Yes Katie13 I was holding my sister’s hand when she slipped away, and I did not want to let go, but I knew I had to. I kissed her and told her how much I love her, as I felt her moving out of this realm. Heartbreaking.
Like your sister my sister died of cancer, and sepsis, but we never expected it, as she did so well for a year after her diagnosis. We also have cancer in our family, and I may be at risk too, but somehow in the state I am in, I am not even concerned about that now. I vacillate from utter despair to denial, to pretending she is “just away.” I talk to her all the time, but long for those daily texts and calls. We were extremely close all of our lives, more than sisters we were best friends, soul mates, confidants. We had a chaotic early life, and that helped us to bond so strongly. I am glad to hear you became closer to your sister at the time of her illness. I am sure that meant a lot to her, and to you as well. Lonely does not even begin to describe this, it is a emptiness that cannot never be filled. I share in everything you are saying, the years without them, the people who expect us to “move on,” the desperation that we carry every day. Your niece is a part of your sister and you will see a bit of her in that precious child, I hope that might bring you some comfort. I have no one (except a very cold and mercenary older sister who rejected us for years). I think we just need to keep talking about it here, and supporting each other and all the kind people on this site. Take care and message me any time. This journey ahead will not be an easy road.
To add, my sister left this earth on May 3, 2018, so recent. Two days before her birthday. How cruel. Like you said it is “surreal.” Sometimes I think it was all a nightmare, but I am awake.
I so relate to the thinking that she is ‘just away’! I have gone to sleep many times when I have been quite panicky repeating over and over that she is just at work, on holiday etc. It’s a way to get some rest-bite and return to how things were just a few months ago. Glad I’m not alone on that one…I do wonder if I am going slightly mad! You saw your sister die, as did I. Wouldn’t change it for the world to have not been there - but I have had many flashbacks to that very stressful 36 hours (watching her body coping with organ failure and her OBS flying through the roof) / and then the last moments… have you? It is all so terribly brutally cruel.
Yes Katie3 I do flash on the hours before her death, when her heart stopped and they were able to bring her back with CPR, there was a glimmer of hope, but then she was so weak, she drifted in and out of consciousness. I try to focus on the quiet time we spent before she left her body, when I rubbed lotion on her legs and put on her socks to keep her warm, and stroked her face. When I grabbed her hand, she lightly pressed back, then her hand went limp and I knew she had transitioned. For us it went on through the night, and that seemed like eternity, so my heart goes out to you having to endure the stress of 36 hours. But like you said, you were there for her in the final moments and for that you (we) can be thankful. It is cruel, and it is so unfair they had to be taken. Here for you, and for anyone who needs to share.
How are you getting on Katie? Still such a struggle here every day. Take care.
How are you Bambiboo? You are so right about friends, (and colleagues too) some gave time and support in the beginning, but now I am finding them impatient with my grief. The few who are supportive I do not want to overburden with my daily pain. For me it is less than 3 months, so recent. Take cae. Xx
Thanks Sister2. Just been sat on a The Downs crying for an hour, now got back to the car tomorrow check messages and saw this. Thank you! Good timing as I feel so alone right now. Not sure whether to go hang in the Cemetery , go home and down a bottle of wine or go to sleep. It’s so ongoing tough isn’t it. I wonder at what point this ‘news’ is no longer also you in the face with a steam roller fresh news every time you think it 30 times a day? With you Xx
Sorry predictive text - a lot of that doesn’t make sense, but sure you get the drift! X
Oh Katie I remember those days I was in shock for at least 2 months then I embraced denial for over a year just pretending he was away and not accepting what had happened. I used alcohol as pain relief early on but realised the damage it was doing was too great and I had to come back to feel the pain in its entirety sooner or later, I found year 2 particular tough as I started to let the realisation in by little bits at a time.
My mom was 70 yesterday and she feels the loss of her best friend, my brother more than ever so it wasn’t a happy day.
