I think that is absolutely great that you are wearing what makes you feel comfy and close to your husband at his funeral. I wish I had done the same as we was keen walkers and gardeners and constantly in casual clothes or waterproofs. I had to dig deep in my wardrobe to find clothes that I hadn’t worn for years.
I gave the funeral directors my husbands allotment working clothes for him to wear as he wasn’t keen on dressing up either. At times like this we find ourselves doing what we have a gut feeling is right.
After the funeral there will be a lot to get sorted. Pace yourself, don’t panic. I chose to deal with two phone calls a day and kept everything that I did in a folder with comments if required. All post was also put in a folder so that it was all together and easy to find at a later date.
Don’t forget that on this forum there are always people that will offer advice and help you, so stay with us and let us know how you are getting on. You can always seek counselling through the Sue Ryder Forum.
Good luck to you


Dear @FleurDeLis, will reply to your message properly later in the week, just wanted to say that hopefully the funeral will go as well as it can given the tragic circumstances.

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Thank you Pattidot, yes I am glad now that I chose these clothes as it feels more authentic to me than most of what I have been doing lately. I love it that you gave your husband’s clothes from an activity he enjoyed.
I will take your advice about pacing myself, last night I woke in the night panicking about lots of things again and what calmed me down was actually thinking to myself “Pattidot Pattidot” and remembering what you’d said to me. I did that a few times actually last night so thank you :blush:

Abdullah that means a lot that you still took the time to wish me luck, thank you.

I hope you both have a good day. I’ll let you know how it goes from my end.

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Hi It’s so easy to go into a panic, I think we must all do it at some time or other. My time for the ‘panic button’ to be pushed is when I wake up in the morning and it’s a different thing each day. After a short time the panic leaves me and usually I can’t even remember what that days panic has been later in the day. So just focus on the thing you want to get sorted out that day and worry about other things the next day and slowly that ‘panic’ list will get dealt with
My thoughts are with you.

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Dear @FleurDeLis,

Wow, Rene was from Netherlands? That’s so nice, which part? Did you ever visit? I went to the Netherlands once as I had to go and help a client in Utrecht for just one day, but I spent a few more days in Amsterdam, I loved that country, just sad I didn’t get much time there. My mum has spent more time there than me, as my cousin and his wife from Pakistan were both doing their postgraduate research in Medicine at the University of Groningen, and so when my cousin’s mum was visiting them in Groningen, my mum went to stay for a month in March 2013. Which part of Scandinavia does your company work in?

I’m really sorry you had been told to go back to where you came from, yeah, these micro-aggressions can be quite distressing. I am so glad Rene’s British passport came, but so sad he never got to see it, I hope having his passport gives you comfort.

It is nice to hear that the funeral went ok. Will you now move in with your mum? When do his siblings go back?

As much as I want to leave this country, mum will always come first. A few days before my dad left for hospital for the final time, he had a cough attack for a few minutes in the afternoon whilst he was lying down. I told him to sit up as I was very worried. After it finished, he said in a quiet voice without looking at me “Make sure you look after your mum”. He knew he won’t be here for much more time.

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Hi Abdullah, yes René is from Leiden, I visited lots and in the beginning planned to move there but struggled to leave my family and he liked it here so it worked out. I had been learning Dutch since last year and hoping to get my Dutch citizenship so I could still have an EU passport but I guess I won’t be eligible or have the heart for it now in time.
I love NL too and admire so many little things about the way they do things. I also like how very direct and no nonsense they are in general!

My company works across Scandinavia and I’ve travelled in Finland, Sweden, Denmark and Norway for various projects over the years, only staying a couple of days at a time as I am quite homely and missed René too much but it was nice to see and sometimes he came with me before we had the cats.

Most of my work at the moment was in Finland which is my favourite to work in and such a beautiful country. I had been through an interview process last months for a promotion which my manager told me I got I just remembered. That was last week when I phoned to say I need more time off. I didn’t really think about it then or say anything but I better tell them I don’t want that as my brain doesn’t work properly now so that will be too much I think, hoping I can start to go back part-time sometime soon so I don’t lose my job but that would already be enough of a challenge I think amongst all these other things now.
Also I’m not sure I can go for 30 mins without crying and since I mainly work with men (construction) that will not go down well for the future of equal women’s rights!

