4 weeks at 12.10pm tonight I lost the love of my life and I keep getting this overwhelming sense of fear. I’m scared of life without him, scared of feeling this way forever, empty and pointless. I have moments in a day where I function but as soon as I stop this wave comes over me and I just panic and don’t know what to do with myself. Does anyone else get this? X
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Yes fear, panic, emptiness etc
It’s a long hard journey, (nearly 6months)
Give yourself praise for getting out of bed on a morning because that is one massive achievement
Big hugs
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Thank you, I think maybe I’m too hard on myself on times but others around seem to set a pace which I can’t keep up with. I’m due to start back work in a weeks time and although I feel it will give me some normality it will also we a reminder of the routine we had and won’t any longer. The texts throughout the day, the phone calls and plans for our evenings 
how am I ever going to get over this.
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You go at your own pace. I’m nearly 6 months and to be honest I haven’t even accepted or processed it. I still hide away from everyone not ready to face the world still. I honestly don’t know how I’ve got this far (children make me keep going). Don’t expect to much from yourself. I find people who haven’t experienced it don’t understand it.
Baby steps 
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Thank you, if it wasn’t for the girls not sure I’d be here at all. Seems pointless although I promised Lee I’d take care of his parents and live a life after somehow but I never once believed he wouldn’t make it through not until the last week when it all happened so quickly. My brave man fought so hard and endured so much pain for nothing that’s what hurts the most he could have had time doing what he wanted instead he was having op after op and treatment after treatment and for what to end up passing away so young. Makes me so mad at life x
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Oh @Foreveryoung81 bless you my love . That’s the feeling I had from the first day . I would be up at 4 cleaning anything a could see . The panic fades . It’s all the shock of losing your dearest one .
I had 5 months off I was still on the diazepam at your stage . If you can face work it will help to keep
You busy . It was several weeks before the panic eased for me xx
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It’s a difficult journey, flip the coin if hadn’t had treatment/operations would you now be sat thinking if only he had them he might have still been here?
Anger is normal, have you had bitterness and jealous towards old couples? I thought I was being awful but so many others have as well.
There’s no normal way or rule book to this.
But talking helps x
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No sleep for me either but no cleaning either 
I was trance like for weeks x
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I love my job but it’s very people orientated and that’s what I’m worried about breaking down whilst doing my job. I have asked for a phased return and work have been so amazing throughout it all thankfully x
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Yup angry at all the couples who have a life and don’t even like each other, the old ones the people who abuse their bodies and live to old age! I’m just angry and that’s not me either I’m so chilled normally it feels alien all these emotions and Lee would say a few words and I’d be fine again. I’m thankful I had him in my life I was lucky to find true love and a soul mate connection but the price of loving so much is soooo much grief too. I keep looking at photos and listening to his videos he would send and I feel my heart breaking x
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I don’t recognise myself anymore. Feel like I’ve been robbed of mine and my children’s futures. Feel like I’m completely alone but I have amazing family and friends by my side.
The list is endless.
Photos, videos and messages get it completely, I got told one day they’ll make me smile but all they do at the moment is remind you of what you had and haven’t anymore. X
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I am just so glad I found this place with people who just get it, I have some amazing family and friends and some who too have lost loved ones but I think a partner and when so young is different. And we all grieve in such a different way, I’ve even had comments about that as I’ve not reached out to my family as much as they would like but find more comfort being with Lee’s. I am just trying to keep my head above water anyway I can. Initially I couldn’t sleep now when I drop off I don’t want to wake up again to face another day of heartache x how old are your children? X
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The sleeping does get better, at first the empty bed was a massive trigger for me, then my mind would spiral.
One way I started putting it to family was
When you close the door at night what’s actually different in your house? Now imagine shutting my door!
Three boys 22, 19 and 11 all still at home. Yours? X
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That’s exactly it, nothing is the same in our lives anymore. Two girls 16 & 14, he wasn’t their biological dad but they loved him and he was so amazing with them, he was a natural father and just knew what to do to make their lives better. My eldest has been particularly shaken by his passing and wears his clothes and wants to be with his parents a lot. My youngest blocks a lot out so that’s a worry that she’s not dealing with the emotions at all. We lost my dad 5 years ago and 5 months later their dads mam so they have already experienced trauma as both unexpected and my dad was in his 50’s so my mam widowed young too x
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Not my 2 oldest ones biological father but he was their dad for 15 years. My oldest son took it bad and my middle puts on a brave face and blocks it out.
Youngest is autistic harder to judge his processing of it.
I think it’s a different trauma, as the person who normally helps you through is gone.
Mine went off to Belgium with veterans and never came home and we still don’t know why.
Kids should never have to go through this so young but because of them we still get up every morning x
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I think children are far more resilient thankfully, but no this will shape their lives and I know mine had a fear of people leaving them after their grandparents so this has totally shaken them again especially as Lee was our rock. I just hope if anything they take from it how fragile life is and live every day to the fullest xx just wish I knew how to do the same x
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One day hopefully we start living again.
My dad lost his dad at 14, the way he looked at his grandkids I seen the pain, the hurt and the loss he’d felt for the last 64 years he knows how my kids are going to feel.
I have a massive fear of something happening to me and them having no one
But we do say lifes to short, don’t wait till tomorrow it’s not promised. Never leave on a cross word.
I spoke to Stephen on the phone a hour before and with every phone call/parting we always said love you before we went , I will always treasure the fact those were our last words to each other. (With it being sudden and not getting the chance for a goodbye) x
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As harsh as it sounds, we just do. The world keeps moving, the days keep coming as initially we get dragged along. My partner was 49 and died instantly from a cardiac arrest, he went out with his mate on his usual bike ride and never came back.
The shock and pain is all consuming at the beginning, It will fade to a dull ache as you move forward on this journey. You will have dark days and maybe dark thoughts, they are normal. Take it hour by hour and accept all help. Be gentle on yourself. This is hard.
Despite the fear of doing it, you will move forward and things will ease. You’ll get used to no texts, no calls, nothing will be the same but you will start to live a life. How that life looks is down to you.
I’m now 9 months in. I live a life, I laugh see friends, go on holiday, all the things I thought I would never do. I miss him everyday but I owe it to him to live a life and not waste it, I do it because he can’t and I don’t want him looking down at me wasting what he could have had if he was here.
The grief is still there, the tears still come but not all the time. Grief comes in waves, from huge to rough but more often now to mostly calm, the huge ones less frequent.
Take it easy with work. Took me roughly 4 months to get back to work on a phased return. Many a tearful day at work too but you’ll get through it because we have to. We don’t have a choice.
Best wishes
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@Foreveryoung81 Absolutely Grief comes in waves . Im now moving into month 4 and it lessens a little. This morning I woke and cried. Im defintely worse when the weather is bad.
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I lost my husband in may. Totally unexpected death. No health issue. After he died i suddenly went from being a confident person to someone that now suffers from anxiety and unable to do anything out of my comfort zone. I feel so weak and useless. I miss him so much , we were married 40 years snd i feel lost .
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