One year

Today is one year since losing Tim. I thought I’d share my experience of my first whole year without him.
Where has the time gone, the year has been a total blur, if he walked through the door now, it’ll feel like
I saw him Yesterday, definitely not a whole year.
Tim left for work and had a cardiac arrest and that was it, gone, no warning, nothing. We are all still in deep shock and will never accept it, but we can’t change it and have to just carry on.
We miss him so much, in everything we do, he has left a big deep hole in the family.
When I think back to the early days and weeks, I would never have thought I would be here now, the thought of him not in this world anymore and never seeing him again is the most devastating pain I’ve ever felt, I still feel that but I realise now, I’ve got to live for my daughters and grandchildren and now want to live for them, I was so wrapped up in my own grief and loss at the beginning, that I didn’t think about their feelings, and hate myself for it.
The raw feelings are no longer there, but deep sadness, sad for him leaving us at 56, with years of plans ahead, sad he won’t see his grandchildren growing up, and so much more, the deep sadness hangs heavy every minute of the day, to see the grandkids laughing and them missing out of a loving grandad who thought the world of them, just breaks my heart.
I’ve surprised myself of what I have done, I’m finishing the jobs around the house that Tim started and had plans to do, it keeps me busy and focused and I feel I’m doing it for Tim, it just helps me.
I have black days still where it just hits, sometimes a trigger and sometimes not , but I’m having more
‘ok’ days, days where I can keep busy, and get through. I also pushed everyone away at the beginning, but now I realise we need people around us, they sometimes say the wrong things, but they are just trying, until anybody’s in this situation, no one can ever really know what to say.
I still feel angry and bitter at how our lives are now, but there’s nothing I can do , we’ve just got to get on with it .
I am laughing at times without feeling guilty, and we need to laugh, I know Tim would want me to laugh again as we always did all of the time, over silly little things.
Some friends have slipped away as they can’t deal with it, and some are still here, I’ve made some special friends on here, and without the support and ‘journey’ we are facing together I don’t think I could of got this far, we help each other to survive another day and thank you from the bottom of my heart :heart:
Also as I’ve said a hundred times before, this forum is a life saver, I think we would all be so lost without it .
Now the day has come, I can honestly say that for me, the build up to it is worse, as I kept thinking of the last few days of his life, going over every single minute, trying to think of if I could have picked up on anything, wishing I could go back and know what was to come, so he could have been checked, torturing myself over every little thing. But now the day has come, I’m just numb, the wave hasn’t hit yet, but in a way I just want to get through today and will be glad when it’s over, we get so worked up over dates , when everyday is crap, so it’s no different, as someone said to me , it’s just a marker on the calendar, we torture ourselves over it .
I will be seeing my grandkids today, and thinking of Tim, he will always be with us in everything we do, we love him so much.
Now I’m about to face the next year without him, and with lockdown and all that’s going on in the world, it’s a scary feeling, but there’s nothing I can do, which is so awful when we’ve lost the closet person to us , that would say, don’t worry it’ll be ok .
There are a lot of people on here at the beginning of their loss, all I can say is I am thinking of you all and the pain will slightly ease, although it doesn’t feel like it, and talking and sharing on here will help so much.
My heart goes out to everyone on here . x

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Steph you describe so movingly the devastation of sudden death and the way it transforms so many lives in one terrible moment. A normal day like any other ends with no day ever being normal again. Tim leaving for work and never returning home would have been unthinkable and even now a year on it remains unreal.
Keeping focussed on anything other than reality is how we cope on a day to day basis. Like you I never thought I could survive but your girls and grandchildren have given you purpose because you know they meant everything to Tim.
At 64 my husband John was older than Tim but I still feel he died way before his time and I make no apology for feeling bitter that his life was cut short in a brutally sudden fashion. Out with our younger son one evening a year ago this Saturday. Alive and joking one moment dead the next. Our WhatsApp conversation interrupted by a phone call from a policeman urging me to get to the hospital ASAP. To anyone who says ‘that’s the way I would like to go’ it really isn’t.
You are absolutely right when you say that this forum has contributed to our still being here. Being able to connect with others who have experienced such an overwhelming loss and shock is a lifesaver. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it cannot truly understand. I myself couldn’t before it happened. Somehow we learn to live with the loss but there is always that little hope that it hasn’t really happened. The sense of unease that it causes becomes a way of life and although life goes on somehow, it’s as different people. We cannot be the same without the one person around whom our whole life revolved.
Your message is a heartbreaking description of life without Tim but also a tribute of undying love. You offer hope to all of us on here facing the same uphill battle. Xx

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Thanks Barbara :kissing_heart:

Hi your post is beautiful I’m so glad your feeling a little ease 8 months in I feel worst but like you I have to do things because of my family. Love to you xx

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