Hi I lost my husband just 6 short weeks ago as of tomorrow, he was only 66y we had been married 46 years, in fact we had just had our anniversary 2 days before he passed away, we knew it was going to happen but it really didn’t make it any easier when the time came, 12.20pm 26th April, I was hope alone with him and totally fell to pieces, I phoned my son but couldn’t get the words out so he knew exactly what had happened, he phones his sister who was at work locally so it wasn’t long before she arrived, his passing still haunts me every day and I have these horrible images in my head that just won’t go away, only the day before he kept saying ‘I want to die, I want to die’, I keep telling myself that was only because he’d been suffering, I didn’t like to see him that way and I know deep down that he’s not suffering anymore, but on the flip side I feel like he was saying it as he didn’t want to be with me anymore which really really hurts, I do feel angry with myself as I think that maybe I didn’t tell him often enough or show him often enough just how much I loved him, I thought maybe once I had his ashes at home with me that he may come to see me but I haven’t seen sight nor sign of him but so wish he would, I hug and kiss his urn every day, more than once most days, I just want to be with him again so I can tell him I’m sorry, I have had those thoughts of joining him but I’m too much of a coward, I then think of my son and daughter and my beautiful grandchildren, things are so much up in the air that I couldn’t put any of them through all this again, that would make me cruel so I can’t do it, I need to get things straight again, get everything in some sort of order so they know exactly where to find everything and what my wishes are for when I do go.
I have been reading so many of your posts and each one has made me cry again, I see many of you have been suffering for a lot longer than I have and feel you are still in the same place as myself, if this is what it’s going be like here on in I really don’t know how I’m going to get through it, it’s all so much worse than when I lost my parents which was hard enough but this is on a totally different level.
Hi Freedomlass, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, I’m sure he didn’t want to leave you, but he had had enough of suffering, he would have known that you loved him,and also that you were with him when he died, in time you will start remembering the good times you had together and the last few days will start to fade, you will never forget him, but life will become more bearable again, you have come to the right site for support, sending love Jude xxx
Thanks Jude28, I am trying to take it 1 day at a time, I have had a couple of appointments with the Mind/Crisis team already which I also hope in time will help…it’s just so hard, I knew it wouldn’t be easy but this is just so much worse than I ever expected it to be.
Unless you have been through it, you have no idea how horrendous it is, my husband died at 67 with pancreatic cancer, he was so fit one minute and then within no time at all, he died, we’d been married 40 years, I miss him every day, but I’ve learnt to live with it, keeping busy helps as it stops you thinking, I’m lucky that I have friends who are in the same situation and understand, remember your family need you, love Jude xxx
Hi I so understand your feelings and what you’re going through but I know you feel like you’re going through this all alone and no one else knows what it’s like - that’s just how I feel - my husband died less than 2 weeks ago from cancer which escalated so fast and spread to his brain. The past few weeks he got really confused and couldn’t walk, he would have hated ending up like that. He never came home again from the hospital/care home which I never expected and the house now feels so empty. We’d only lived here for a year and had such plans for what we still wanted to do. I just feel so angry and sad and as if I’ll never be happy again. This is the worst feeling and the nights alone are terrible. Like you and many others I just cry because I don’t know how to fill this big blank hole in my life now. Yes I have family and friends and I’m grateful but they can’t give you that same daily routine and companionship and love that you get from being with your husband every day for nearly 36 years. I just miss him so much. Sending you hugs xx
oh Jan58 I am so so sorry it’s still so very raw and overwhelming for you, it’s good you do have friends and family to give those hugs that your going to need in the coming weeks, months and even years I suspect, my hubby too was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last year but it was very early stages so was just being monitored and it wasn’t that which took him, he started to feel ‘off’ mid Jan had umpteen telephone consultations with the GP’s, A&E visits, each time the pain he was in getting worse and nobody really taking any notice of him, just kept giving him pain killers even morphine but none of it worked, I knew he wasn’t right as he was never one for taking medication full stop, red flags were being ignored, he’d had spinal surgery 6 years ago and said the symptoms were very much the same so had asked them to let him have an MRI to check to see if his spine had gone again, but again was just brushed off, his legs refused to work really struggled even with a walking stick until it got to the point he couldn’t stand, he was finally admitted late on a Friday left in a room on his own, no tv, unable to get to a socket for his phone and I wasn’t allowed to visit until the Sunday, he finally was given an MRI on the Monday early hours due to the pain he was in, well it seemed like all hell was let loose then as he was transferred to another hospital (normal time would be around 2hrs blue lights all the way and got there in less than an hour) to have an emergency op, on his lower spine, that then didn’t happen as the surgical consultant informed me ‘he had missed the golden window of opportunity’ and nothing could be done, only to be transferred yet again to another hospital, the MRI had picked up 3 tumours 2 of which were on the lower spine that had now left him paralysed from the waist down, the 3rd was in his lung, at this stage he was given 6 months but would know more after the biopsy on his lung was done but it could be a course of chemo, unfortunately the biopsy showed it was aggressive, he was getting weaker and needed 24/7 oxygen but kept in reasonable good spirits, he was given the option but warned that now going for chemo may only give him 3 more months, but also due to not being 100% it could also even kill him so he declined and put a DNR in place, his time was shortened to 3 weeks to 2 months, but all he & I wanted was for him to be home in time for our anniversary, he made it home on the Thursday, our anniversary on Sunday and he passed away on the Tuesday, barely 3 weeks from being given the revised time scale, it was good to have him home but so so heart breaking to watch him go downhill so fast, if only the GP’s had listened to him in the first place things may have been a little different.
