My mum was the most funny generous and compassionate person I have ever known, she would give her last penny to anyone in need and was the backbone of our family. After being left for months by the GP and the hospital where they failed to communicate her test results, she she suffered a stroke and then a heart attack followed by several more strokes until after 9 weeks she died (2nd April) I was there the whole time nursing her and caring for her whilst she was in the hospital. It transpires she had a heart infection that if treated earlier she may still be here. I am totally devastated and am struggling every day to cope. I keep having flashbacks of how she suffered and with each stroke she lost more of herself. My mum kept saying she didn’t want to die and I feel I couldn’t save her. How do you ever get past this grief. I have a husband and 2 children but I just feel numb all the time
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like a wonderful person. It’s normal to feel guilty after a loved one dies, even when there’s nothing we could have done. Please be gentle with yourself.
If you find flashbacks are interfering with your daily life, it’s worth speaking to your GP for extra help.
I know someone will be along soon with support - the community is here for you. Keep reaching out.
Rhi (Online Community Team)
Hi, sorry for your loss… it sounds like you’ve had a very traumatic experience. You are still in the early raw stage of grief, so take things one day at a time. There are so many emotions that arise and you will naturally over think all the details relating to your loss. It’s so tough! Make the most of any support around you, just to get through these harsh days. My Mum died in January so I’m further on the journey. The raw stage is over for me, but I’m still in a fog of sadness. Sending best wishes to you…xx
Youve been through a traumatic time. Losing our mums doesnt feel like anything else weve experienced. Your feelings are totally normal.
I witnessed my mum having a stroke and a heart attack last year, then she died in Dec.
Plenty of people on this site experienced their loved ones pass and the feeling of powerlessness is unbearable. We all feel that if we’d done more or different, then we may have been able to change the outcome.
You say you think she had an infection that couldve been treated and thst sounds very painful.
I only know that my mum was so fragile and if your mum was having multiple strokes, then her system was already weak. Trying to fight is a normal gut reaction to wanting our loved ones to stay alive.
It does get a bit easier over time but youre so raw, which is expected. Its so awful, Ive been told I may need treatment for trauma if I keep reliving the last days.
Please seek help wherever you can.
I can’t advise you on how to deal with grief cause unfortunately I lost my Mum to. But had to reach out to you and let you know that you aren’t on your own.
This site does help a little and I don’t know what I’d have done without it.
I’m all over the place with my emotions and feel like I annoy the rest of my family going on about her all the time but it’s the only thing I want to talk about.
The pain is immense and I don’t think we will ever get over it but I think in time it’s something that we will learn to live with and grow around.
Thank you for your kind words. I am debating whether to see a professional. I have found comfort in this forum and knowing that im not alone. Today I feel a little bit better but I know that there are so many constant reminders of my mum around me and that sets me back again. I want to be able to look at photos of us together but the pain is too raw. It’s a shame there are no magic potions that take away the pain.
I am sorry for your loss too and thank you for reaching out.
I’m going to be honest with you, I have days where I think I’m doing okay and finally feeling better then on other days it comes over me like a flood but that’s what grieving is, it comes in waves, but I’ve learnt just to let it do what it wants now, there’s just no fighting it. Having a Mum is so special and having her taken her away from you is one of the most painful things you could ever go through, sending you all the love in the world x
Thank you for your response. It does really help knowing you are not going crazy and the feelings we are experiencing are normal. It’s such a void when you lose someone so close to you. I often have thoughts in mind where I am saying to myself how devastated I am and I know mum would be telling me it will be okay and to be strong. It’s the hardest thing to endure. I find so difficult to find comfort in anything at the moment.
I am so sorry you lost your mum too, strokes are just awful.
Thank you for your response. I have thought a lot about getting help and now reached out to 2 specialists but both are not taking any new clients. I will keep searching as I do believe it will help.
Who did you go to for help? Try and self refer to mind matters which you can do online, also the funeral directors should have a bereavement counsellor available x
I was waiting a while to get counseling though, wish they were more resources out there but using this site helped me whilst I was waiting x
Thank you so much. I will let the waves come as they do already and just ride them out. Nothing I can do will bring her back. I keep telling myself she would not want me to be sad and that she would want me to live a happy life but it’s very hard. I genuinely thought I would have her for another 20 years, how wrong was I! One day at time is what I am working on and sometimes one hour at a time x
I know that feeling all too well my mum was only 50 and I’m 32, might have a long time to go without her, it totally sucks
Thanks, yes strokes are awful. I never in a million years thought I’d witness that happening but as I’ve discussed with plenty of people, we are rubbish in our society in dealing with death. I’m sure it contributes to the problem of feeling so distressed seeing our loved ones decline/ pass away.
At the moment, you’re probably not ready for any help that’s too heavy. I got some counselling through the GP, but it took 2 months to come through.
I was reliving the final days constantly at first but now that seems to come up at times when there’s trigger, like Bank Holidays, that I used to spend with her. There are also reminders everywhere.
I also tormented myself with not being able to ‘save her’, which you mentioned. My mum also was fighting and wanting to live-that feels so painful. in her dementia, my mum called out for me a lot of the time. That feels comforting and tough at the same time. I think she thought I could ‘save her’…?
It does feel comforting that many people on this site are feeling similar things and the more you share the more you realise that we’re just being ‘human’, our mum’s mattered-maybe we’re more sensitive than others that don’t join a site like this, I don’t know?
My mum was elderly and if yours was significantly younger, my heart goes out to you. You must feel robbed.
Sorry, I’m rambling on…! Take care, Mazza x
I am sorry for your loss also. I am trying to put a brave face on but inside I am falling apart. It’s hard to find happiness in anything when you have lost the most important person in your life. I miss her so much we used to speak 3 times a day and I so miss her voice.
What you say so resonates with me. I am booking am appointment with a GP next week to get some professional help. I don’t think you ever get over losing your mum and I am literally in pain when I think of her, which is most of the time. My life is just dull of numbness. Thank you for sharing your situation, it does help knowing that you are not the only person that feels as I do.
Doesn’t matter what age you’re, losing the woman that brought you into this world… The amazing woman that gave up a chunk of her adult hood to be there for you to help raise a baby into a adult. Mum’s are just bloody amazing… It’s sad that we have to say goodbye to them… Some much earlier then others.
I came across a song for mums I found to be quite beautiful… Supermarket flowers by Ed sheeran.
Here’s to every amazing loving mum that helped make us into the people we’re today.
Thank you, it is a beautiful song. You are right, our mum’s are who help create us into the people we become. I only ever had unconditional love from mine, she was so proud of her family and was always there no matter what. I miss her every moment of the day and the only time I’m not feeling the agony of her not being here is when I am asleep