Hi all.
Reading posts on the various different categories of loss on the sue Ryder site. ,(Children, partners, parents ect). One thing that comes through time and time again. Is having to deal the other people in your life. People’s behavior or things they’ve said or indeed haven’t said.
When someone has suffered a loss and is grieving. We often look to those around us for some sort of help or reassurance or just a kind word. Unfortunately it’s not always forthcoming. Infact sometimes certain people can be very dismissive or can quite literally offend. Sometimes intentional sometimes unintentional. Us as grievers can often find ourselves really hurt or confused at such behavior. I like everybody else has had my fair share of crass comments or just simply stunned by people’s lack of empathy. I personally have travelled far enough on the grief journey to see beyond other people’s bad behavior or harsh sometimes rude comments. Hindsight is a fantastic tool. When I look back to when my son died and think of the reaction of people I once classed as friends I find it totally baffling that they could have behaved in such a way.
I’m in a lot better place mentally than I was in the beginning and so I can see that the upshot is, unless someone has or is suffering grief then they just don’t get it. When you have lived a life with someone wether it be a child or a partner or a parent. It’s totally life changing to suddenly carry on living without them. That never changes it is life changing for the rest of YOUR LIFE.
For those people that think you should be over it 6 months later or think you can just go down to the supermarket and get yourself a new replacement for the one you lost. Is totally missing the point. The one you lost can never ever be replaced… and so you will spend the rest of your life missing them.
I read in another post that someone lost a partner and she received virtually no understanding from her friends and then when one of her friends lost her partner the same person who showed no interest suddenly expects the world to stop and come running to her with help and sympathy.
I remember writing in a journal when my boy died I put people in 3 categories. The first one was your close friends and sometimes family.
The 2nd group. People you work with or your neighbours or the local shop keepers ect. And the 3rd group the people who just couldn’t care less about your predicament.
All 3 of these groups in the beginning would look the other way or avoid you as they didn’t know what to do or say when they saw you.
I found after a time the 2 ND and 3rd group would eventually go back to acting normal around you. Speak to you and just treat you the same as just another everyday person.
But the people in group 1. Would carry on ignoring you, avoiding you. Or would simply just cut all ties with you. The amount of friends I lost when my son died was quite astonishing. I felt really hurt by this for the first 2 or 3 years. I’ve moved on now. Friends I’ve had for 30/40 years I haven’t seen or heard from any of them in years now.
I put it down to the fact that people just don’t know how to deal with someone who is grieving so it’s just easier to bury there head in the sand. Quite a few of the people I once knew have since suffered loss. I see them pouring there hearts out on Facebook and such. I’ve thought long and hard about reaching out to them as I know how painful it is and in a couple of cases I actually did only to find out that they still flatly refuse to acknowledge my loss. Almost as if my loss didn’t matter it wasn’t worth their time or energy. The only thing that matters is now their loss. One person even went on to tell me that what they were suffering was beyond my comprehension. I simply wouldn’t understand. This was someone who had been a close friend for the best part of 40 years and knew my son from the day he was born.
I guess in the end when you loose someone close you learn some very hard lessons. You can’t always find the answers you are looking for. It’s takes while for you to find your way again. I’ve said a few times in my posts that my life now consists of before Sam died and after Sam died and the two shall never be the same again. I really missed some people a great deal in the beginning but now I’m totally indifferent. I managed to carve out an existence for myself despite what my life once was. I think people who are meant to be in your life will be in it those that are not won’t be.
Rite thing I’ve waffled long enough
Thanks for listening
Jim
Thanks again for your wise words Jim.
Your posts always have a “calming” effect on me, or as you said --reassurance.
Please keep posting.
G. X
Hi jim love your posts . You always give people comfort .thank you for sharing .pretty amazing
Big hugs zoe 
Thanks Jim, wise and realistic thoughts. What you say about other peoples behaviour resonates with me. Now a year on since my girl died and the real friends are still there but one or two particular people who showed me no respect are not welcome in my life. I thought long and hard about how to cope myself when I see those people and I decided I didn’t want to fix those relationships and I’m not wasting energy on trying. I just ignore them. I don’t know or want to know what they think. They’ve already told me with their behaviour, words and lack of empathy. I won’t be struggling to find an appropriate response when I see them. I will walk on by. I accept they don’t get it. I’m not flouncing off in a huff, I’m giving myself the right to say no, I’m not buying into your bullying, in a powerful way. Having said all that, I only have 2 people i absolutely don’t want in my life. Everyone sometimes gets it wrong, i do myself, but most people come from a place of goodwill and intend only kindness. Xxxx
Hi nell.
Yes I agree with what you say and it’s not at all that we are flouncing off in a huff. It’s the fact we just expected certain people to be there when we needed or wanted them and they failed to turn up. It’s a slap in the face when what you really wanted was a hug. But you do get past it. For all the people who disappeared from my life at a time I could of done with a friend. I’ve moved on, I did it without their help. They can go and take a running jump.
Take care
Jim
Thanks Jim
This ties in with my “great expectations” post. A good friend suggested I think of people’s interactions before & after losing my hubby. Clearly I had my rose tinted glasses on and expected some support. Silly me!
I’m past my angry stage (I think) - -
G. X
Hi Grandma.
Most definitely. I spent a long time being upset and confused. Didn’t think people would behave like they did. I’m well past the angry stage. But it does come as a surprise, one that you weren’t expecting. I couldn’t care less about those people who disappeared when I needed them. It’s just a bit sad that it has to come to this
Take care
Jim