I’m only 38 and I lost my partner last week after an 8 week battle in hospital.
I don’t know what to do, Iv lost him and the life we wanted together.
I can go home, I’m scared to be there.
I’m scared to go, I don’t want to go on. He was the only thing that could take my pain away.
His funeral is in two weeks it feels like an eternity away.
People ask horrid questions, ask if they can bury something with him l. Arrange stuff around you, talk about giving his stuff away.
His pictures used to comfort me now they just make the pain worse . I’m scared I’ll lose the memories lose the feeling of him holding me and the sound of his voice.
This has torn me apart
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@Kamodedo Hello and sadly welcome to the site, so sorry to hear of the death of your partner, it is something that all of us here can understand and relate to. You’re among people who know how you feel. It’s been around 17 months for me since I lost my wife, things were very tough, utterly bewildering and very, very painful at the start. It’s a very tough road you have in front of you, the best advice I can give is take all and any help offered to you, if you have close family or friends lean on them, they will want to help but simply wont know how. Tell them what you need them to do. Try and eat or at least stay hydrated, it might not seem important but it really does help.
I can understand the pain you feel from looking at photos, it was the same for me at first, still is on occasion, but it gets easier, you will remember him and smile, it takes time. You won’t forget him, you’ll carry him with you, we all somehow eventually work out how to do that. Please keep posting on here if you think it will help, there’s no judgement, we’ve all been you in one way or another.
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Sorry for your loss , i lost my husband January this year ,You will never lose the memories you shared together.Try and take one day at a time,it is not easy but you will be okay.Do not listen to what others say ,do what you think is best for you.You will get through his funeral when the time comes and find strength .Hope this helps.
Hello Kamodedo
I am so very sorry for your loss, and so sorry you find yourself on this site, but you have come to a good place, and I understand were you are coming from, and that you are not only greaving, but have suffered, and are suffering trarma, both directly, and indirectly related to your loss.
I lost my mum some 15 months ago, she passed in my arms at 95 from dementia, I had been her main carer for some 4 years and not only was I greaving, but my health was broken, I was almost hospitalised and am only know starting to recover, I had hypertension, ptsd, depression, chronic fatigue, self neglect(not eating/sleeping) and anticipatory grief (grief of a forth coming event, there are 16 types of grief) was regarded as a suicide risk and put under the mental health nurse by my mums GP, who took one look at me on a home visit and promptly did it.
My mum wanted to pass away at home, and my being the only other surviving family member, it fell to me to bring that about, I also had to check on her end of life palatine care, no one without medical training should have to do that, let alone for a close relative, but the world was at war with covid and resources were stretched, and had she been hospitalised she would have been basically left to die in a back room like a piece of discarded luggage on a railway platform, I was her son, I was available, it was her final request and it was the rite thing to do.
For the last 11 days of her life, I sat next to her bed holding her hand day and night,it might have been my mums Calgary, but I walked every step of the way with her through the valley of death, and its no wonder I was ill at the end of it.
Try not to be afraid of going home, and please do not think about not going on, I have been there, and some days I still have moments like that, then I think of the sacrifices my mums generation made to beat Hitler (she lost her cousin on 22nd May 1941 in the middle east) and THAT, gives me the steel to go on.
If people are asking you horrid questions, ask them to leave, the funeral arrangements are a matter for you, and you alone as long as you concur with your partners wishes.
My mum expressed a wish to be cremated, It was early January, I did not want to bring distant relations up the motorway at that time of year who were in there 80’s, I went for direct cremation with the coop, and arranged a funeral in April with the ashes(my mum allowed me to keep them) so they form the central piece of the wall memorial to my family.
PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU CANNOT UNDO, grieving makes us do things that we might regret later, for know, just put his pictures away somewhere, in time you may be glad you kept them, they are happy memories, cling on to them for know, your partner is with you in spirit, and resist the temptation of just giving away his things, ask yourself what he would want you to do.
I do not know your circumstances, you may or may not be a mother, but one day, you may love, and be loved again, I know you are in your darkest hours, and I have been there, when my mum passed and her body was removed later that night I just curled up in my sleeping bag in a freezing cold house and was just waiting for my own end, I did not want to go on, but I was lucky, I was found, so I have a very good idea how you are feeling, please please please, resist the temptation of self harm, I have no palliative I can offer you for grief, but if you feel ill YOU MUST SEE YOUR GP, grief effects every cell in your mind and body and can and does effect us in many ways, try to eat properly, I suggest eat anything you fancy regularly in small amounts, drink milk if you can, it hydrates better then water and is also food, avoid alcohol, its a depressant, cups of tea is a much better idea. grief effects the digestion system, try to keep warm, plenty of sleep is probably a good idea.
May God give you strength and guidance in the days and weeks ahead.
Blessings to you Kamodedo, you are in my prayers 
Tim xx
Grief, is the price we pay for love,
I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sorry because I know the exactly how you’re feeling and it makes me so sad knowing others are suffering the pain that I am. I lost my partner 6 weeks ago and I’m still just spending my days crying on the sofa and hoping I don’t wake up in the morning. Pictures and memories are still painful, I found him, he was cold and the look on his face 
that moment keeps replaying in my mind.
I hope you have support of friends and family and be kind to yourself in these early and awful days
It makes me sad to, however it also helps me to know other feelings it to if that makes sense. Like I’m normal and not broken.
I was there when he died, I watched them try to resuscitate him from the next room for 45 mins they let me in to him for the last two rounds. The let me clean his face when they removed the equipment. I’m glad I was there for him. But I see it all the time.
Yes I get that, seeing other people’s stories and how they are feeling is helpful in a messed up selfish kind of way.
I have been to by GP and was given medication for PTSD and depression so I’m hoping they help once they kick in, anything to take the crippling pain away. I’m 33 so I really don’t want to spend the long years feeling so sad and in despair. Look after yourself x
I’m only 38, Im scared of spending years longing and earning for him. He was the only thing that stopped my pain inside and it took me so long to find him. And not I have to spend so long with our him again.
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