This is the first weekend me and the kids have had on our own since Neil, my husband, died suddenly. We decided to start tidying the garden but soon found that we couldn’t find the tools we needed in the tip of the garage that was Neil’s domain. My intrepid 14 year old son was brilliant sorting through everything and eventually found what we needed. But, I found the whole thing overwhelming with the realisation that I am now alone. After being with Neil for 25 years (married for 19) this is it - I am at age 48 a widow. I am in total charge of bringing up a 14 year old son and a 10 year old girl. This wasn’t the plan - we should be doing this together and growing old together. We had such plans that now will never happen. How I going to do this - I feel so alone!
I totally resonate with all you are saying. I am 58 years old and have recently lost the love of my life. We didn’t have any children together so I am so lonely. My sister came round today and said maybe doing a bit of gardening together might occupy me but after going in the garage and the shed I too became overwhelmed as these places were definitely his domain and we just couldn’t find anything to hand. The last thing I wanted to do was go through everything looking so we left it! We both had such plans for our retirement and we did everything together, holidays etc…I am totally and utterly devastated and like you I feel so alone! I really have no purpose to my life now although your purpose in life will be taking care of your children who I’m sure will bring you comfort…
Thanks for reply Lynn. I am so scared of the sole responsibility of the children which is ridiculous really as Neil was at work most of the time so I did a lot by myself and I only worked part time. Now, I will have to look for a new job in a few weeks as we can’t survive on my small wages so I will be around less too. The kids have been great, but my daughter particularly is suffering now too - realising all the things that she used to do with Daddy (the fun parent) won’t happen anymore. I feel particularly useless at the moment!
You are not useless but it must be so hard trying to be strong for your children whilst dealing with your own grief as well! They have both lost their Dad and you have lost the love of your life but it’s so hard accepting it isn’t it and 2 children so young must struggle immensely. Why is life so cruel? Where are we going to find the strength from to carry on?..x
There must be something in the weather. I’m rubbish the last couple of days too. More rubbish than is usual I hasten to add. Maybe because I haven’t made myself as busy, on purpose. I just know I cannot go through life constantly at 100 mph to stop me accepting the reality. That cannot be long term healthy, surely. So, I took a couple of days out and I don’t like it. Not at all. I haven’t any answers unfortunately. Just questions, hundreds of them, all without any answers…xxx
Oh if only there were some answers and particularly an answer to the one no doubt you are asking as I am constantly asking…WHY?! xx
I don’t even know what I’m asking anymore. I know this happens to people the world over every day. I know it has done since time began. I also know people learn to carry on and live with it. And then, we die. What’s that about. I’m making myself laugh now. I think I’ve lost the plot x