Not what i want

My husband passed away in November last year after battle lung cancer he was diagnosed exactly one month before he passed. I nursed him for that month and it was the worsed month of my life we had been together 30 years. He was my best friend and we did everything together including working together. He had wished to die at home but i found myself having to go to a hospice with him due to our remote location so he could get all the pain relief he needed. He was only in the hospice 41 hours when he passed and i was with him right to the end. When he died he had tears running down his cheeks and i knew this was because he was terrified of dying and leaving me behind. He was 68 years old. I find myself most days thinking about how i dont want this life without him. My heart aches and i just cant see a way forward. I have got medication from the doctor but it doesnt help. I know i need to keep going as our daughter is struggling with losing her dad so she needs me she is also expecting her 4th child a boy who is being named after his grandad. I am back at work but it is a struggling i drive to work through tears and struggle to keep motivated. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. I have never felt pain like this .how do you move on from such a loss. I dont tell my family how i feel is i dont want to burden them as i know they are struggling too he was such a huge character. The silence is the worst not hearing his voice the house is so empty. I miss his wit, charm and hugs. I find myself watching videos of him with the grandchildren and going through all our old photos. I just dont see an end to this pain even when i think i am having a goid day something will pop into my head and i find myself crying. I know from having a look at this ste that i am not the only one to experience such a loss


So sorry for your loss Rena. I totally identify with the silence in the house. Losing a husband is heartbreaking, you miss their presence constantly. Like your husband mine too was witty and charming. I felt safe and warm and happy and cared for with him. To lose that is unbelievably difficult to bear.
We have no choice but to bear it and try and move forwards, one little step at a time.
Like you said, your husband would definitely not have wanted to leave you, that is without doubt. He would hate to think of you being so unhappy without him too.
It’s nearly a year since I lost my darling husband and although I still have days when I’m gripped with grief, there are times when I can smile and even laugh remembering things we did and things he said.
I say things now to myself that he would have said to me as we knew each other so well.
Be kind to yourself Rena, your new grandson will be a comfort and a joy for you (although I understand it will be tinged with sadness)
Much love and a big hug to you. You aren’t alone in your grief. Take care, Janey xx


Sorry for your loss and thankyou for your words as it helps to know i am not alone in how i feel xx

1 Like

Dear Rena, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have family nearby and a new grandchild on the way. Keep going for them. They need you. My husband died in an accident in November 2020. Married for 40 years and no children, not through choice. All my family live abroad and I’m quite alone. I try my best not to feel sorry for myself. Miss Steve so terribly and am sobbing my heart out while writing this. Don’t want this life, but struggle on. Steve would hate to see me so upset, as would your husband. For them we have to try to find happiness again, or at least inner peace. Sending you healing thoughts. Xx

1 Like

Rita sorry for your loss i totally understand when you say how you were crying writing your post. I was clearing out things today and found the solid brass lighter i got my husband for valentines 1992 it is engraved with his name with love from me it set me off havent even started on his clothes just cant face that yet. I know i need to keep going its just very hard keep wishing he was here i did make a promise to him that i would be ok so i need to just plod on. Means a lot getting responses from people experiencing the same. My family are actually over 200 miles away so i have made it my mission to be back staying near them by the end of the year so i understand how you feel. Luckily i drive so every chance i get when work permits i head off to see them. Thankyou so much for your thoughtful words xxx

Hi Rena
I read your post - and I think what you it describes most of us if not all
It is 3 years since Jack died - and I still don’t understand how I can live without him, I still wish to feel his company, his support, his love
For you it is all so raw and new - in my case the rawness has passed, I have created a routine , I do many things but there is this huge void -

I wished I could say it would be ok. We just get used to the absence and the pain. I remain numb but that is fine with me - it is as it is

Sending you love
Sadie x