It’s nearly the first anniversary of Mums death. It feels as though it was just a short while ago, not a whole year. I couldn’t even tell you what I did in 2019, it’s mostly just a blank. I accessed bereavement support after a few months, it was helpful to talk to someone about her, but I did so in a detached, emotionless way; like I was describing something that I wasn’t really part of.
One year on and the emotions are starting to come out. But because in the early months I was operating on autopilot and handling everything so well, people around me can’t understand why I’m now so distressed and traumatised by it.
So I push it all down, shut it away and try to get through the days as best I can. The nights are horrible and I’m not getting much sleep, which is contributing to the extremely depressed mood; but the reality is that 12 months on, I’m feeling worse not better and I just don’t want to be here anymore.
Hi Lost66- So sorry you are facing the very painful anniversary of your mum’s death. I lost my Mum in 2012, then my beloved younger sister over a year on. What you are experiencing is a common theme in grief. The first year we are in shock, disbelief, and often denial. The “detached, emotionless” manner used to describe the death, is our way of not yet acknowledging that it really happened. During the first year, I convinced myself that my sister was “just away,” or had moved to another part of the world, and would be in touch once she got settled. This is the psyche’s way of protecting us. People will comment “you are doing so well, you are so strong,” but little do they know that before long, the Dam will break.
The emotions, long suppressed, will erupt like a tidal way. This a vulnerable time for a griever, especially since we do not get the support we so desperately need; because it is expected that we are “over it” by now, This juncture is when we require sensitivity and kindness to effectively manage such intense emotions. The last thing we need to hear that we “should be moving on by now.” In many ways, after the first year, we are just beginning to “move through” the maze of grief.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. Do not allow anyone to judge or dismiss your grief. Seek out others who understand, a GP, counsellor, support group, and this wonderful site. This forum has been my “go to” in the darkest hours of my grief journey.
I am also experiencing so many overwhelming emotions, flashbacks, painful traumatic memories, and physical manifestations, following the first year since losing my sister. Sleep is but a few hours, and always interrupted. Some days I do not think I can do this any longer, but then I try again. I relate to your distress. Please keep posting, night or day.
Here to help.
Xxx Sister2
Dear Sister2.
What you say, is so true, 6 months on, I am experiencing the same trauma, my thoughts are with you and Lost66.
Blessings,
Mary x