Yes having Renés passport gave me happy tears when it arrived as he’d battled for a year to get it (and it cost 2000 quid accumulated for all those citizenship tests which we didn’t have spare but we thought it was important so cut back other things to pay ). He’d even written to our MP about it so it was quite a struggle and he would have been elated to finally see he won this battle!

I still don’t know what to do next or if I should move, I have so many mixed feelings.

His siblings returned the morning after the funeral as they have to go into 10 day isolation in NL because England is a high covid country so I didn’t see them again after the day of the funeral. I felt much better with them so I hope to keep contact with them.

I think you are right to put your mum first. I think you would have done anyway even if your dad hadn’t said that because of the way you speak about her but having him say that in that way makes me really feel for you, it must play on your mind.

Do you have to stay where you are now within England or could you move closer to her somehow? Maybe in another part of England you could enjoy it more?

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Nice, I hadn’t heard of Leiden, seems like a lovely place. That is good that you went and visited. I can understand that you don’t have the heart at the moment to go ahead and gain Dutch citizenship, but maybe that is something that will still be available to you in the future. And well done Rene for getting his passport.

Yes, it sounds like a good idea to put off the promotion for the time being, and hopefully your employer will be understanding and let you go back to work at your own pace. Work can help to get mind off the pain for a few minutes here and a few minutes there, but at the same time, you do not want to go back to work and take on too much responsiblity when you’re not ready for it.

It’s a horrible situation for you to be in regarding living arrangements, if you lived in a nice area you could continue living there and have your mum visit and stay over or you could go and stay over, so there’s a lot of uncertatinty, which is the last thing we need when we are suffering from grief. Yep, it is true, I would always look after my mum regardless of anything else, I hope to see her for the first time in three months next week.

How will you spend the weekend? At your mum’s place?

That’s good that you will see your mum next week, will one of you visit the other or do you meet somewhere? It’s quite tricky at the moment to travel I think with nowhere open for toilet stops and things like that I guess so I hope it goes well.

Does your mum live by herself?

Thanks for your advice. I worked hard for the promotion in a competitive process so my brother said I should still go ahead (my mum thinks not), I can’t imagine taking on more and will be pleased if I just manage to keep my job though at all so yes I will phone my boss next week and decline.

I am in such a pickle over where to live, at first I was quite clear I couldn’t bear to stay home but over the days now I miss home when at my mums . Maybe I will make a new thread about that to try and order my thoughts as I am very confused about it. Whichever I decide will take a long time to organise due to problems with the home automation/electrics which are still ongoing. My mum and I have I have slept at my house every night but she wants us to try sleeping at hers soon instead. I feel apprehensive about that.

Today my stepdad will arrive soon and then I can either go back to my mums with her until teatime or stay at home by myself, I stayed home yesterday alone for only the third time and I enjoyed it going on my computer like I used to (although not doing my usual things but sorting out name changes on accounts and that kind of thing). It gave me some chance to think and I also listened to some music and had coffee… All things I normally would do but have not been these last weeks. It was nice to have some familiarity.

No plans for tomorrow but usually this is how it is each day. What about you?

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@Abdullah I just remembered your mum does live by herself, does she have friends or other family nearer to her than you?

Mum called me a few hours ago, she was so ill that she called my brother over and he checked her blood pressure and it was over 200, so they phoned 999, and they’re going to send a doctor - but it might take 6 hours because they’re all so busy.

My car is at the garage, my mechanic took it away yesterday, he’s a lovely guy but he has some serious mental health problems which cause him to disappear for days, where he switches off his phone and you can’t get hold of him, so I have no idea if he is even going to give me my car back today, if he can, and if mum is still at home and not taken to hospital, then I will go and see her, I am praying she will be ok, I love her so much.

Hope you’re coping as well as you can, I need a few days off here to gather my thoughts, will reply to your message properly later. Take care.

