Other people's expectations

Losing a parent
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Hi everyone,
Mum passed away suddenly in mid April. I am coming up for air occasionally and feel some days are bearable, rotines have helped, and garden/sun/being away has done some good. I went back to work, meditate daily , talking to mum, look through photos more easily now.
I try to remove any guilt from her having to move from our home into care as she could not live alone as wanted company and had started to fall at night, have accidents etc. She loved it in the home as was residential, she was still independent going out etc and we were much closer the last 18 months as had more quality time.

Sadly her passing was not from the alzheimers which we expected eventually, it was sudden cardiac arrest early one morning. She had just come up for coffee on the Friday for a chat, was gone 2 days after that.

Probate finalised Monday which really hit me as another reminder that this is very real.
My lovely dentist asked after mum yesterday when I went in for a checkup, which really hit as another layer, as it was the first time someone outside of my circle didn’t know, I burst into tears and was embarassed my 13yo son saw this as was with me for his appointment. But we had a chat after and he understands. I told my husband when he got home and he was supportive and gave me a hug, but I felt an underlying ‘what, this is still happening’ in his demeanor.

I guess I feel I am dealing with it as best I can, having been sunk in with all the funeral and probate arrangements pretty much down to me as siblings couldn’t help, plus work, summer hols, my son and husband have been amazing etc.

However I am finding now through my husband that in one way or another his parents (divorced, ie in separate calls) are saying to him I ‘should be over it’ by now and ‘back to my normal life’. They of course having lost parents decades ago now. he has tried to explain it is not that easy, but I feel hurt and pressurised.

Most of my friends understand though some have been more supporting than most, and I get it, those who haven’t lost parents just don’t Know yet. I am the first in my circle really.

I feel myself wanting to shut off a little and maybe not telling my husband if these things happen, or thoughts I have which i would normally share (not overshare, just occasionally) . I feel that I don’t want to add pressure, or have him feel like I am Less Than I suppose. He only knows me as capable, organized and strong, and these things are unsettling him plus his parents in his ear.

How do you navigate this?

Thank you.

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Hello @Sophie8,

Thanks for reaching out - it’s completely understandable you’d be feeling hurt. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts.

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At first I thought that not having a partner when we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dad was a very bad thing. I thought that I would need their support to get through it. But on reading people’s stories, I now see it as fortuitous that I was single at that horrendous moment. I didn’t have a partner to support me, but I had my best friend who I went through school with, and various friends and family. My best friend put everything aside to look out for me. She was just as shocked, and almost as devastated, as me. She hasn’t had any traumatic losses in her life to date, but she knew what I’d need.

It’s perhaps difficult in a romantic partnership, because each partner relies on the other to provide things for them. Whereas, my best friend has been able to give 100% support and expect nothing from me.

Stick with the ones who understand, and ignore those who don’t.

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Thank you, it’s so reassuring when you have that kind of friend. I think as time goes on and we get older, we understand much more and even if we have not had that kind of support, we can offer it. I am glad she is by your side and you can focus on your healing.

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Please do not feel pressure to be “over it.” I think it is most insensitive of your in laws. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there a timescale. It sounds to me as if you are coping great under difficult painful circumstances

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@Sophie8,

So sorry for your loss :blue_heart:

Considering the short amount of time (it’s only 4 months) I think you are doing amazingly!

Milestones like probate, exchange of Property in my experience are v. emotive.

Tears are nothing to be embarrassed about! It shows you cared and loved (and still do)! I also think it’s ok to show a teenager it’s ok to grieve.

Lost a best friend at 16 and it was only last year (40 years on) whilst getting Counselling that I realised how much I had bottled that grief up and how it had affected me for all those years

Take care and the community is always here and it understands the emotions and that there is no timeline on grief!
:blue_heart:

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@Heartbroken1937 You’re absolutely right about the milestones. I was told today by my solicitor that they have nearly finalised dealing with my Dad’s estate. My first emotion was happiness and relief as it means legal matters are coming to an end. This was quickly followed by anger and crying because being a beneficiary is a shoddy compensation when you’ve lost someone you love. You don’t want the money or the stuff, you just want them back.

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@Eponine thank you that is exactly the feeling I have. I don’t want to be a beneficiary, don’t want to be executor, just want mum back.

@Heartbroken1937 I am so sorry to hear about your friend, very hard indeed and when we are 16 we haven’t learned any coping skills properly yet (do we ever fully) so I am not surprised it took a long time to understand it all. I cannot imagine the pain you felt losing a friend so young.

We had a celebration yesterday of another happier milestone, and I had invited 8 friends, 4 canceled on the day. I had this planned for months, send save the date out. I just feel like i thought I knew people, they know what I have been through lately. Then they cancel, oh and my own siblings did not come even though it’s been planned for months. I have always been there for others and feel like I would never let someone down on an important occasion. We had a nice day but it really flatted me and makes me think I need to reassess people in my life.

