Hi All
It’s been a little while since I was on this forum. Things have been a bit tough, these next couple of months are full of firsts that I have to get through.
Yesterday I set off to the sea side on my motorbike to put some flowers on the pier. It was her first birthday that she isn’t here for and we we always did things and had the family around. One of my sons lives a way away and the other was pinged and was isolating so I was on my own.
I went out a few days ago a bought her a card, that was hard, but I was compelled to do it. I always spent ages choosing a card, the words have to be right and sincere, so that made it even harder knowing she will never read them, anyway I found a truly lovely card that choked me up while reading it and at the same time I bought an anniversary card, that’s the next hurdle coming my way in a few weeks.
So yesterday morning I went to the shops and bought flowers for her at home, I do that anyway, she loved flowers, so I still but them for her, but this time I bought special ones for her birthday, wrote her card out and a letter with my thoughts and feelings and put it by the flowers.
I made up a water thing for the red roses I bought and fashioned a means to hold water so that they will have a drink when I left them, and set off to the seaside. When I got there I parked the motorbike and trotted off to the end of the pier. I attached the roses to the railings and knelt by them and said a few words in my mind. Even though it was busy it strangely all either went quiet or I just blanked it out, either way it felt respectful.
I put a message in with the cards and took a photo. I then went into the town and bought a portion on fish and chips from the chippy that we used to go to and then went back to the beach and found a bench to sit and eat in quiet reflection.
All this was hard, I was doing all this as a first time without her by my side. I hated doing it but had to mark her birthday somehow.
It started to rain so I got back to my bike and set off for the 2 hour journey home. It rained most of the way home, but I didn’t care, it was all part of the day.
When I got home I printed off the pictures of the flowers and one of me and wrote the place and date on the back and then popped them in the card with my letter and sealed it up.
But before I did that I read the words out aloud in the hope she would hear them. I started crying and my tears dropped onto the card, I just let them dry a little.
I will make a memory box and put this card (dated) and others in the future. I will not open them, but someone when I have gone will open them. And hopefully I will be with my wife by then and we will see them together as it should be.
This all seems to make sense to me and that’s all that matters.
Our wedding anniversary is the next one to overcome. I will do the same sort of thing for that as well. We normally went away and had a lovely meal. So I will do the same but on my own, just reflecting on the truly beautiful life we had together.
I hope she can see and feel the love that I have for her as she had for me.