Overwhelmed with sadness

On the 10th Feb 2020 my darling husband died suddenly in his sleep. He was awake and well at 5:15 in the morning and by the time I went back upstairs to wake him up at 9;am he had gone. I don’t know what happened. No one can give me any answers. He had just started chemotherapy a week before and said he felt really well. We had been told just before Christmas that his cancer was terminal which was a shock as he had had so much previous treatment like surgery, Radiotherapy and Radioiodine. we were all very hopeful. A postmortem was done which was inconclusive so a 2nd one was done which was also inconclusive. No one would sign his death certificate as all the doctors he had seen recently said he was well. Finally I received the death certificate which said he died of cancer.
I have no closure. We all knew he had cancer but the last thing he said to be the night before he died was that he felt so well.

I miss him so much. He was my everything. I feel so sad all the time that he’s not with me. In all the time since his diagnosis 2 years ago I never once contemplated life without him and I can’t get over the shock.

Hi Ellie. Welcome. No one wants to be on this site, but thank God it’s here. You will find we all know and understand what you are feeling. There is no substitute for having been there. You are, at the moment, in shock. The unexpectedness of it all has come like a blow to you. Everything is upside down and finding a solution to your pain seems impossible. Not knowing why adds to the distress. It’s too soon to begin to do a lot other than mourn. Allow emotions to come as they will. Have you any support from family or friends? You need as much help and support as you can get. A visit to your GP is a good idea. They can often help with advice and even if you don’t want medication they can maybe suggest other ways to help. Taking it all day to day is the best way at the moment. Our prayers and Blessings are with you. Come back and talk whenever you feel the need. We are all good listeners.

1 Like

Hi ellie,
My dad died almost 22 years ago when he was just 53 years old.
He asked my mum for a cup of tea at 8am on a saturday morning and when she returned 10 mins later he was gone. The post mortem stated a massive heart attack. My dad was in remission from an aggressive cancer. He had as much chemo and radio therapy as he was allowed and was warned that he had an 80 percent chance of his cancer returning with no treatment options. I believe the heart attack took him from what was otherwise going to be a drawn out painful death.
I take comfort from this although it took me a long time to get to that point. Maybe you will get comfort too?
Unfortunately my mum died of a sudden brain haemorrhage last year aged 74. I am not yet at any stage in which I am comforted. But I hope in time to accept that she had a quick death, no pain or fear.
It’s all we’ve got really isnt it.
Cheryl x

Dear Ellie, You don’t me, but after reading your post I can certainly agree with you and your plight. Oh how I wish life didn’t have to be this way. I lost my wife back in November 2019, They said it was a heart attack - she just dropped dead on the couch - I had no idea she was at this stage - as we were out shopping for a coat - because the zipper on her coat was broken. The family said I should have known - but how could I??? I hurt now, because she was very active and younger than me. I hope I have not distracted you from your grief, but I sympathize with you in this matter. Just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss — many of us on this site can understand your feelings and grief,. May God help you thru this ordeal.

Ellie I can, only say how very sorry I am. I agree with John about being in shock. As you feel you have no answers perhaps when you feel up to it and with some support from a friend or relative you can contact the Patient Liason Service. This may give you some answers. I did this when my husband died mainly because I was myself I’ll at the time and was so confused about exactly what happened. I know nothing can take the pain away but if you could understand why this was so sudden perhaps it would help. Ellie I have found this group very unders t landing and even though I still mourns and feel desolate at times it does help to share. You can ask if share anything in this g roup. Thinking of you xxx

Dear Ellie
What an absolutely terrible experience for you to have to go through. Having that hope dashed away after all that treatment he had endured and no doubt you have travelled along that road alongside him.
I do know what it’s like I had ten years of living in hope once my husband was diagnosed. A roller coaster of emotions.
I will say that I would agree with what Cheryl (C1971) has said and in time you might find that you can be thankful that your lovely husband was spared the possibility of the terrible pain that C can cause.
My husband stayed strong for many years but his last months were horrendous. From praying for a miracle I started praying for God to take him and spare him anymore pain and fear. I honestly wish on reflection that my beloved husband could have gone to sleep and been spared those latter months that were a nightmare.
I also would have liked some answers but decided that nothing was going to bring him back so what was the point. This was my way of finding closure.
Good luck

Thanks pattidot x