I sadly lost my Dad nearly 6 months ago now and I am currently receiving assistance from one of the Sue Ryder grief counsellors. They have suggested I have a look at this site and see if others have felt the same and how they overcome the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
This is so difficult to write, I have deleted the message a number of times.
Whilst my Dad was at home (last few days of his life) before he went into our local hospice I was taking all the phone calls and dealing with the district nurses. The nurses were fantastic however whenever I rang them and needed them to come and give Dad more pain relief it would take them 2 hours + to arrive. I just don’t know how to forgive myself for not making those phone calls quicker every day he was at home as he was suffering so much. I feel like I have let him down.
I know my lovely Dad would not see it this way and he wouldn’t want me to think like this but I just can’t get it out of my head.
Please don’t feel guilty. I went through something similar with my Dad…he was terminally ill and as his only child I was having to deal with around 20 phone calls a day to district nurses, community nurses, Drs, hospitals, carers etc. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are only so many hours in the day and, as you say, the care takes time to arrive. It doesn’t matter how many calls you make or how quickly, there is always a wait. It isn’t your fault. Unfortunately, the system is broken. I have no doubt you did everything you could and your Dad knows that.
Guilt, what ifs and the feelings that you have let a loved one down are all perfectly normal as part of the grief journey.
Mine included not visiting my Dad everyday in the community hospital, stay longer etc.
But on reflection it’s what me & my Dad agreed!
Be kind to yourself, you gave your Dad some days at home, seeing a loved one in pain is awful but I am sure the DNs would have said if the situation needed changing.
@Heartbroken1937 , thank you for the welcome, it’s not been an easy thing to do but hopefully I will find it benefical. Thank you for taking the time to share part of your story, your words are comforting.
I know how you are feeling. I feel like the hospital failed my mum as they admitted they missed a stomach bleed which she never fully recovered from. I feel if they’d have spotted it earlier, she would have lived. I am so angry but feel so much guilt as I lost my temper with her and walked out and took a break for 2 days. That on top of the pain of remembering the pain she suffered and how unhappy and depressed she was during this time is killing me. So I know exactly how you feel. I keep telling myself I couldn’t have changed her treatment or her suffering although I keep telling myself I could have tried and that arguments happen, we are all human but it’s hard. From this group I’ve realised these feelings are common and we must carry on as our loved one wouldn’t want us to be unhappy to but to go on and be happy. But it’s hard. It hug for you
@Whistle
Us humans like to be in control of things and unfortunately death is out of our control so we go over and over everything looking to see what we did wrong, all the could haves, should haves, what if’s ect, to justify, pacify and all the numerous emotions death creates in us but rest assured you have nothing to feel guilty about, it’s all part of grief whilst we process what’s has happened. The most important bit is you loved your dad, you cared for him and was there for him, everything else was out of your control. It naturally makes us feel helpless. There is a saying if love could have saved you, you would still be here.
Try to focus on your dad’s life rather than his death
@Lisa892 thank you for the reply and the hug. I’m sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been such a difficult time for both of you. I wish I had the words to ease your guilt too . As I spend more time on the group, hopefully my guilt will subside.
@LynT thank you for the reply and your lovely words. Dad is talked about everyday in our house and we laugh and joke about things we did together or things he said and did. We all get a lot of comfort from this and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s just my head playing games with me I’m sure.
