Just over 2 weeks till the anniversary of my wife’s passing.
I’m am more stressed now than a year ago, I’ve had a couple of panic attacks.
Seems I have high blood pressure, another week before the doctor will see me, sleep is now a problem and silly dreams and thinking something bad is going to happen.
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Hi @Peter17
Sorry to hear you are stressed and are suffering health wise regarding blood pressure and not sleeping well.
It is the special days that effect us all anniversaries birthdays etc.
It has only been 6 months for me since my husband passed away suddenly unexpected at 63 in June.
I find the evening and weekends hard to get through. I too am finding not having much sleep too manage on few hours per night.
People think i am managing and moving on with my life but they dont see the nights days i am crying trying to make sense of this madness.
I think this pain is always going to be with us learning how to deal with it is another matter
Take care
Lynne
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Hi @Peter17 I’m in a similar position with the first anniversary coming up. As with you my wife passed from cancer and my memories of this time last year are very uncomfortable. As with all of the first anniversaries I’ve had to go through this year the anticipation of the event, how I’ll feel and how I’ll cope very much colour my emotions as the time grows closer. It’s a very different , difficult anniversary as unlike the rest it relates to a negative event, there’s no happy memories to bring comfort this time. So I’m trying to construct some positives, reflecting on the last year, thinking of how far I’ve come since that day. I comfort myself by knowing that as terrible as that time was it’s over and there is no more suffering for my wife and that that in itself is very much a positive. I try to sit with those memories for a little while, letting them come, acknowledging how they make me feel then actively letting them pass on.
I think this time of year will always be difficult but I remind myself that I’ve got this far and when this all began I really didn’t think I would.
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Hi @Walan
Positive thoughts thank you
Reminder to everyone how far we have come whether it be weeks months years we survive the waves of grief and live another day.
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@Galaxy75 And they very much would have wanted us to survive, to go on through those good and bad days, to live life, to carry them along with us and in a way let them live on.
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So true we must carry on.
Each day is a new challenge.
We need to be able to look back as see how much we have achieved for both of us.
Thinking and remembering the past but hopeful for the future
Take care.
Lynne
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Hi @Peter17,
Awful that you are feeling more stressed now and have suffered panic attacks. I know this sense of foreboding that you talk about. Come January it will be two years since the death of my gorgeous Christine. Personally, it has not got any easier with the passage of time. The reverse in fact.
As per @Galaxy75 and yourself, my sleeping is generally poor. I don’t think I really sleep now. Not sound peaceful sleep anyway. Some weird in-between conscious and un-conscious. Last night I kept on coming round with a start to such strong feelings of loss and aloneness. Today has been especially difficult.
@Walan, your posting was good to read. I understand what you say and too practice this but over the months it has been getting increasingly more challenging.
That’s great @Galaxy75 that you can be hopeful for the future. But at this time I cannot do that. If I look up, all I see is a nothingness without Christine.
Yup, each day is a challenge for sure and today is one of the tough ones to get through.
Best wishes to you all.
Hi I am exactly the same. Im so emotional again but Im trying to keep busy and thrashing it out in the gym. It helps me to sleep.
Hi @Lozellie and welcome to here, not the best place to find yourself but everyone on here is on the same path as you. Coming up to a year for me too and as with all the Firsts its a bit of an unknown quantity, emotions come in and go away, happy that I’m here, sad that she is not, trying to come to a reconciliation with that. And it will come, this year has taught me that, we just have to hang on.
I hope you don’t mind but I saw in your profile a comment about ‘every twinge’, it made me laugh as I get exactly the same thing! It’s probably not a bad thing, I’ll look after myself more now, but I could really do without it 
Thankyou Walan . I do feel guilty if I enjoy myself sometimes as he is not here but life goes on . The year anniversary has been really hard as it brings lots of emotions flooding back and relive the awful pain he was in. Ive been a wreck this week as my electric went off and the key wouldnt turn in my front door locking me out so I just broke down asking him why he left me to cope with all these problems! But I have learned a bit of diy in the process! Sorry to whinge but glad youre hanging in there. Take care
Aye it’s hard to think back on those days, I don’t think I’ll really get over the anguish and suffering I witnessed my wife experience. I just wanted to make it all stop but had no way of doing that. It was so awful to have to feel that powerless in her greatest time of need. But I did all I could and she told me she knew that, she knew that I loved her and that I was there with her.
It’s always unbelievable how life stores up these challenges for when you least need them, for me it’s an ongoing saga with MOT and all that brings. Like your DIY problems I know little of cars, my wife’s departments, but I’m learning, boy am I learning
And please don’t think that you’re whinging, we’re all in the same place being challenged by the most mundane events, they amplify, grow greater than they are. We all get it on here, we’ve all had to face it, the littlest things that plush us over. Keep reaching out on here if it helps, it did for me, it has for many.
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Visit to the doctors today, high blood pressure some tables and take it easy don’t stress, easier said than done.
I to looked after my wife through the bad days.
I feel I failed her when she most needed me, if doctors could not make her better how could I
I’m still beating myself up over it.
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@Peter17 you definitely didn’t fail her, I’ve felt the same in the past but as you point out health professionals did all they could. Like me all you could do is be there with her, I’m sure that she would have known that, my wife did and it helped her, she wasn’t alone in what she had to face. Please don’t beat yourself up, I don’t any more, I’ve come to understand that I lived up to her expectations, it’s all we really wanted from each other.
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My daughter is booking us a seat at the pantomime bless her to take my granddaughter , on the first anniversary of his passing. ! It will help take the pain of some of it away i hope … So many sad things … my daughter adored her dad. She was the closest to him snd helped so much when he was poorly ! Shes the best really ! Her dad would be so proud of her … i think he already was 
but he be proud she was helping her mum xxx
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One 999 call and a visit to A&E thinks seem to go from bad to worse, Monday is the Anniversary of my Audrey passing away.
Seems I have a heart beat problem, consultant on Thursday.
I feel so down and depressed now. Doctor is no help can’t get appointments.
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Oh dear 
hope consultant sorts it xx