I’ve just read your reply again, sorry my brain isn’t as sharp as it used to be, but you didn’t know that Gemma was struggling? Finding out afterwards must have been awful for you. We knew about Heidi’s mental health problems for several years but she hid from us how ill she really was, even when I stayed with her. In fact we all said how content she seemed to be with her strange life. How wrong we were.
Your act of kindness to the young man on the bench is part of Gemma’s legacy and if we can be more aware, more caring, then maybe we can stop another family from having to go through this heartache. I find myself sometimes looking at people in the supermarket queue and wondering what hurts they’re hiding, just like we do. I keep saying I want the old me back, but maybe the new me is a nicer person! xxx
Dear Kathy
We knew that Gemma was ‘down’ some days and she had told us but no more than that. She had been to see her GP and told me how helpful and nice he was.
But she left a note in which she told us how she had struggled for so long, she had thought about taking her own life before but the thought of leaving her boys had always stopped her but she had now got to the point where she just could not carry on any longer.
Just so heartbreaking we just wish she had opened up to us.
It is so difficult though because if somebody appears to be coping well with life and always smiling you don’t think of asking them if they are okay. I just wish I had spoken to her more deeply but she was an intensely private girl and gave us no hint of how she was feeling. Her eldest son blames himself because he thinks he should have known as he still lived at home. I keep reassuring him he couldn’t have done more and his mummy loved him so much.
I wish I could have the old me back as I feel like an empty shell now. xx
Victoria I am so sorry you feel like this. I think whatever the circumstances we go over the what ifs etc. My son wasn’t well, not eating much, no energy etc. I said to him you should go to the doctor for a check. He said no I’m ok it will go. Then he ended up in hospital for just four days and died. It was so so shocking abd after a year I still think to myself I should have just made him an appt. and got him to go. He was 36 though abd a grown man. He must have felt so ill those last couple of weeks at home! I will for ever think I should have done more, noticed more etc. When he was in hospital I said to him come on fight this and get better. He said I dont think I will come out of hospital I think I will die in hospital … and he did. I said to him you can’t leave Jamie what about me now Pete has gone too. He said you will be ok mum you have dad. It’s just heartbreaking totally heartbreaking. I’m sending you hugs and understanding x
Hi Victoria, Heidi left us a note saying that there was nothing anyone of us could have said or done to stop her or to make her change her mind and she didn’t want us thinking we could, but you can’t help it, can you. As their Mum we’d always been able to protect them before. She assured us of how much she loved us and how she knew we’d have done anything we could to help, but it wouldn’t have been enough. She was too tired of struggling, and it sounds like Gemma was too. Her son couldn’t have known, she’d have tried so hard to keep it from him, and they were good at that. Heidi died just before Christmas so she posted our presents early - she said to avoid the Christmas rush - but in fact it was to keep us from suspecting anything. She sounded so happy.
I do have more good days than bad now, but that’s because I compare them to how I felt this time last year. I can smile again, sometimes I laugh, but I don’t feel joy anymore and it would be nice not to be always wondering how I’m feeling and just get on with life again. But we’ll get there in time, and it’s good to be able to share with people who understand. xxx
Dear Sue,
You have been through such a terrible time. Jamie sounds lovely and was clearly thinking of you so much. Did they know why he was so poorly? It is heartbreaking trying to live without our precious children. Gemma’s youngest son, Charlie, is 8 and he said to us recently ‘Grandma I was so sad when mummy died and cried for ages but now I am just glad that I had my mummy for 8 years’. He and Coren are my inspiration and my reason for living.
I think we who are left always have some guilt. I know I do but Gem was so independent and pushed me away if I tried to help.
Thinking of you xxx
I’m glad your grandchildren bring comfort. Mine do too … Jamie was such a good uncle to them after their Dad died. They are 17, 14 and 10 now. They talk about their dad in everyday conversation.
Jamie was in medication and should have been having blood tests monthly but no one told us that. He had sepsis abd multi organ failure … I can’t get past the fact that I brought him into this world and saw him out of it too. My hand was on his chest when he stopped breathing… it was just a living nightmare.
