Oh, I know exactly what you're going through

Why do people say they know exactly what I’m going through with the sudden loss of my husband, when they’ve not an inkling. Only today I ended up the victim if a heated and practically venomous phone call, a person I know uttered these words and, bearing in mind I lost my husband 36 hours after i was told further tests revealed a malignancy, after 50 years of marriage, how can someone who’s never married, lost their mother and grandmother know exactly how I’m feeling. Told them it’s different, as it was when my two grandmothers passed, when my father passed and when a cousin who was more of a brother passed, it’s even different to when my niece took her own life 2 years in March, this person, whilst I accept her grief for her mother and grandmother is deep, she’s still no idea how I’m feeling. I found it deeply upsetting, more so because I feel I’ve gone back to square one on the day he passed. Came to the poi t she wouldn’t stop talking so I had to hang up , I wish I’d never contradicted her, then again people shouldn’t assume or impose their thoughts onto you and profess to know 3xactky what I’m going through when they’ve got no idea at all

Hello Day at a Time,

I’m sorry to hear you had this experience on Friday. It’s understandable that you found this call to be upsetting and I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re back at square one again.

There was another conversation started last week that your message reminded me of, all about platitudes and the unhelpful things people say. You’re certainly not alone in feeling this way when someone you know has said something unhelpful or insensitive. Here’s a link to that thread, if you’re interested: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-child/platitudes

Take care,

Thank you Eleanor, I’ve looked at the link you provided, there are hundreds and thousands of insensitive people aren’t there. I had a call from one of my late husband’s cousins, wanting some information, 4 weeks after he’d passed away, her first words were… are you feeling better now… as if I had been poorly. The person who upset me last Friday added insult to injury by trying to equate the depth of grief to how strong and loving a marriage was. Btw… this person has never married and doesn’t have a partner… yet is an authority in ‘knowing exactly how I feel’ and comes out with several of the platitudes recorded in the link you gave.

Thank you again Eleanor x

Hi. I had exactly the same thing with my sister. She said you should be feeling better now and if not you will soon turn the corner and things will be better. I only lost my husband 9 weeks ago and I ended up putting the phone down on her too. Xx

Hi Cassie I lost my darling Ian 5 months ago and I’m not feeling any better. I’m just learning to cope with my loss thats all.I will never feel better. I cry loads everyday, think of him continually. Miss everything about him. Just want to be with I’m again, can’t wait until we are.
She obviously hasn’t been through this so has no bloody idea. You are completely normal as we all are here. We will never get over our loss just learn to live with it.
Take care love Julie xx

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Sorry you had to go through that, people just don’t think when they speak.
I am in my 20s and lost my dad, alot of my friends say they know how I feel and compare to the loss of there grandparents, it just isn’t the same and they can’t know how i feel.
My parents were married for 42 years and although I am also grieving I cannot imagine what my mum is going through after loosing her husband, who she has been with since she was a teenager. I would never tell her I know how she feels because I don’t. I wish I knew how to help her more. X

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Even I don’t know how I feel x

I was talking to my late cousin’s wife yesterday and she was telling me how many people have asked if she’s better now! Her response to anyone uttering this incensative remark, she now replies with… oh hang on, I’ll remove the plaster and check if it’s healed… it will be 3 years March since her husband, my cousin, passed away, yet people still think she’s the one who’s been I’ll. ☆

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***Sorry… meant to type insensitive not incensative…

I lost my lovely husband suddenly at the end of November. I am 52 and he was 20 years older than me. I saw my doctor yesterday because I have really been struggling and found really traumatised by the way George died. My doctor actually asked me had I not realised that I would end up on my own because George was older than me. I replied that yes I realised there was every possibility but I was hoping for a few more years, he had only just turned 73, and not to lose him so quickly. I thought it was rather an insensitive comment!!

I have to say that when my Denise was in hospital I found doctors and especially consultants really insensitive. I used to avoid them and seek upsates from the nurses. Xx

Same here Stevie.i agree some of them can be damn right obnoxious.I was taken into a small room on the ward to be told the worst my husband was not going to wake up from the deep coma,they were removing the breathing machine,I was distraught and asked for a little more time,the consultant said they had already given more time than they do in america,I said maybe so ,but were not in america and really i don’t need to hear that right now,also i must say most of the nurses were lovely,but one nurse said,“He can’t hear you ,no point in speaking to him”,I carried on speaking to my Brian,until his last breath.
Some medical staff need training on compassion ,why do they have to be so cold in there approach to relatives xx

Consultants are the worst. I have tales to tell but I fear it’s too hard for me. They don’t realise that these comments and remarks stay with us for life x

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My husband was supposed to be put on a ventilator for a couple of weeks to let his body heal. They gave me 5 minutes to say what I wanted to say to him. Didn’t have enough time. He passed away the next day xx

That’s what nearly happened to Denise I just got to the hospital as they were doing the same. She did wake up again three weeks later but it was possibly not the best. I told her she was going to be OK but she wasn’t. Another three weeks before she passed. Miss her so much x

Oh i’m sorry Cassie ,you probably feel totally let down to,and that’s putting it mildly.Yes they seem to rush through it all,giving no time to gather thoughts,and we are at our most vulnerable unable to think clearly.In no time at all i was walking back out to the car,after losing my husband,feeling like i’d been hit by a tornado.xx

I do feel let down. There was so much I wanted to say and they told me he was going to be ok. After 10 weeks I’m still feeling angry with them. I’ve just heard today that my darling brother in law is very poorly. I feel like going to bed and never getting up again

The senior consultant told me my wife would still be alive to see her grandchild who was due to be born in 5 weeks. She died the next morning.
He remarked oh dear that was quick wasn’t it.

Yes it seems to be quite common,reading the posts on here ,that medical staff give out flippant remarks,that just don’t match the seriousness of it all.I suppose it comes back to,it’s not personal to them,so they are detached from the emotions,but surely back in their training,they were taught a code of conduct,must have included how not to speak disrespectfully.Think some of them have forgotten,or see so much ,they are hardened to it.x

After Alan passed away, I was waiting for a doctor to certify time of death and someone came in to see if he wanted a cup of tea, she was about to try to ‘wake’ him as I came out of his bathroom, the nursing staff had neither put their regular sign on the door letting other staff members know he’d passed away nor had thus staff member been briefed. This incident was added to my other complaint that I was waiting at Alan’s bedside 6 hours waiting for a doctor to certify him. Another nurse went to do something and I tokd her I didn’twant her to touch him, the insensitive *** replied … well we’re going to have to touch him sooner or later. If I hadn’t been so grief stricken I think I’d have hit her