I sadly lost my Dad nearly 6 months ago now and I am currently receiving assistance from one of the Sue Ryder grief counsellors. They have suggested I have a look at this site and see if others have felt the same and how they overcome the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
This is so difficult to write, I have deleted the message a number of times.
Whilst my Dad was at home (last few days of his life) before he went into our local hospice I was taking all the phone calls and dealing with the district nurses. The nurses were fantastic however whenever I rang them and needed them to come and give Dad more pain relief it would take them 2 hours + to arrive. I just don’t know how to forgive myself for not making those phone calls quicker every day he was at home as he was suffering so much. I feel like I have let him down.
I know my lovely Dad would not see it this way and he wouldn’t want me to think like this but I just can’t get it out of my head.
Please don’t feel guilty. I went through something similar with my Dad…he was terminally ill and as his only child I was having to deal with around 20 phone calls a day to district nurses, community nurses, Drs, hospitals, carers etc. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are only so many hours in the day and, as you say, the care takes time to arrive. It doesn’t matter how many calls you make or how quickly, there is always a wait. It isn’t your fault. Unfortunately, the system is broken. I have no doubt you did everything you could and your Dad knows that.
Guilt, what ifs and the feelings that you have let a loved one down are all perfectly normal as part of the grief journey.
Mine included not visiting my Dad everyday in the community hospital, stay longer etc.
But on reflection it’s what me & my Dad agreed!
Be kind to yourself, you gave your Dad some days at home, seeing a loved one in pain is awful but I am sure the DNs would have said if the situation needed changing.
@Heartbroken1937 , thank you for the welcome, it’s not been an easy thing to do but hopefully I will find it benefical. Thank you for taking the time to share part of your story, your words are comforting.
I know how you are feeling. I feel like the hospital failed my mum as they admitted they missed a stomach bleed which she never fully recovered from. I feel if they’d have spotted it earlier, she would have lived. I am so angry but feel so much guilt as I lost my temper with her and walked out and took a break for 2 days. That on top of the pain of remembering the pain she suffered and how unhappy and depressed she was during this time is killing me. So I know exactly how you feel. I keep telling myself I couldn’t have changed her treatment or her suffering although I keep telling myself I could have tried and that arguments happen, we are all human but it’s hard. From this group I’ve realised these feelings are common and we must carry on as our loved one wouldn’t want us to be unhappy to but to go on and be happy. But it’s hard. It hug for you
@Whistle
Us humans like to be in control of things and unfortunately death is out of our control so we go over and over everything looking to see what we did wrong, all the could haves, should haves, what if’s ect, to justify, pacify and all the numerous emotions death creates in us but rest assured you have nothing to feel guilty about, it’s all part of grief whilst we process what’s has happened. The most important bit is you loved your dad, you cared for him and was there for him, everything else was out of your control. It naturally makes us feel helpless. There is a saying if love could have saved you, you would still be here.
Try to focus on your dad’s life rather than his death
@Lisa892 thank you for the reply and the hug. I’m sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been such a difficult time for both of you. I wish I had the words to ease your guilt too . As I spend more time on the group, hopefully my guilt will subside.
@LynT thank you for the reply and your lovely words. Dad is talked about everyday in our house and we laugh and joke about things we did together or things he said and did. We all get a lot of comfort from this and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s just my head playing games with me I’m sure.
I know how you feel. The guilt I feel is probably the hardest thing to deal with. My Dad lived on his own and for years I tried getting him to move in with me but he kept refusing. During covid he stopped letting people into his home as he was terrified of catching it (he had leukemia). Even after covid he still wouldn’t allow anyone in, he kept saying he didn’t want to catch anything off anyone, he really lived in fear during and after lockdown and would only ever visit me in my home.