No need to reply. I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and your mum and I hope everything goes ok.
Ann x

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Oh Abdullah what awful news. I truly hope your mum will be OK and that you can get to her quickly. Please look after yourself too, I am thinking of you and wishing very hard that all goes well. Take Care. Love to you and your family to be ok.

p.s No need to reply to me either. I will be wondering how you are doing but not expecting you to post of course. All the best!

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Still thinking about Abdullah. Hoping the best.

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Thanks so much @AnnR and @FleurDeLis, thankfully she’s a bit better now, her blood pressure is for now down to a more reasonable level and her GP is sending her for blood tests, unfortunately my mechanic is AWOL, he said he will give my car back by Saturday and now it is Monday and he isn’t even replying to any messages, hopefully he will give it back today or tomorrow as I have to visit mum on Wednesday as the stairlift guy is visiting and mum doesn’t like being alone at home with men, it makes her uncomfortable and insecure.

Fleur - will reply to your post and some of your other posts tonight.

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So glad to hear that. Abdullah. Let’s hope your Mum goes from strength to strength.,
Your mechanic seems to be messing you around a bit. Is there no senior person you could speak to, to explain the situation regarding your Mum ? If I were you, if they can’t guarantee the car back in time, I would ask them to let you have one of their company cars as a goodwill gesture.
Hope it all works out,
Ann x


Thanks, Ann! He texted me that he will bring the car back tonight, let’s hope so, otherwise you’re right, I might have to ask him to arrange another car for me.

That’s good. I hope he sticks to it. My thoughts are with you and your Mum. Hope she will be ok.
Ann x

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Hi Abdullah, it is good to hear your mum is a bit better, thank goodness. I hope she can relax a bit in coming days and good that it sounds like th GP will keep monitoring the situation. I really hope the best for you both and that you can visit as planned on Weds.

It is just typical that the mechanic did this at just the worst time so I hope he makes good on his promise tonight and you get your car back in good condition for the journey on Weds.

I hope you are looking after yourself too amidst all this stress and worry so that you can also be in best condition to look after your mum on Weds. That’s nice she has you to do that, I can completely understand that she wouldn’t want to be alone with a man there, it is something that fills me with dread too so I think it is really a big deal that she has you for that.

Don’t worry about replying to my messages, I am just glad to know you are managing ok. Take care!

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Oh, I do so feel for you! It is almost exactly the same for me. My husband was so extremely competent, I am so extremely incompetent, and it was he who did all the practical things round the house. Like you, I am left thinking that I cannot work my own house … the very day after I lost my husband the heating system failed. It had never done so before! A couple of days after that, the lavatory sprung a leak. Again, this had never happened before. We had no television, only a DVD player. I have learnt how to operate it, but am now terrified that that, too, will go wrong. His beloved car is in the garden, but like you I don’t drive. It needs to be sold, but I have so far been unable to find any of the necessary documents. My husband was meticulous in his work but the whole of his workroom plus the whole of the study are covered in files and folders and stacks of paper and equipment. He knew where everything was: I had to search for days before I even discovered his driving licence. It is terrible to be so unprepared, especially when my husband had been suffering heart problems for a good few years. I know, now, too late, that I should have been better organised. I can only repeat that I do so feel for you, and sympathise, and believe me I am in exactly the same situation - and no family to turn to.

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Music maker i am crying reading your post, even when we dreaded this, how could we really have believed this could really happen to our capable strong husbands and been prepared, although the thought crossed my mind many times too that I shouldn’t have been so dependent on him. he liked to take care of me though as I’m sure your husband did with you. We took care of them too in other ways didnt we. I think my husband would have managed very fine without me though except for maybe with the washing machine, that was a mystery to him.

People can help somewhat but they do make comments that upset me where they criticise us for him doing all these things (everyone thinks i was too stupid allowing him to make all these unusual modifications to our voice controlled house but he loved to do it do I am glad he had that joy).

It still must be even worse having no people to help though. Do you manage to eat and look after yourself? its such hard work i think. I keep talking to my husband in secret if I get a minutes peace from my well meaning relatives and sometimes I then remember something that is useful or comforting. Most times though I am just in despair over one thing or another. Take care and thank you for your message.