I thought I was doing so well. I even felt guilty for not crying as much as I thought I would. Today, one month after he died, with the funeral over and most of the admin done and I am crushed. I have been howling most of the day. There is a huge hole in my life that will never heal, never be filled. I had no idea grief could hurt this much physically. My head aches, my jaw aches, my stomach has a huge knot in it. My limbs feel heavy and I am finding doing anything other than sit in front of the TV impossible.
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This sounds exactly like me at your stage. You don’t realise you can howl and how raw the pain can be. I howled so loud that people passing outside went to neighbours to say someone was in distress. My family were staying with the neighbour who had offered them a room so they came over. After 10 weeks I no longer cry every day but it still hurts and sometimes it washes over you. Just take 1 day at a time and go with your feelings. If you want to cry or howl do so. Hopefully you will sleep. I haven’t been able to so far. Take all the help you are offered. Now is not a time for pride. Love and hugs xx. Sandra
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@Louise1951 it really can be terrifying when t comes full force, swept in and carried away. Tumble, and I gasp for air, head comes up then back under again. The hole I know so well, the shape of where they used to be. I thought it would be permanent that I would never know my wife again, but it comes back, I have some how managed to start filling that hole with her. It’s bit by bit and it’s a long hard journey, but I’m getting there, acceptance. The physical aspects of grief are well documented, in the early days I found it useful to look at videos and writing that dealt with various aspects of grief and how they manifest, it doesn’t make it less shit but it convinced me I wasn’t losing my mind, that it was ‘normal’ in the scheme of things. I found it helped to try and be patient with myself, if it helped me through the moment then I would watch TV, go for a walk, do what I needed to do. No rule book, whatever helps, helps.
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I like you have so much to shift but just can’t be bothered. There are hundreds of cd’s and dvd’s. I have the second bedroom now so up you can see the floor and the stuff on the bed is tidy. I can’t reach a lot of the high cupboards that are full of the stuff he used for baking. I have no clue what I am going to do with the 50 coffee filters or 10 tubes of garlic purée. He liked to bulk buy. Every time I see it it sets me off again. I spend a lot of my time still watching brainless tv. I am sure we will both gradually work our way through this when we are ready. Xx . Sandra
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