My beautiful Mum died just over two years ago.
For those who are at the early stages of grief, please do not be despondent reading my post, I do not want you to worry that you too will be heavy with grief over 24 months on.
That intense grief has passed, where you wake up first thing and it hits you like brand new news again each morning.
But there are days when I could cry and cry. Writing this, tears are pouring down my cheeks.
The thing is, life was better when my Mum was alive. So nothing lives up to those times. I have children and I am so grateful for that but it was even better when I had my children AND my Mum around. How will I ever feel better? Or do I just have to get used to the fact that I never will? I suppose I have to think of this as a new era and try not to constantly draw comparisons to how things were before.
How shall I phrase it diplomatically? My marriage is not the best. Before, I had my Mum to talk to about it (and everything else- we would chat for hours a day!). Without that lifeline I am getting increasingly socially anxious and yet when I told they GP they handed me a form to contact the local Mind group. Does the GP not offer counselling anymore or antidepressants?! Any help? No?
I know I need to help myself and yet I have lost all umph and I just don’t have much energy. My own health has not been great either and so that worries me too. It’s a viscous cycle, I become anxious worrying about my health and that, in turn, makes me feel ill! Argh!
I know my Mum would want me to be living life to the full and I therefore really want to learn to feel happier so that I can do this and be a better more joyful Mum- like my lovely Mum was.
Hi Rebecca
One year on for me and agree with so much you are saying. That waking up to the realisation of never seeing Mum again, never hearing her voice, never hearing her laugh, never seeing her lovely smile. I have insomnia so much of the night is spent in lying thinking about everything, worrying about what I should do/be doing, thinking about all the things I want to discuss with Mum.
I have lost all my get up and go, not helpful as I am moving house and have so much to do before going. Trying to psyche myself up to get up early, start packing, clearing the house and throwing away excess belongings.
I don’t think I ever realised how bad it would be without Mum. Living with her we were constant companions, like you we would talk for hours. Often about nothing in particular and quite often veer off into silly made up stories about people or things. Life was certainly better then.
I tell mysel it has only been a year and I shouldn’t expect too much of myself but know from losing my Dad many years ago how long it took to get back on an even keel. I do have days now when I can contemplate my future and feel some degree of positivity about it.
I am sorry to hear your health is not good. All I can suggest is to take time out for yourself and do something you enjoy even for only a few minutes each day. I know this is not so easy when you have a family. For me a long bath with posh bubble bath does it for me and the relief when it is bed time and I can go to bed.
I hope you are feeling better tonight/today.
Mel
I am coming up to my 1st year this Thursday 3rd August after losing my partner suddenly… I too am moving home once I have a buyer, I have had 2 chains collapse since January and dealing with all this on my own has not been easy… I have had counselling which helped a little, but I have just struggled on, some days are ok and others are like black cloud over me all day… but I am trying to keep positive and look forward and trying to remember all the good times I had with Graham in the 15 years we had together. I know after being on this site I am not alone and we all have such sad stories to share, and can give some support to each other… I live in Berkshire and if there is anyone who needs to chat over a coffee any time I am happy to meet up… Best wishes to everyone.
I have passed the 18 month mark now but seem to be struggling more again. Andy was the person who could listen to me endlessly so now I feel the loss again with every problem that comes up (and with a brother with Alzheimers to support, there are a lot!). I did try Cruse Bereavement, they took a while to get hold of but they did ring me back and put me on the waiting list for counselling. It came up quicker than I expected, oddly enough at my surgery, and although only 50 minutes and 6 sessions, it was extremely good. But what I need now I think is an ongoing group, and there doesn’t seem to be anything like that. MacMillan were very good as Andy was there, but that only carries on for 18 months as a group. So I am wondering how to keep going now.