One year on.

I haven’t been posting on the site for some time now but things seem to have swamped me recently.
It is one year since my wonderful partner died at home and I couldn’t help him.
I simply could do nothing to save him.
I still go over and over those events in my mind and will always do so.
This Christmas I couldn’t face the first Christmas day without him, not seeing the delight on his face as I found a small gift from him carefully wrapped and hidden in the tree.
I politely refused all invitations to Christmas lunch and just went for a long walk in the sunshine to think things over and remember all our good times.
I realised there is a chasm now in my life that no amount of DIY or hobbies can ever fill.
One thing I have found is that I have become more tolerant of others.
Don’t know if this will last.
Perhaps it is because everything seems to have slowed down, small things no longer matter or irritate. They are petty in the scale of things.
When I really looked around it was noticeable how rude or rushed some people are where courtesy and a smile might, just might, brighten someone’s day.
I know it would with mine.
Guess I now think maybe that person who looks stressed, irritated angry, bitter or sad might well be going through the worst grief or trauma of their lives.
Something I would never have given a second thought to a while ago.
So sorry to ramble on and on I hope this new year will bring you all smiles, laughter and peace. X


It’s strange the things we notice now that we didn’t before maybe it’s because we are so still not part of what is going on that we notice more or maybe the small kindnesses we receive from stranger’s. Sometimes mean more. I’m return to work this week and not looking forward to it at all l just don’t want to go I would rather be around strangers than people I know or work with the thought of it just makes me feel sick the questions I don’t want to answer from people I have not seen since I lost Alan. But I have no choice I need to work finances and all that. So yes I think we all see things differently now than we did before we need to pass on the small kindnesses to stranger’s if we can just a simple hi from a strange can go a long way. Take care all x

Dear Cj13
I just wanted to wish you luck on your return to work. I went back to workthree months after I lost my lovely husband - I started off on a gradual return as I was not sure how I would cope and then after a month went back full time. Before I went back I asked my boss to pass the message round my colleagues to not offer sympathy but a simple how are you would do. I therefore found it much easier than I thought I would. Of course I still cried and do cry sometimes but my work colleagues have been so kind and lovely. And to be honest work has been my saviour and I know I am better for having something to focus on and filling my days. I have been so sad over the time off work over the festive period - and of course like everyone found Christmas and New Year very hard - but I know I have cried more because with so much time on my hands I have had time to overthink and ended up feeling very sorry for myself. So whilst I would normally be thinking of retiring soon (I am 64 at the end of the month) I know I need to keep on working and it is the best thing for me. This time last year I would be considering cutting my hours down to three days a week - but there does not seem much point now. I am actually looking forward to going back to work as the days go by so much quicker. Coming home to an empty house is heartbreaking but I still call out - Hello darling I am home and leave Alexa on talk radio on in the kitchen so the house is not silent. Take care - and let us know how you get on - I hope you will be surprised and find the reality much easier than the thought. xxxx

I’m sure changes do take place. I am a lot more tolerant than I was and I feel other’s pain more. I don’t wallow in it but the empathy is there. We may say nothing good can come of such a loss as ours. A medieval monk in ‘The Cloud of Unknowing’, said that the dark cloud of pain can break ‘like blessings on your head’. There is always that element of good in any bad situation. And bad in the good. The Yin and Yang symbol shows that.
By accepting rather than fighting or struggling with ‘IT’, we go with the flow of life with all it’s ups and downs. Trees bend in the wind or they will break. We can’t control the uncontrollable, but we can learn to live with it however painful it may seem.
Trisha is so right. Anticipation can be a real no no. For days or longer we can get worked up only to find the event far less painful than we thought.
Take care all. Love and light.

I believe your right in that once you experience such pain there is more empathy for others.
Accept and not fight against things seems to me to be a good way to help move forward, even through our grief.
But it’s difficult, so very difficult.

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Well I got through the first day back at work it’s been hard but I did it Iam hoping with time it will get better someone asked about my partner if he was better now Iam afraid I was a bit abrupt with them thay didn’t no working in a Large place with lots of people this was bound to hapen I don’t deal well with other people’s sympathy but I must say the management were OK with me I have come home to an empty house and that is good to be the hardest thing to do as Alan was always there when I got home it’s funny how the small things matter more now the things you never think about at the time the outside light left on the smell of cooking the coffee wating we never notice them until there not there it’s funny the things you miss the small things that make up the life you had together the things that on one else share in take care all

A beautiful post. I totally agree about flowing with life being the only way to deal with this…I have to have faith that there is good to come…my branches are bending like mad in this storm…but they’re hanging on x


I like Jonathan’s words ‘Trees bend in the wind or they will break.’ and I’m glad your branches are hanging on Diverliz. During our grief we come so close to them breaking. It makes me think of tropical storms when the palm trees practically bend right over. How do they remain standing on those relatively slim trunks? That’s us! How do we remain standing? But somehow we do. It’s a good analogy. We’re blown around all over the place thinking it will never end but eventually a calm will come. It will be a calm with sadness attached but a calm nevertheless. Wishing you a peaceful, calm Sunday. Xx