutal heartache.
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Janie that’s terrible that you’re having to cope with 2 major losses in your life . If you need to speak to someone right now or anytime I have phoned the Samaritans & found that helpful too. They’re not just there to help people who are suicidal. They’re there to listen, sympathise & support & I’ve found that support to be very helpful. Night times are a bad time for me & being awake in the early hours missing my husband so badly is truly dreadful. Life without him has no joy or purpose.
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I quite agree, night times are the hardest for me too. It seems to compound the loneliness and the fact life will never be the same again.
What makes it worse too is all the sorting out. I had to do it for my Dad and now the same for Paul. It’s so horrendous.
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You probably know this already Janie from sorting out your Dad’s stuff, but go gently. Just do a bit at a time, only when you feel like it & have the energy to do it Do it when you feel ready & only then. If you don’t feel up to it, don’t do it.
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Hello Janiebud46
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner Paul, and about your Dad. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel a bit lost and not know where to start.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care, Naoise
Thank you. I have tried SHOUT but they were short of useless. All they have me were links I had already received from the Registrar then they cut me off without completing our conversation
I will try the others though, thank you
Hi janiebud46,
I am nearly 7 months on this crap path.
I lost my Dad on Christmas day 2024,then 30 days later i lost my wife to cancer. So i understand what you are going through.
It hard very hard, but believe me if i can make it this far,so can you.
I have a word with your doctor about counselling. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but it did for me. Rant or ramble on here, it helps as i am afraid we understand.
Please look after yourself, even if it’s just the basics, i know its hard but eat,drink to keep you hydrated and try and sleep. Believe me how i survived on crumpets and crisp sandwiches, i don’t know.
I am afraid friends can disappear, but if you have any support, please use it.
Please look after yourself and take care.
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Thank you Nightwish1, I’m finding my disappearing friends hard to understand, particularly as two are supposedly close. I will go to GP as I can’t continue like this. I must admit I’m afraid at what I might just do 
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Janiebud46,
The disappearing friends is hard. I think we scare them, if it can happen to us it can and i am afraid will happen to them. They do not know,how to talk to us.
After the funeral, they still might be sad,but they have said their goodbyes. We have not and never will. I am 57 and Sue will be always with me, till hopefully we meet again.
Please look after yourself and keep posting.
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I’m 55 and Paul was my absolute soulmate. I’ve found it hard with his family too. Both his sister and mother have both said well it’s time to move on and shown very little sadness and grieving I just can’t understand it. I’m totally and utterly destroyed by Paul passing away. I cannot and don’t want to see a life without him.
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6 weeks, is very early. Your grief is different to their grief. Don’t be bullied into how you should feel, this is your journey and it is not a straight path. It is more like a bowl of spaghetti, you will be all over the place. One day might be a step forward the next day two steps back. I still cry everyday not as much,but i do. I still speak to Sue,telling her i love her and miss her. People keep a grief journal, or write to their partner.
Take care
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Funnily I’ve started keeping a journal - it makes me feel as though he’s still here and I also talk to him, constantly. Thank you for being so understanding and it hear your journey too.
I know that both your Sue and my Paul wouldn’t want us to be upset but it just shows how much we loved and cared for them.
Take care yourself xx
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So sorry for your loss. My husband also has an aggressive cancer, his last scan from his first cancer only 8 weeks ago was clear do we were looking forward to our future. I can’t stop crying, sobbing and I’ve screamed. I totally feel your pain and ever you want to talk I will be here. I feel worse personally because I am a mental health nurse full of advice for others and struggling myself. I am trying to follow my own advice and I have got antidepressants, never thought I would say that! I feel like I will never be happy again. But with support we will. It will be different and we will need to be boss of everything like bills, I have never sorted anything myself. Take time to cry, try to be forgiving to yourself, and let people help. I don’t usually do this, but I’m letting people help me. Please keep us posted and don’t forget to look after yourself, eat little and often. A friend who lost her 14 year old daughter advised me to just eat biscuits. Try to do things that you liked even if it’s for a short time.
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I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my wife in May. I have tried to cope by getting out and meeting people, but I know it’s not the same as it was, hardly a moment passes without thinking about your loss. My Son’s have been a help but they have busy lives and the short time I spend with them makes it even harder to come home to a empty bungalow.
I fear being alone and I have so much I could do clearing out my wife’s clothes and belongings but I can’t face it at the moment.
Hope you can find a way of coping and as many people have said to me just take it one day at a time.
Best wishes Tony
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Hi just wanted to come onto say your now not alone even when you feel your low we are all in a club that don’t want to be in and we can have some degree of your pain and when your here it’s ok to be said angry hurt lonely lost grief can take years months there’s not time limit
I’m sorry your feeling so much that’s it’s overwhelming and like people suggest Drs good start to help. I’m sorry you miss Paul he sound like amazing soul mate just wanted to send you so much love
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I don’t think I can do years or months without him that’s the trouble. I miss him so very very much. I miss his humour, his touch and his wisdom. He put my head on and now it’s gone. I just dearly would love to be with him
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He wouldn’t want that for you.
The feeling of huge loss is very overwhelming I’m sorry your having to go though it I would love to here about Paul sounds like an amazing person 1 min 1 hour 1 day at a time lovely that’s all anyone and yourself can ask…
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Hi Tony
I feel exactly as you do. I took some of my husband’s shoes to a charity shop and was so distraught that I haven’t been able to do anything else.
Take care
Kate
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