I could go on about all the different emotions I feel on a daily basis but wanted you to know you do find a way of surviving in hope that one day I will start living again for him
Much love and big hugs
They wouldn’t want us so sad all the time xxxxx
Thanks for replying Molly. I certainly relate to the being in denial - I often like to think that my sis is at work / on holiday. It makes things feel ‘normal’ again. I’ve just copied your message to my mum too - we’re clinging together through this usually speaking on the phone several times a day saying over and over ‘I can’t believe it’. It’s so nice to read from somebody who can truly relate and is further forward in time. I am so sorry about your brother. I am guessing he was young too if your mum just turned 70. It’s very sad to witness parents in such pain also. One of the saddest things is the mourning of the time that will be in the future. The day her daughter graduates, gets married etc will be so very happy and so very sad. It’s a long road isn’t it - and I guess it’s a road that never ends for all of us to some degree. Thank you X
Dear Katie and Molly, So sorry for your pain. In reading your posts I see we all practice the “denial” and coping method of pretending they are “just away,” or “will be in touch soon.” And I also keep saying (like you & your Mum Katie) that “I just can’t believe it.” I come across papers at work dated “before” the loss, and see my life as now broken up from “before her death,” to “after her death.” What makes it worse, is my Mum passed in 2012, so when I see dates prior to 2012, I cry for what I had before that date (when both my loved ones were still in my life). We mourn so much of what died with them when they went away. I am glad you both still have family to grieve with, and Katie your niece is a living part of your sister, in time I hope that thought might bring you and your Mum some comfort. I’ve mentioned in past posts, I have one remaining sibling who is distant and uncaring. She has her husband and does not show any support for me, so I am essentially without family through this. In the past my younger sister and I would cling to each other through life’s crisis, and we would hold each other up. So often I want to call her to talk about “losing her,” how strange I know, but those going through this understand. But I have (wavering) faith, and some of my younger sister’s mutual friends to talk to, and I must also call on my own strength (when I can find it). My heart goes out to both of you in the loss of your siblings. I wish I had answers, but like you, I am drowning in the despair. Molly you are further along, and I thank you for your sharing with us, and I agree they would not want us to remain in this place of sadness. Take care and keep posting. I am here to listen when things get too hard. Peace to all. Xx
Hi both
thanks for your messages, this is the first time I have approached talking about it, my partner has always said I needed counselling but my family are fairly ‘old school’. So thank you for listening,
me and mom popped up to my brother’s home as he usually came to see mom daily and we hadn’t seen him by day 3 so I let myself in. I found him in bed, he died suddenly of cardiomegaly (enlarged heart) .Our happy close unit of 4 ended and our world’s shattered, I can’t begin to describe the pain, can’t recall the first 4 weeks although I functioned well for parents.
It really is a cruel journey we are on, yes pain but also resilience and a different kind of strength will come xx I wish you both some peaceful moments as that early time is confusing and unbearable at times. Xx
I lost my sister 4yrs ago onthe 7th of january. she had her 38th birthday on the 7th of dec and died 1 month later. she left an almost 4yr old daughter. i am still soo devastated, and pained. i cant still believe she isnt coming back. i hurt all day every day. i dont talk to my mum and dad about my pain, because i cant imagine the pain they are going through. i only had one sibling and i feel soo alone. i hurt all day every day. my husband is lovely, and understands why i am half the woman i used to be. I dont want to get over losing her, but i cant live with this pain forever. lets talk and help each other.Sarah xxx
Hi Sarah, I just wrote you a very lengthy reply and it annoyingly just disappeared! Anyway the gist was that I think you could actually be me with your story. I have awoken as I do every morning with ‘it’ hitting me (like new news every day and several times during the night too), cry, open my laptop and got your message. Nobody has posted for months so I am super grateful to you. My situation is identical to yours (my sis was 38 on February 7th - one week after diagnosis) and died a month later! Re parents - absolutely get it. Although I would say their pain is different but not greater. It hit me last weekend when I went to stay with them (as we sit there like an elephant in the room with just the three of us now) and thy have their annoying ways (which me and my sis would share for hours and hours) that I had nobody in the world now that understands or I could share with. They are only in their 60’s but it feels like a responsibility somehow too. Not sure if you feel that too? I am devastated for them - but often don’t overshare. I often feel ‘you don’t know how I REALLY feel’ - my heart has been ripped out and not put back again. Everything is so surreal and fragile. There is no ‘future’ - I think when you have witnessed an illness and death so horrific it is hard to think beyond now, today? My parents seem quite restrained in their grief - whereas I am breaking down absolutely all over the place! Often staying in to ‘manage’ my new world and overwhelming grief. My husband too is fab (although not around too much with work) and your comment about being ‘half the woman’. Oh my goodness I couldn’t possibly agree more. I don’t know the way forward really - you are four years ‘in’. I am afraid I can’t comment - I guess this is it? Although I know my sis would want me to live life to the max (as she did) - but there’s the reality of what seems like living with a crippling illness called grief to contend with which rears its ugly head about every ten minutes! I am SO glad you messaged. It is rare for someone to have lost their only sibling I have found (in fact despite the ongoing need in me to tell random strangers about my loss in the hope that one day someone might say ‘me too!’,) I haven’t met anyone who has lost a sibling - let alone their only. With the average woman living until 83 - I find it gut wrenchingly heart breaking that there are 45 years lost. It breaks my heart that there will be so many times when I will want her there - often for advice about my teenage children (what she did for a job and was spectacular at) that makes me feel so sad. Please reply! It is so so lovely to chat to someone in exactly the same position. I get quite irritated (wrongly I know) about people that have lost people that are in their 80’s and 90’s (the only ages of the people lost in my bereavement group). In fact it made me quite furious. Despite being told by the grief counsellor ’ there is no hierarchy in grief’, nobody can truly understand what it is to have lost somebody way way before their time and somebody that should be here right now. Thank you XX
The only thing is - do you see your niece? My sis (I hate writing ‘left’ as she didn’t chose to but you know what I mean) left her daughter who had recently turned 5. I get to see her (when it is convenient to the father) and it is a God send. It sometimes feels like my sis has been replaced by a mini me 5 year old. What I struggle with ( and am trying to come to terms with that she isn’t ‘my’ child) is that we don’t have ‘free’ access to her. She is it feels now part of another family / different blood. It doesn’t help that my sis was estranged from her husband but that is a different story. It is like very much that access is not on our terms at all. I find that very hard indeed and sad. I’d love to hear your situation about your niece.
Hello Sarahmac,
I am so sorry for your loss, and the recent birthday of your dear sister. I am facing the first holiday without my sweet, loving best friend and younger sister, who died in May of this year. I have another sister (older) however I might as well have had only one, because the older one was not close to us throughout our lives, and is incapable of showing any support to me now. I can relate to feeling as “half a woman,” because losing a sibling is losing a part of ourselves. I imagine I will feel as you do 4 years on and beyond. I will be glad to share thoughts and feelings, or just listen if you need that. I know how hard it is to accept this loss. Hold on, and know others care. Xxx Sister2
Helen, Thank you for responding. This is the first time i have reached out to something like this, although like you, will tell anyone stood next to me long enough, that i have lost a sister. I genuinely dont know what the answer is. I just know that my relationship with my parents has drifted because of our grief, but im really hoping itll come back again one day. I do however see my niece. The problem is that my brother in law is a complete and utter arsehole, he was when Kelly was still alive. We all bit our tongue and just watched how badly he treated her for her sake, particularly when she got ill. the truth is, if she hadnt got ill, she probably wouldnt be married to him now. So my parents have had many a fall out with him since my sister went, but i have had many a drunken night with him, when its easier to tell him how i feel he let kelly down. Him and my niece have been on holiday with us for the past 3 yrs since we lost her. it is certainly not my idea of a good holiday, as he is such as self centred arkward man, but i do it for my niece and ultimately for my sister. After making her a promise that itd be OK when she wasnt here anymore. This is the first yr they havent joined us for Christmas dinner. He met a new girlfriend last Christmas, and so this yr has spent the day with her and her children along with my niece. they are coming to see us tomoorrow. Him and his new gf actually came on holiday with us this yr too. With her 2 children, my niece and our 3 children. Got to admit, it was really strange. theyre are not many women who would go on holiday with their dead sisters husband and his new gf. but i did it again fior my niece. I have to keep her in my life. I hope this helps a little. please reply.Sarah xx
Thank you very much for your kind words, and im sorry that you now know that it takes a long time to heal. talk to me anytime you want. xx
Hi Helen
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I read this and I think I understand where you are coming from. I lost my 49 year old brother on November 2nd in a very quick and shocking way. I also lost my mom eight years ago. I am only 42 so all very overwhelming and very hard to cope with. The only thing that seems to be helping me is being very kind to myself… only seeing people I really want to be around and only coping with what I can. I wish I could give you a magic answer but sadly I think there is not one 
do you have much support around you ? Wishing you lots of love x Charlotte x
Hi Helen
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I read this and I think I understand where you are coming from. I lost my 49 year old brother on November 2nd in a very quick and shocking way. I also lost my mom eight years ago. I am only 42 so all very overwhelming and very hard to cope with. The only thing that seems to be helping me is being very kind to myself… only seeing people I really want to be around and only coping with what I can. I wish I could give you a magic answer but sadly I think there is not one do you have much support around you ? Wishing you lots of love x Charlotte x