A few weeks ago my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had been side by side on our computers at home just like normal. I went down to make coffee and when I came back he said he had some pains in his back and was going to run a bath, I ran the bath for him but then called 999 as he quickly couldnt breathe. I was talked through first aid and CPR which I did, it was the hardest physical thing in my life as I had to perform the CPR for a long time until the first paramedic arrived and then he had to put his PPE on for Covid before he could take over, every chest compression I thought my body was about to give out but I managed to keep going due to my love for my husband… I collapsed in the street afterwards when running to get the next ambulance but got up again. Sadly 50 minutes of the paramedics effort following mine was not enough and he died.
During the time when the 5 paramedics were working on him they had moved some of the bedroom furniture to get better access. The next day when moving the bedroom furniture back with the help of close family we discovered they had knocked an electric socket out of the wall and it was arcing. When being replaced the electricity had to be shut down and this switched off the router.
My husband was an avid home electronics expert and everything in our house works on home automation, curtains, blinds, fire alarm, doorbell, cameras, lights… motion sensors and a myriad of other sensors and smart plugs on most things. I can barely work it when he was there and left him to it as he enjoyed it so much but now it is making everything even worse that my home feels against me and i cannot do simple things like change channel on the tv (the first night was stuck on BBC2 all night) or switch on a light.
Today I finally worked out where the plug for Christmas lights was (in a hidden compartment within the boiler cupboard! Until now my mum and I have been sleeping in the front room with Christmas lights on. There are still many other lights that have been on for almost two weeks that i cannot switch off.
I am also trying to organise the funeral, there had to be a post mortem due to the sudden nature of the death and that was completed in recent days. I have no idea what i am doing there and it costs so much.
My mum has a lot on her plate and before this i was worried about her (my grandmother is terminally ill and my mum has also been ill all year in addition to a full time demanding job and lots of other things). Now i am another of those things putting more strain on her as she tries to help me.
I dont drive but have a car in the drive. My stepdad took me to my mums house for a few hours a couple of times and i feel a lot better and safer there, despite i love my house it doesnt feel like my house now with my husband not there.
My mum said i can stay with her but have four cats and dont drive (we live around half hour drive apart) so i can’t go and stay with her and also i live in a bad neighbourhood where i am certain the house will be robbed without anyone in it (and maybe in it which leads me to another thing, i am terrified here when on my own which i need to get used to i guess but I am not sure anyone will buy this house due to that in the past i had to make a lot of anti social behaviour reports to the police/council).
My husband had put so much work into this house over the last 5 years making every detail perfect for me so we had a wonderful happy house. I love him so much, we were together 17 years and i feel like i dont even have time to think about this aspect because of all the exhausting details. I don’t think i can feel happy or safe in this house without him as everything is gradually breaking and i cannot work my own house (sleeping under multicoloured christmas lights on for 11 days, it is only going to get worse when more stuff starts to go weird like if the wired in smoke alarms go off or the cameras that help me feel a bit safer go off and i dont know what to do).
How on earth can i go forward here… i’ve no idea…