It’s been 9 weeks since I lost my beautiful Mum, and I’m struggling to make sense of anything right now.
I just want my old life back, with her still breathing, obviously this is too much to ask, but I really wish it wasn’t.
I sometimes think I’m recovering slowly then I get so upset all over again, to the point that it’s completely unbearable!
I went to college today and found it so challenging when I had to get up this morning, I did not want to go, I wanted to stay in bed longer to avoid the empty feeling that takes over my mind constantly whilst I’m awake.
I noticed that I was starting to get a bit of my old personality back, and was laughing and joking with my college friends, I still had periods where I just zoned out and couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I started getting really down in the dumps again on my way home, then when I got home, I wrote to my mum in my journal and had a little cry. I don’t want to write in a journal I want to talk to her in the REAL way. I just think it’s so unfair.
Her ashes are still sitting in the funeral directors, cause I’m yet to pick them up, (I’ve been waiting on some urns I ordered) which I feel guilty about but I think part of me has been trying to avoid this final task. I simply can’t imagine her being ashes, it seems super messed up.
I’m sick of life not making any sense anymore and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to go back to work next month but I don’t feel anywhere near ready yet as I find attending college physically and mentally exhausting right now and that’s just one day a week
I just feel so completely lost, I miss her so much and I am desperate for a cuddle off her.