Hi all, I have not been on here for a while but interested to find out if others are having/had this problem, if it is a problem at all.
Lost my hubby to Parkinson’s on 15th May, 2020. Never even got to see him in hospital or when he died. Was expecting him home every day so such a shock. I wanted him home so badly to care for him but was told he wold need carers 4 x daily, hospital bed etc. They thought it unlikely he would be home but I couldn’t accept it. Married for 46 years (together 48 from me being only 17.)
I still miss him so badly it hurts like hell.
I live in a village, don’t drive and walk my dogs etc. but the only times I have been out of the village is twice when I went for my covid jabs (needed valium from doctor) and in '21 and '22 a few visits to the vets with my dog minder as taxi.
I now feel very, very anxious at the thought of a taxi into town (not used to taxi’s) and whereas I used to love browsing the shops and going supermarket shopping, this has all gone and I feel so different and can’t get used to being on my own.
It doesn’t bother me at home on my own as I keep very busy but just don’t like the thought of going further than the village really and to me now, it feels such a huge effort I just don’t want to go.
I need an eye test really but have always been used to hubby coming with me.
I don’t have any friends only acquaintances and no support as my mum passed away in June last year. My brother and his wife had/have power of attorney and they both took great pleasure in shutting me out of everything. It’s a long story with them but he is in a coersive relationship and they both have strong narcissistic characters, they are truly AWFUL people and after receiving two vile, hateful, nasty letters from each of them I told them they were toxic etc. My brother had originally offered help and support but all this was cruelly taken away as she got jealous can you believe of him taking me for my jabs etc. She wanted me gone!
My mum left a list of things she wanted me to have and they have made it plain they will be difficult. I was not offered a lift to see my mum or a lift to her funeral (she lived in Hampshire.) Now my stepdad has gone into a home and I know they will have to clear their little flat. I will not be asked if I want anything. I sent a Christmas gift to my stepdad, who I keep in touch with but I received notification from Royal Mail it had be returned to sender and when I didn’t get it back looked at tracking and it was outside their front door! They only live down the road from me in next village. My brother has turned hateful.
Sorry for such a long post, this is just a short version of events!! It all makes me feel even more alone than ever.
Having read your rather sad post I have to say that you have my sympathy. Losing your husband during normal times would be difficult enough but to lose him the way that you did is beyond my imagination.
The way your brother is behaving is quite a shock and though he may be in a coercive relationship he needs to remember that in most cases blood is thicker than water. Your experience proves beyond a doubt that family and friends don’t always turn up when needed.
I can certainly relate to feeling reluctant to go out since losing my wife but unlike you I don’t feel happy being in what used to be a loving home,at the moment it causes me constant pain and feelings of sadness that it is no longer a home but just a place to live.
It isn’t easy for you pushing yourself to go out and made even more difficult having lost your husband during the covid shutdown,however if you could set yourself a small test you may feel more confident with time. Maybe a taxi into town just to see how you feel after,if it’s really bad then maybe someone could go with you the next time.
I know the feeling of being alone,my wife was the only friend that I needed and I don’t have close family.
I do hope that you can find the strength to try a trip into town,maybe window shop rather than go in,just to test the water.
One day your brother will wake up and wonder where and when his balls where removed and maybe ask his wife where she put them.
Thank you for the advice. I will try to get into town, maybe when the weather improves and days are longer, I know I will need the old valium though! It’s difficult to accept that what I didn’t think twice 'tabout has now become so difficult. Sadly I don’t have anyone to me with me into town as my friend (an acquaintance really) who lives in my road who I chat too sometimes can only drive short distances and now of course have lost my brothers support.
Yes, it was awful losing my hubby that way. The last time I saw him was in the back of the ambulance and that picture of him remains in my head. Loved him so, so much.
As for my brother and his wife I don’t want them in my life now. They have no empathy and are cold, heartless and cruel. I think he well regret his decision. It’s strange because he developed a sort of jekyll and hyde character. When I spoke to him on his mobile when he was alone he was ‘normal’ but when she was there he was a different person literally and she would always be shouting/screaming at him in the background. I wrote letters back to them and gave as good as I got. I don’t miss him but miss the support he had offered and we were actually getting along okay but she ruined it, I sometimes wonder what would happen if he actually stood up to her but I know he never will, he seems to actually enjoy all the hatefulness which I found extremely upsetting to put it mildly. I was shocked to get their letters and was shaking and unable to sleep for weeks.
I am so sorry you feel unhappy in your home, can you make some changes to make it more yours, so to speak. I have done quite a few changes and it is a little more feminine now but still have all his things around me, can’t bear to part with some things.
Wishing you all the best with your struggle, it’s so hard.
So sorry to hear of your struggles @CountryGirl. I lost my husband quite suddenly and unexpectedly seven months ago, and I too found it difficult to leave the comfort of being at home. At first I tried to run before I could walk and tried longer journeys, which just left me saddened that I was travelling alone; now I concentrate on shorter walks around where I live - it was just around the block at first - I don’t need to interact with anyone if I don’t want to, but getting out into the daylight does help. Perhaps you could try that instead of planning bigger journeys, just until you feel more comfortable?
Thank you, but don’t have any worries at all about going out for walks. I take my dogs out every day and love my country walks, if not too muddy, if it is we just go around the village. It gets me out of the house and I feel much better for it, especially if weather is good. I just seem to have huge anxiety when thinking about booking a taxi. I have no idea who to use, how to pay, whether to give a tip then the added anxiety of an eye test, which always makes me nervous anyway as have had bad experiences with the opticians. It makes me feel such a baby and I’m not quite sure why I feel like this. My confidence is zero, even though I cope well with getting things done around the house etc. I find the thought of having to go into town on my own fills me with dread, even though I try my hardest to put a positive spin on things. I know that I’ve got to get used to being on my own but worried that going into the busy town will trigger memories of being with my darling hubby as I have not ventured into the local town so far. When I went for my jabs they were in another town, which we did used to visit quite a lot and it did bring back memories and I struggled the second time I went more than the first even though I had my brother with me, so it hasn’t instilled any confidence in me at all. It’s basically just the fear.
Love that last remark - i got a son like that unfortunately completely ruled by his wife !!
And he was such a mummy’s boy before he met her so sad isnt it when these things happen. I believe a lot of it is jealousy tbh xx
completely ruled by his wife !!