Our son.

It’s just over a year since we lost our eldist son 36.He had suffered since his teens with mental issues, I don’t know if that’s the right way of putting it ,he had become very reclusive over the last eight years of his life.He left our house went and bought a bottle of rum and we never saw him again until 2 weeks later when the police found him in a ditch.

Hello Jack 59,

I’m so very sorry to hear that you lost your eldest son just over a year ago. It sounds as though this was very sudden and must have been a very difficult time for you and your family.

You’re not alone in this community and there are many others who are coping with the loss of a child (of various ages). I’m sure you’ll get some supportive replies soon, but in the meantime perhaps you could have a look at some of the other conversations and maybe reply to one or two, if you feel able.

Keep in touch and let me know if there’s anything that I can do to support you.

Take care,
Eleanor

Hi Jack, I was so sorry to read about your son. It’s just over a year and a half since we lost our middle daughter, 35. She too had suffered mental health problems for several years and in the last two years of her life had become quite withdrawn, preferring the comfort of her own flat to the company of other people. One day she took an overdose of prescription meds washed down with vodka then went out and killed herself. We never saw her again, we were advised not to view her body, so for weeks I kept thinking she might be coming back, a case of mistaken identity. Then the reality kicked in and it was hell. I feel much better now than I did then but it’s a long, hard road and it took me a long time to realise that you just have to move at your own pace, wait for the good days to outnumber the bad and accept that life will never be the same again, how can it be? Do you have family and friends supporting you? That was such a comfort for me, and reading on here how others cope. I find it helps to share in this community because there are so many caring people who understand exactly what you’re going through. Sadly a lot of friends think you should be ‘over it’ in a certain amount of time, but unless they’ve suffered a loss like this they can’t really understand. How are you doing now? Thinking of you, Kathy

Hi Jack … I’m so sorry. Both my sons have died … one nearly six years ago aged 33 and one 20th July last year aged 36. I know your pain … it’s just unbearable. I still wake up thinking it must be a bad dream. It’s so hard to accept. Here any time if you want to talk. Hugs, Sue.

I am so very sorry to hear Sue of your loss of both your sons, it must be so very hard for you to bear the pain that losing one son and then to experience it all again. My heart goes out to you. Like you, I feel it is a bad dream but try my hardest to accept but I don’t at the moment. My lovely only son passed away two years ago this month. I wake up, like you to thinking it’s a bad dream.
Jan

Thank you Jan. it’s so hard isn’t it … each day is a battle. The only thing that keeps me going really is to know they lived life a d would want me to live my life the best way I can. It’s overwhelming sometimes and I just want the world to stop. I am a different person as we all are. I am much more aware of smal kindnesses now and more understanding of others do I really appreciate your reply. I hope we can help each other along! Please know I am here any tine to talk . Take care of yourself the best way you can. Hugs, Sue

Thank you, What’s the hardest part?? All off it, At the inquest the coroner stated our son had not taken his own life it was a Tragic accident.It didn’t help it just gave us more to think about.One of the things that does hurt is the way other people respond to it, that is why I truly believe the only ones who do understand are those in this club.

I agree with you … others who have not list a child do not really understand how traumatic and devastating it really is. They think they do they say things like I do t know how you cope I couldn’t! How do we have a choice. Somehow we go on … I don’t want to. I wish not to wake up in the morning but I do. Some friends are really good for a couple of months then get fed up with the impact of it all. Other friends surprise me abd are really understanding and are happy to walk alongside me with this. I really do t know what I mean. I am not ‘strong’ like people keep saying., I’m just getting through each day. I don’t even know what I mean … I think sometimes the shock abd trauma is overwhelming and we just have to take an hour a minute st a time. My husband is ill as well so have to cope with that too. I hope things get better for you … for all of us …, somehow! X

Dear Jack and Sue,
I too lost my precious daughter six months ago. She took her own life at 42 years old. Even as I write these words it just doesn’t feel real.
The people on this site have all suffered the loss of a child and are so supportive. There are so many caring and understanding people here.
Thinking of you all xxx

Thank you for responding. I wish non of us had to be here but we do. I agree … there is a lot of encouragement and support here. We are all on this same journey so it’s good to know that others understand. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter Victoria. My sons were 33 and 37, nearly six years ago and a year ago. Seems so much harder this second time. I’m always here to talk. Take care, Sue xx

Dear Sue,
I can’t imagine the pain of losing two children and life must be so hard. I am finding my way through the terrible maze of sadness step by step but hopefully will get to a peaceful place in time.
Take care, Victoria xxx

Thank you Victoria … you take care too. Somehow we will do this x

Thank you Kathy, when your children suffer with this problem only those there understand,our son Craig used to say because people carnt see what they are going through they don’t understand I’m so sorry for your lose I wish there was greater understanding for people with mental issues.

Hi Victoria thank you and my heart goes out to you.Trying to understand this is so hard,
I aske myself why this why that , unfortunately the only one with the answers is no longer with us.

I agree with you. Heidi used to say exactly what Craig said. She had a disabled bus pass and often other passengers would question it, but they probably wished they hadn’t because she’d spend the rest of the journey explaining mental health to them! But after a time she got fed up with that and just hid herself away instead until she decided she’d had enough, so sad.

Dear Jack and Kathy,
I hope the legacy that our children leave behind is that people can be more open about how they are feeling. Gemma’s son has just turned 22 and I am constantly telling him to talk to us, let us know how he is and I will say to him ‘because mummy wasn’t so good at that, was she?’
Gemma always had a smile on her face but behind the smile she was struggling so much but didn’t open up to us, her sister or friends. It was a complete shock to us all, she went so quickly and we miss her every minute of every day.
Take care xxx

Heidi was the same, always smiling, always loving, and in the last few weeks seemed so much stronger and calmer, probably because she’d decided what she was going to do. She’s at peace now, I know that, and I do believe we’ll be together again one day, but that doesn’t help us missing her, like you say, and the wondering from time to time if there was anything we could have done… You take care too, we will get through it eventually even though life will never be the same xx

I went out on Friday to a small town close to where I live. I was walking by the river when I saw a young man sat on a bench and he looked so thoughtful and I thought a little sad.
I couldn’t help myself, I walked back, said ‘hello’ and asked him if he was okay.
He says he was, just waiting for someone but then he said ‘thank you so much for checking and asking me though’.
I think it is a reflection of how I feel since losing Gemma … I am constantly worrying about people.
Much love xxx

But you checking on him probably made a huge difference to how he felt … he knew someone cared enough to ask. That is lovely. I’m the same ,… I hate to think of anyone suffering and sad. I think we all become more compassionate and understanding xx

Dear Sue,
I think you are right. I think we live with our losses in so many hidden ways.
I hope you have a peaceful day. xxx

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