A fortnight before he passed away I couldn’t get hold of him, I really thought something bad had happened so I went to his home and broke down the door. I couldn’t believe how he had been living it still breaks my heart the house was upside down, no heating, no water, he was living out of one room, he was so ashamed. I still cannot believe he never mentioned it, we spoke 3/4 times every day, I refer to it as my father’s biggest secret
I managed to persuade him to move in with me and we had 5 wonderful days together watching films, having takeaways, playing games with the grandchildren etc but he started to fill up with fluid. I took him into hospital (against his will) i felt I had no choice, he was turning yellow. Unfortunately after a week of trying to drain the fluid, Dad passed away of Kidney and Heart Failure. This is where my guilt comes in……I feel guilty for not breaking down his door months ago and forcing him to move in with me sooner, maybe he would still be here now? I also feel guilty for taking him to hospital when he begged me not to, I now feel that him dying is my punishment for not listening to him.
The guilt is so so hard but my grief counsellor keeps reminding me that Dad wanted to stay in his home because it’s where his parents brought him up, it was full of wonderful memories for him that he wanted to be surrounded by, Dad didn’t care how it looked it was a palace to him and me leaving him live there was me being respectful of my Dads wishes.
The guilt around taking him to hospital, my counsellor reminds me that I am not a nurse, not a medical professional and had I not taken Dad to hospital he would have suffered tremendously as I would not have been able to make him comfortable and it would been awful for his grandchildren to see him dying the way he did which was traumatic.
Maybe try sharing your guilt with a counsellor they really do help and you could try journaling so you can write how you are feeling, I’m finding it really beneficial xx
I’m really sorry to hear about your dad, losing a parent in any way is so agonising and traumatic. But I can say from my perspective that it sounds like you made your dad very very happy. Especially the time he spent in your home being at peace.
I know guilt and regret are a part of grief - a very horrible part. But regardless of guilt the most important part is that you know you love your dad.
For me I lost my grandad (I know it’s quite different) suddenly and traumatically about five days ago. The guilt and regret of the should have, would have, could haves go round and round in my mind endlessly. I saw him the day before he died, and I was in such a rush I gave him a side hug and before I left I turned and blew him a kiss. And was out the door. The last time I ever saw him. I regret so much, I’d been struggling with OCD and mental health and I’d stopped messaging him for a year. I still saw him when we all went out as a family - and I can still remember his hugs. So bone crushing. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with this regret of not telling him that I loved him more, saw him more, messaged him more. I just hope he knew how much I loved him.
@Fozzy1 thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear that your Dad suffered so much and that you too feel guilty.
I am half way through my counselling sessions. On their advice I have started to write a journal and this is definitely helping me. I was also given a document called ‘Before I Blame Myself and Feel Guilty’. The document takes you through various scenarios on which you could feel guilty about. I have worked through the ones that are relevant to me and broken them down as to why I made the decisions I did and similar to what your conselling is telling you I can now tell myself the reasons why I did what I did and those are not decisions to feel guilty about. Actually they are decisions I should be proud of.
It sounds like you respected his wishes and loved him very much. The 5 days you had together was a beautiful gift you gave him. I think the decision to take him to hospital was made out of love and you made it in his best interests and that is what counts. Having cared for my Dad at home before going into a hospice I know what that looks like now and it’s not easy or pretty and can come with a lot problems.
Most days my head wants to turn the guilty feelings back on but I try really hard to refer my head back to why I made the decisions.
I wish you good luck with your counselling, hopefully we will all come through this ok.
Thank you @Choccy for your kind words and I’m sorry to hear about your granddad.
It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with yourself. Grandparents are very special people and tend to have special powers in my opinion, they know their grandchildren love them.
I hope you can find comfort in the fact that you did get to see him before he died and that will have meant a lot to him I’m sure. x
I’m so sorry you are feeling the guilt, I’m sure your Grandad knows how much you loved him.
It’s not for everyone but I wrote a letter to Dad which outlined my regrets and asked him for forgiveness. The funeral director placed it in his coffin during his time at the chapel of rest and it was cremated with him. It really did help and I felt it was a way of being able to tell him how I was feeling about everything x
Thank you so much for sharing this, it really does make things a little easier when you know you are not the only one carrying the guilt. I’ll take a look at that document thank you xxx