Oh I’m so sorry, the shock of it all happening so fast near the end is unbearable, I don’t think we have time to process it. Was the same with my husband I never thought he wouldn’t come home again and now it’s all the regrets I have to live with and thinking all the time why couldn’t we have just one more day or one more week when things were more normal, when I could talk to him and hug him. I’m thinking about you and I really understand how much it hurts xx
Thanks Jan58 I feel deeply for all who are or have gone through this, really there are no words that can help but just knowing others like yourself are here for the support who do know what it’s like is in some part a comfort, we can let all our thoughts and feeling coming flooding out without being judged.
@Freedomlass@Jan58 Hello both, I read your posts, and it hit me hard. My darling Sharon was diagnosed stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer - luckily we had private health insurance so she could have chemo which isn’t available to NHS, as the bean counters instead spend our money on meetings and total b@llocks to keep themselves in jobs.
However, following one of her 12 emergency A&E admissions (kidneys this time) to the county hospital, and the insertion of a duodenal stent (tumour closed it which stopped her keeping anything including water down), I was told by the oncologist that it had gone well, and was expecting to go and pick her up on Christmas Eve. Wasnt allowed in the hospital. But on the Christmas Eve, my poor girl called me and said: “Dr xxx (the Ward Doctor, not the oncologist) has just told me they are stopping all treatment as I only have 3-4 days to live, and walked out and left me here alone”. I can’t post here what I’m going to do about that.
I went straight into the hospital (irrespective of their rules, nothing was going to stop me), and another ward doctor told me that they had hydrated her kidneys for 4 days, but nothing happened and total kidney failure was irrecoverable. Luckily I had her transferred to a local hospice by ambulance the next day (Happy #&@+ing Christmas Day), and went with her, where as a fluke, just to keep her more comfortable, they put her on saline to hydrate her. Her kidneys recovered completely which is medically impossible had the County hospital rehydrated her, and she last 5 months (I never left her side since Christmas Eve, stayed 24/7).
I since found out that the ward had forged her Respect Form, and" ‘following a meeting with Sharon xxxxc and her husband in xxxx Ward’ it was decided to put Sharon on DNR etc. I wasn’t allowed in the hospital, and no meeting took place.
I haven’t yet managed to start dealing with losing my soul mate, reason for living, pointlessness of this empty life, and as per previous posts am apparently still in shock. But, I will deal with those later who tried to kill my darling sweetest girl - but at the moment, I’ve been keeping the rage at bay for later.
Bless you @DennisS It is so very hard when you see your loved ones suffering and knowing you yourself can’t do anything about it medically, I can also understand the rage that you must be feeling knowing when things could have been done to help but wasn’t, I too am trying to keep this to a minimum for the time being but things are certainly not going to be left, they need to learn lessons from their mistakes, nothing will bring our loved ones back but if they can be brought to task so history doesn’t repeat itself with someone else then that is good…so pleased you managed to get your wife moved so at least you could spend a little more time with her, I am grateful for that too getting my hubby home even if was only for 4 days…stay strong and take care of yourself too…although easier said than done sometimes.
I am so for your loss. I lost my husband 9 weeks ago and it is so hard. I was there when he died of a blood clot to his lungs. I went to a hypnotherapist who did rapid eye movement therapy so the image of him die has been moved to a different part of my brain. It helped so much with the grief process
Hi is call EMDR therapy. I went to the hypnotherapist for a help coping with grief etc. she suggested it. She realised I had pstd as I was there when my husband died. If you Google it that will explain more. Also try and find a local therapist that does that. It does work and might help with the trauma of see your loved on pass
What a terrible awful time you had Dennis, I’m not suprised you’re so angry and that’s not an easy thing to deal with alongside all the grief and heartbreak of losing your wife and thinking how you were both treated.
Nothing we can say will make anything better I know but it helps a little knowing there are many of us trying to get through this godawful time together somehow ?
Hugs 🫂
@Freedomlass@Jan58 yes, I totally understand. I keep telling myself that having Sharon in the hospice was the best place for us, she was so well cared for - and if the hospital had reydrated her then she would have ended back in there passing alone at a latter date. But then I think what if she could have had more chemo in January, what if they’d shrunk the tumours enough for RFA? She’d be by my side now. But I’m really struggling last few days, so can’t begin to think of taking the doctors down yet, I think rage comes later and my brain wont even let me get past shock yet…
@Pgfg thanks fir that info, I’ll ask my psychiatrist about it as I’m really struggling with ptsd from 3 years helpless despite caring for my wife, 5 months at her bedside 24/7, and the last 10 days my brain can even begin to let me process…