It’s been 9 weeks since I lost my beautiful Mum, and I’m struggling to make sense of anything right now.
I just want my old life back, with her still breathing, obviously this is too much to ask, but I really wish it wasn’t.
I sometimes think I’m recovering slowly then I get so upset all over again, to the point that it’s completely unbearable!
I went to college today and found it so challenging when I had to get up this morning, I did not want to go, I wanted to stay in bed longer to avoid the empty feeling that takes over my mind constantly whilst I’m awake.
I noticed that I was starting to get a bit of my old personality back, and was laughing and joking with my college friends, I still had periods where I just zoned out and couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I started getting really down in the dumps again on my way home, then when I got home, I wrote to my mum in my journal and had a little cry. I don’t want to write in a journal I want to talk to her in the REAL way. I just think it’s so unfair.
Her ashes are still sitting in the funeral directors, cause I’m yet to pick them up, (I’ve been waiting on some urns I ordered) which I feel guilty about but I think part of me has been trying to avoid this final task. I simply can’t imagine her being ashes, it seems super messed up.
I’m sick of life not making any sense anymore and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to go back to work next month but I don’t feel anywhere near ready yet as I find attending college physically and mentally exhausting right now and that’s just one day a week
I just feel so completely lost, I miss her so much and I am desperate for a cuddle off her.
Well done for facing the task of returning to the college, brave of you to even face it. But you’ve done it now. It’s alright i think to zone out in middle of chats, sure its a way of you clinging to a precious thought of a loved one. I’ve also found I’ve delayed an “after funeral” task maybe subconsciously keeping them alive or for possibly keeping this purpose going. Not sure if I’m right in mindset to get back to the real world…
Completely resonate with 2 steps forward and 3 steps back feeling. I hope you’re feeling better today and my thoughts are with you. Keep going
I went back to college before the 2 week bank holidays and I found it harder to cope then, I had to keep going off to cry and I ended up going home.
I have missed a lot of college and my tutor told me she has arranged for me to come back in September if I’m unable to complete the course.
This frustrated me but at the end of the day I do want to complete the course cause I have put a lot of work into it. It’s good that they’ve put something in place for me to carry on in all honesty.
I’m doing my level 3 hairdressing, my mum did hairdressing at the same college and get this, with the same tutor, so seeing this tutor is also a massive trigger for me especially when we used to talk about her to each other.
I managed to be myself a little more than I have been able to since losing my mum but I still had her on my mind all day. I even managed to do a clients hair which a few weeks ago I’d have completely refused.
I’ve yet to go back to work and I feel no where near ready but I know they’ll be getting sick of me putting in sick notes now.
Good, it’s also small steps. Take time with progressing through when you feel ready. It’s a life changing event and understandable you will need to take time out. Especially I’d imagine being in hairdressing the demands of small talk with customer service all day in person, when you have bereavement on mind - not exactly something you can hide or cover all day. Take your time and be comfortable. Grieving is going to be small steps forward and a few steps back as I’m now experiencing. I have accepted this is part of life and to carry on with good memory. Seeing people depending on who it is triggers different emotions depending on what relation was had. This can dictate some (not all) of my day.
Analogy being shedding the skin and rebuilding to go forward
My friend messaged me out of the blue today saying she was popping into town and asked if I fancied meeting up for a cuppa, I almost declined but I fought hard against it and decided that they were no harm in it.
I didn’t realise how much I needed it, this is the first time I’ve actually met up with a friend since my Mums passing. But it was a welcome distraction and I was able to still talk about my mum and my friend listened to me and even offered some advice.
I’m trying not to feel guilty for attempting to have somewhat a normal life around my grief cause it’s exactly what my Mum would have wanted and I realised that it does me no good staying in all the time.