I’ve been on my own for 4 years now, I was married for 38 years and had my husband in my life for 47 years. My husband was diagnosed with Microscopic Polyangitis in 2000, a rare immune system problem. Life from then was often unpredictable, he’d have trips to hospitals to see experts, rushed in with suspected heart attacks and blood clots in his lungs, renal problems but eventually the experts got it under control with drugs and his life improved until 2013 when he was diagnosed with cancer caused by a particular medication he was given and had taken for a few years. We were warned that this could happen but it would be unlikely! I’m not going into details about his last 5 years, it was a roller coaster life and extremely stressful at times. We did our best, still managed to have some laughs together and I did all I could to look after him and he carried on working until 2017, he was a very strong person mentally and physically. He was a very funny and clever man.
I am still finding it very hard at times to get to grips with my grief. My husband was my life, we did everything together, which was perhaps a mistake. Our house was very noisy, my husband was a music fan with a very eclectic taste. Now the house is very quiet, I try to listen to music but it upsets me so much I just can’t bear it. Music I listen to I listened to with him and everything has a memory in it, mostly happy but somehow that only makes it worse. I’ve tried new music but then I ask myself ‘what would he think of that?’
I have a dragging sadness that just won’t go away. I’m not bad for a few weeks, I’m working, gardening, doing what I do then something will happen, a bit of music in a supermarket, I’ll find something in a drawer, cooking a meal, a memory, a photo, a tv programme, Boris bloody Johnson! (my husband really disliked the Tory party), all sorts of things and that’s it, I feel as bad as I did when I’d just lost him. I’ll cry for days and feel sorry for myself, then I’ll feel guilty and I can’t speak to anyone about it.
Does anyone else out there feel similar?
I have one very good friend, we were at school together and she has been a great support to me but she lives 250 miles away. I have a sister who gets frustrated and fed up with me so I can’t talk to her about how I feel and my husband’s 3 siblings have stopped getting in touch and strangely people who I thought were friends have quietly faded away and it’s not because I talk about my feelings and my husband to them at all. I don’t mention him.
My son is a great comfort and I love him and he helps me a lot but he won’t talk about his dad. I want to speak about him but if I mention him it’s like a tumble weed blowing by in silence.
I know I’ll never get over my loss, my life has changed in so many ways and he’ll always be in my head, everything I do, there he’ll be. I suppose time is a healer, that’s what folk say.
I just wonder if anyone out there is in a similar situation. I don’t want to talk about illness and cancer. I’m sick of it, I’d be interested to know how other people cope with their grief and get over sad humps in the road.
Regards LouiseT