Life has become unbearable since I lost mum two years ago I’m still trying to accept that it really happened and everything seems so unreal and surreal
My mother was my only family and I’m lost without her because she gave me a purpose to life but now I have none!
I feel angry and very sad on a daily basis and my mood changes at the drop of a hat
One minute I’m doing something and the next thing I’m getting emotional and having morbid thoughts about my own future
Nothing is the same anymore and my mind is very negative with no happy thoughts or anything to look forward to
The emotional pain is sometimes too much to bare plus the loneliness and isolation I feel is soul destroying and it’s made me resentful of life itself because life is so cruel and unfair
The time you arrive at the point in life you never want to acknowledge is probably the worst time you ever have to deal with
Especially if you’re alone and have no friends or family
Hi @Numbersix74,
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Seaneen
Thank you so much 
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Feeling pretty much the same here to be honest.
Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate your understanding and as someone who is suffering grief you completely understand my situation and pain
It’s hard when I talk to someone who doesn’t have any knowledge of losing a loved one as they just try to assure you that things will be better in time
But to me it seems like it’s more harder to accept two years later and I don’t want to accept that it really happened
I know that talking about it is very difficult and some people just don’t know how to deal with that type of conversation so I don’t really tell them how I feel
All I want is peace of mind and comfort because my mind is telling me that it can’t cope with anymore hurt and emotional pain especially at this time of year when families are supposed to get together and enjoy the festivities and everything else that is special moments that bring happiness
And I feel abandoned and forgotten and don’t know how I can face another day
Best regards to you
It really is very difficult. I try to tell myself that my mum really really really wouldn’t want me to be sad. In my heart I know that her dearest wish would be for me to be happy. Telling myself this SOMETIMES helps. But admittedly it sometimes makes me feel worse as it reminds me how loving she was and what I’ve lost. But ultimately I believe your mother and mine would wish only the best for us. I’m trying to make sure that I’m at least trying to fulfill that wish for her. But yes it’s very difficult.
Yes I totally agree with that, if it was me who went first then I would want my mum to be cared for and looked after as she didn’t have any other family, so I guess it would have been difficult for her to have lost me and she would have been very broken over that!, but it’s a no win situation as everyone suffers when this happens, you never want to acknowledge the fact that it’s eventually going to happen,
But there are so many things that you never said that makes you sad because you missed opportunities to say things that you never got a chance to
And sadly I took it for granted that my mum was here and it would always be that way
As I wasn’t very good at showing her that she was loved and I hid a lot of emotions as I find it difficult to express myself
But I’m sure she knew that I really loved her
And sometimes I can her her words in my mind telling me don’t do silly things that put you in danger and look after yourself
As I know she wouldn’t want me to be so hurt and broken as I’m sure that your mum would be about seeing how you are suffering with the hurt and sadness of losing her, please be strong
Everything you write strikes a chord with me - and with many others I’ll bet! Thinking they’re going to last forever… sadness about things we didn’t say… not showing our love enough… I’ve been feeling all of these things too. They’re part and parcel of grief I’m afraid. Doesn’t make it any easier - knowing that others feel it too - I know. Knowing that somebody else has a headache doesn’t make your headache less painful after all!!! But I do get some comfort in knowing that all these negative thoughts are so common and that I’m not alone in punishing myself! So many of us do it! It’s so difficult. But… but… but… let’s try to remember that the last thing our loved ones would want is to see us punished when we have done nothing to be punished for!!!
A lot of things you say I can relate too, but somehow we have to go on, that’s life. Maybe you should think about the spiritual side ? do things to distract you. Listen to music, watch a film, play a game, read a book, go for a walk ? It’s not easy I know, but you have to learn to live with as we all do.
Yes, it’s the whole thing that there is no easy solution to this problem
It’s like accepting the very thing that you’re trying to avoid accepting
My whole world has been thrown into chaos and I have no enjoyment of the things that I used to like and follow
They all seem meaningless and I question why I used to even like them
As if I was wasting precious time on trivial stuff that could have been spent on issues more important
I have the radio on in the background but don’t even listen to the music it’s just for a sound to deaden out the silence
I don’t watch TV anymore and used to love the documentaries and stuff
All the stuff I used to enjoy doesn’t matter anymore
No matter how hard I try and I have tried I just can’t rekindle any interest anymore
It’s like life has no real purpose and everything is just haphazard and it’s only you that suffers because of your bad experience of being traumatised and hurt
It seems nothing is real anymore and as if you have been thrown into an alternative reality from the real one you was living in
Every time I pass a place where my mum used to go I can envision her coming out or going in that place weather it was a shop or somewhere she used to go on a regular basis
I don’t communicate with people as I once did and as I feel guilty about smiling and chatting with people I met outside
They must think what a nasty person that guy is, but I’ve become more reclusive then I used to be
I sometimes think if I can’t get out anymore I’ll end up a prisoner in my own home and even if I’m indoors for one day I’m finding it difficult getting out there the next, having anxiety and panic attacks
Which are very embarrassing for me and leave me feeling exhausted
I just lay on the sofa and don’t want to do anything anymore including washing and cooking it takes all my energy to just fill the boil the kittle up and make myself a cup of tea or coffee
It definitely affects every aspect of life:-(
I’ve had to use the Samaritans more than once 116 123. I find it helps to talk things through sometimes.
Yes, that’s something that I’ve been doing recently I phoned them a few times over the weekend and spoke to a nice lady who was very understanding
But I don’t really want to become dependent on them! And feel like I’m being a burden on them if I call too often
Again, I can identify.
I know about the memories being everywhere or flashbacks as people have said on here. Remembering every conversation word for word. You are struggling with shock that your mum isn’t around no more or is in your life. Also the isolation of living alone has hit you and you struggling to get used to it. How long is it since your mum passed ? you need to give yourself time, there really is no quick fix to none of this. Have you notified your GP to how you feel ? or the impact it’s having on your health ? I lost my mum last August 23 but I still have my days or get tearful over a memory. Do you have friends you can talk too ?
Yes I lost mum about two years ago now so it’s my second Christmas alone, and she was my only real family but she had 3 brothers and 2 sisters but wasn’t in contact with them!
I was her caregiver and would visit nearly every day as she didn’t get any additional support from the services
So I had a purpose in life and could put most of my personal problems on the back burner
It wasn’t that she needed lots of help with personal stuff but I worried about her a lot so I looked forward to seeing her everyday and doing basic stuff like cooking shopping and collecting her medication
The main thing really was that I was company for her and she didn’t like being on her own,
And I enjoyed my mum’s company too so it benefited both of us in that sense
I wasn’t a very social person so didn’t really care about going out to enjoy myself and just was content being at home doing things that were enjoyable and helping me mother as much as I could
Yes I do feel very lonely now as a result of having no family and no friends
I was staying at a back packers hotel for a few days as I dread going back home to an empty place
I can’t really afford budget hotels at the moment so the cheapest places are BPH
Which are not too expensive but not very comfortable or as private as a hotel room
I’m off tomorrow at one I recently booked online for 4 nights as to escape from the holiday challenge that I try to ignore
I’m under my GP for anxiety issues but don’t really receive much support
I find it difficult to make friends now as I don’t feel I can trust anyone anymore!
Which makes socialising more difficult for me and decreases my chances of finding a partner or a friend
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