I am so terribly sorry to read about your loss, it is heartbreaking and like you all losing a child, the bottom of my world dropped out and my life will never be the same. Like others, I watched helplessly as he passed away - me still in denial, that he would survive. I kissed him and said the Serenity Prayer as he left. I was in shock and self denial the first year and even the counselling didn’t help as I was unable to listen and I was busy trying to tie up his affairs and keep his dignity. His 20 year old girlfriend or my expartner (David’s) father didn’t lift a hand with debts or contact and it was left to me. Although I must say she looked after him during his illness, I should be grateful for that and although she said if contacted her she would have me for harassment and I have kept her wishes. I did go to care for my son (I treasure those moments and weekends) as often as she wanted a break and did my best as they lived a 2 hour train journey away. I was allowed to have him for five beautiful days although a grown man. I do not have any ashes or anything where they are, as I have had no contact for two years from either party
The positive side of that, is that a month ago I cleared all his/her debts (in his name) and kept his dignity and feel free of that and now have to look forward, difficult but a must. It is very hard without any family only a few friends who really don’t understand as they haven’t walked in my shoes. My heart is still broken but maybe it will heal in time as he was my only son and child. My heart goes out to all you parents who have lost either son or daughter. I have a strong belief. God bless Jan x
I’m so sorry you had all the extra hassle on top of your sons death. It must have caused you a lot of extra anxiety. It’s so hard to go on without them isn’t it … my first son died aged 33 nearly six years ago and my remaining son died just a year ago aged 36. I have been diagnosed with complicated grief/PTSD and am awaiting counselling. I just have to believe they are together now and I will see them again one day. Sending you understanding and hugs … Sue x
Thank you Sue, I can understand your losses and your underlying illness. I have a autoimmune disease where it attacks me with food, stress, and anxiety. I am having a flare up at the moment and wish I could eat my way through this pain but I suppose we have to be patient with ourselves. I am allergic to alcohol, chocolate and don’t smoke. There isn’t a day that goes by that my David is on my mind, sometimes I bear it and others it grips me. I miss his zany sense of humour and his hugs. I can though, feel compassion for others, maybe a little of recovery and acceptance -not there yet. I can imagine, or can I with your feelings about losing both your sons - it is so unfair. Sundays are my worst days…no one sees that I am lonely. What a gripe I am. You are so positive Sue that you will see them again one day and it helps me and others.
Love and hugs to you too and all who are suffering today with their loss. XX
I’m sorry you have other health problems too. I have co start migraines and asthma is flaring a lot … it’s all to do with stress I’m sure. I have put on 2 stone trying to fill that ‘hoke’ with good! I’m now trying healthy eating but my hearts not in it! I, like you, can feel compassion and understanding for others. For myself …, I am impatient with me and I am fed up that I’m not more in control. Have just had the one year anniversary and the date he went in hospital and his birthday and funeral so it’s bed all those guests! I think together with others who understand … that’s our best support really! Take care. I’m always here to talk…,Sue x
I think when loosing someone so close we all feel guilt and hopeless and we should have helped more, but I also belive we did our best if we only had hindsight.I think the feeling of being pushed away by our sons,daughters was there way of protecting us from the inevitable.After reading all your stories I’ve shed a tear it shows how human we all are. Take care x
Dear Jack,
You are so right.
We see now that Gemma was pushing us all away but didn’t realise at the time.
If only we could turn the clock back.
We all feel so guilty but we never saw Gemma without a smile on her face so it is so hard.
Take care xxx
Thank you for that Jack, I believe we did the best we could especially being in the state of shock after losing our special loved ones and the people around us not understanding, being unfeeling. Until they have walked in our shoes, compassion is limited. I hate these Bank holidays, spending it alone. Everyone going some place, not asking if you will be ok. I suppose as my late mother always said “what doesn’t kill you makes you strong”. (they were a different breed and era and had a very life hard) - not sure if I believe it yet? Take care, my heart goes out to all parents.
Sorry Sue for not replying sooner but my flare up was so bad this week, renders me unable to think straight. Thank you for your kindness and compassion, it helps me to think there is someone who cares. The anniversaries, weekends and Bank holidays appear to be the worse and it feels like one is more alone. No one has asked me this weekend what I am doing or mentions my lovely son David or if I am ok. Maybe I expect too much of people? I understand you not being in more control and my heart goes out to you, it is so very hard to bear without distractions to stop one thinking…anniversaries, birthdays bring too many good and bad memories. As said to me, after two years I should be over it! Needless to say, she is no longer a close friend. Take care Sue and all families who are suffering at their loss… Jan x
Jack, thank you for those thoughts. Having a bit of a blip today so I needed to hear that. I’ve been thinking a lot about Heidi and feeling sad. I went to the dentist last week and am still waiting for my other two to ask how I got on, whereas Heidi would have been in touch before my appointment to assure me she’d be praying for me and all would be OK, would have been in touch after to see how it went, and a get well soon card would have been on it’s way when she found out I’d had a tooth taken out and was feeling a bit bruised and battered, even if she was having a bad day herself. So it got me thinking, because I do believe there’s a better life beyond this one, that maybe our lovely caring thoughtful sons and daughters just got promoted early!
To pick up on a thought from another thread, we’re all climbing a mountain now until we see them again. We can pause from time to time to look back at the view but our focus needs to be on looking ahead. And if we can count the days we’ve missed them as time already served until we see them again it might make the journey a bit more bearable. Take care, hugs to you all, Kathy xx
Lovely thoughts Kathy, we all have good and bad day’s. I think the hardest day’s are when you feel totally lost and all logic goes out of the window, just one day at a time helps.Take care everyone we will get there.