I’m so very saddened and sorry for your loss.
My younger brother died 26/11/17. He was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma in October that year so his fight with cancer was short. After all this time I cry every day and miss him so very much. We were very close. After many years in the UK, he moved to South Africa 5 years prior. I unfortunately wasn’t able to travel there much during the 5 years but we spoke often. Not being able to be there while he went through chemo is something I feel terribly guilty about and probably always will do.
He had my older brother, mum, his wife and 21 year old son and 3 year old daughter with him so thankfully he wasn’t alone.
The week he died is still so vivid in my memory. I remember so much about it. I spoke with him on the Monday and he seemed well and happy. On Tuesday I went into central London to renew my passport so I could travel to see him. Unbeknownst to me, he had some stomach pain so went to see his doctor who scheduled an x-ray to see what was causing the pain. My family chose not to tell me as they didn’t want me to worry and even the doctor didnt suspect anything sinister. By Thursday he was in theatre to have an opportunity on his stomachs which we were told would be straight forward. Then the worst happened. His vitals dropped whilst under so they had to cut the operation short. Tragically he got sepsis and was heavily sedated. This was Thursday. By Saturday morning I flew to Lisbon to renew my passport as they could not do it in London. I then flew back to the UK and caught a flight Saturday night to SA. I arrived Sunday and was able to see him that afternoon for an hour. Incredibly he was still alive when I was with him. Doctors said they did not expect him to make it through Friday but my family kept telling him I was coming. He held on. My brother wad always the toughest out of us 3 boys. He fought for 4 days. A short while after we had left the hospital they called to give us the news that he past on.
My whole world fell apart. We all had hoped he could keep fighting but alas, this was his last good fight.
…
Even after all this time, I have nightmares most nights, seeing him in that hospital bed, his eyes open but unable to move or talk. When I was with him a tear ran down from his left eye. I was told that was the first time he had done anything since being put under sedation. The doctors said he was aware of everyone and it breaks my heart every time I think of and picture that tear.
Every morning I wake to the realisation that I won’t be able to speak to him today or hear his voice or give him a hug. My brain just will not accept that he’s no longer here.
It’s like I’m stuck in a grounding day.
I will never get over it, to be honest I don’t want to. You will hear people say a lot, where there is great grief, there is great love and it’s so very true. I have his picture on my lock screen so every time I unlock my phone I see his beautiful face. His pictures are around the house. My wife and my children help keep his memory alive by talking about him every day. This is so important in this journey through life.
Just know that you’re not alone although there is limited resource around for sibling grief.
I have had counselling with Cruze and it has helped though I know I will never stop grieving the loss of my brother. It somehow helps to share our experiences with each other cause unfortunately, those who’ve not experienced this type of grief just will never really understand it.
I’m sorry to have gone on so long but this is my first post as I’m new here and hopefully my story will give you some comfort. Written with Love.ps, it’s ok to be weak, it’s ok to cry and be sad. We will go on and we will honour their memories. Thank you for sharing your story. Every blessing Rob