Well, here it is. The one year mark. I’m supposed to be over it by now, or so I’m sometimes told. I’m supposed to be moving on and creating a new life. Problem is, I have to start from scratch for you see, the foundation of my life is missing. The thing that I always woke up to see for another glorious day is now gone, My heart is forever broken.
And yet I managed to connect with her for just a bit and she told me the same thing that she always tells me. That I’m like a dog with a rag. I just can’t let go. She’s told me that more than once, both in my dreams and in those moments when I let my guard down during the day and let her in.
Yes, I’ve felt her at times. Her soft hand on my shoulder when I’m breaking down. The moments when she lies next to me in bed. But mostly she lives in my heart, for that is the one place where we can still dwell together.
I remember every night, I’d give her ten extra kisses so that I had some stored up in case anything ever happened to her, so that we could still kiss goodnight every night. She was such an angel. One of those who some are lucky enough to meet in a lifetime. My soulmate. My everything until she was gone.
And so on this anniversary of her passing, I feel the joy of our lives together. I feel the sorrow that our lives have taken a different course but mostly, I feel the same love that we had together for over twenty years.
I slept most of today. Perhaps that makes me a coward, afraid to face the realities of what has happened a year ago. If I’m a coward, then so be it. She deserves what is in my heart. She deserves to be remembered, and so on this night that’s what I’ll do.
On the night of her passing, I got up early for work and decided that I’d go in early so that I could get home early and take care of her while she was awake. I checked on her as I always did and went to the bathroom to get ready for work. I was there for ten minutes. I thought I heard her calling me but the tone sounded so strange that I dismissed it. I went and started the car and when I came back, she was gone. Gone but never forgotten…
All I can say is that I’m grateful for all the years we had together. They were the best years of my life!
I love you honey!!!
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.