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@Sophie8
I’m sorry people cancelled on you and your siblings didn’t attend. At this moment in time everything is so heightened and you feel let down doubly. I just feel at the moment like most people have just gone back to their lives and left me assuming I should be OK now, which I’m so not. My sibling of no help either, complete different relationship with Mum. Sending you a hug :people_hugging:

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@Sophie8 sorry that people cancelled on you for your event. I understand why you are upset, I would be too. People don’t always appreciate the time and effort that goes into these things. It is hard not to take these things personally…but please don’t lose your bright spirit. Try to focus on the people that did make the effort and treasure them.

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Sorry to read this. They should know better. :pensive::yellow_heart:

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@Rainbow11 yes exactly, if I had toothache or some other issue, I would dose up on painkillers and still go. I know my sibling felt very low and has had some medication issues, so in a way was prob best not to come, he rang yesterday and after 2 mins asking about BBQ was carrying on as normal as he loves loading me up with whatever is going on. No explanation of not coming, no apology. Yes alot of people expect that don’t they, like I shuld have written in my diary some kind of deadline that I should feel ok by, to make them feel better that I am ‘moving on’.

This is such a big rupture, the Before and After are of such proportions I can’t tell what will happen now.

@Eponine @Burgled thank you, am trying every day, I can see the shift in my thinking, trying to be balanced, understand people have lives. But it changes things. This was my One Thing I needed family at, and my closest friends, there is nothing else this year like this.

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@Sophie8 I understand and I am so sorry. I am frequently upset by my friends. They don’t mean it at all. They are the world to me and I always do so much for them but unfortunately its not always reciprocated. That’s what hurts I think, knowing you’d do so much more for them than they would for you. My suspicion is they perhaps don’t know what to say to you right now or want to give you space even though you may want/need the opposite. Thinking of you

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Thank you @Eponine , I am the first to lose their mum in my circle so my logical side knows that They Just Don’t Know Yet.
It was made worse that all my husbands friends for once did not let him down , whereas half of mine did, plus no siblings either. I am looking at the plus sides, the people that came and that we had this great milestone in the first place. But mum was so excited for this party, and without her there, and half of my close friends not coming, was galling. Onwards and upwards - yesterday morning one of mums fave 80s songs came on by Yazz, The Only Way Is Up, when I was sitting by her in our garden and I thought she was sending a message.

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Hi @Sophie8,

I think because we are grieving all our emotions are heightened!
Little things that I would have thought nothing off previously I now get angry, anxious or sad about!
Your grief, stress about hosting, little things like your husband’s friends attending and yours not! Plus the wish that your Mum had been there and the associated sadness have almost certainly heightened your emotions.
Try to forgive your friends and siblings.

The Pandemic also increased Social Anxiety in the population as a whole.
Unfortunately with Social Anxiety people will say they are attending then cry off!

So glad you had a good time with the people who did attend and yes I think your Mum was sending you a message with the song💙

As for meeting new people see if your GP Surgery has a Social Practitioner you can speak to or put you in touch with the local NHS trust’s Health and Wellbeing team.
There is also a website

that details local groups.

Take care
:blue_heart:

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Thank you @Heartbroken1937 I know you are right, I just have to push through it. I suppose it’s because I have never canceled last minute, if I say I will go I will, even after pandemic, I hate letting anyone down. I am holding everyone to that standard and it’s silly because I will just get hurt.
Thank you I will - GP had recommended Cruze but that was it, and I think it’s months yet before I would get seen/talked to. Might have to call the Sue Ryder number sometime, maybe Cruze have one too, but for now posts like these are helpful.

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Hi @Sophie8,

You can find out about all of Sue Ryder’s free online bereavement support, including our video counselling service (please note, due to demand there is a significant waitlist at the moment) at Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Support | Sue Ryder

It may also be helpful to know that Sue Ryder has launched our Grief Kind Spaces which are informal, in-person drop-in sessions where you can chat with others who will understand. You can find out more at Grief Kind Spaces | Sue Ryder

You may also be interested in volunteering with us if you are keen to meet new people when it feels like the right time. You can find out more at Sue Ryder volunteering quick apply | Sue Ryder

Take care,

Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team

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Thank you @KateW I waited until the 3 month mark then registered for Sue Ryder support re counselling but it said it would likely be many weeks after that before anyone got in touch, and to look out for an email. So I think I am on a waiting list yes

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Just to mention, in case you didn’t already know, Cruse can only offer trained volunteers, whereas Sue Ryder offers professional counsellors. I had a bad experience with Cruse. It wasn’t the volunteer’s fault: I thought I was getting counselling (their website is unclear to vulnerable shocked grieving people) and instead I got a nosey Norah who told me that my tragic story was “very interesting” :angry:

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@KateW
Thank you for this information I am seriously thinking of attending a grief kind space close to me. Can you tell me if newly bereaved people attend? I’m just very likely to break down in tears whilst I’m there.

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