Pain of Beteavement

My darling husband passed away on 24th August 2018. He was 85. The pain of loss is indescribable. I wake up every morning in tears and find mornings the worst part of the day. I struggle to make it through the day and look forward to bedtime when I can forget my pain for a few hours. I have little interest in anything and, for me, life has lost its meaning. Knowng that my husband and soulmate has gone forever is almost too much to bear. I am told that, in time, I will find life will get easier. I hope so for to feel as I do for the rest of my life is almost too much too bear. If anyone can offer me some hope and reassurance then that is what I long to hear.

I am so sorry you have lost your husband. I too have lost the most wonderful man I ever knew. It’s been 16 months now and I’d like to tell you it gets easier but the truth is I can’t. Grief is for life. Grief never ends but it changes. It is the price we pay for love. I find mornings the worst too. My husband used to bring me a cup of tea in bed every morning. I felt just like you but as the months have passed I find that I can smile again, laugh even but my darling man is always with me, I carry him around on my shoulder everywhere I go and in everything I do. My love for him continues to grow and I love him now more than ever. I am still his and he is still mine, we are still in a relationship - what we had, we have and what we were, we are…

I understand only too well the pain and heartache you are going through, I wish I didn’t but I do. It doesn’t get any better but you do get better at it. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that we on this site understand your loss. Much love and a big hug xx

1 Like

Dear My Salvia,

I am so sorry, and I totally understand what you are going through, I am 75 years of age and lost my husband of 47 years, four years ago and believe you me, you never get over it, the pain softens but you never again get up in the morning looking forward to the day because your whole reason for living has gone.

Life does lose it’s meaning, but you do learn to get on with it, you get up, do what need’s doing and do it. Things will never again be the same, you can’t expect it to be, because you have lost the one person you spent most of your life with so you cannot be expected to get over it as if nothing happened. You will learn to smile again, you will laugh but underneath all that there is always someone missing, but you go on about your daily business because there is no other option but to do so.

Please take care.

Love

Sheila xx

Thank you Sheila for your kind and thoughtful reply. I am finding already that life will never be so wonderful for me as it was whilst my husband was alive. I feel that half of me has died, too, and the rest of me is just existing. I have some wonderful friends who are always there for me but my reason for living died in August and, for now, am finding it very hard to function and be the happy person that I once was. I try desperately to be optimistic and that happiness will again come my way and be able to smile again as my darling husband would want me to do. Every happiness to you, Sheila.

Dear My Salvia,

I think the main problem is that not only have we lost the one person who was always there for us, no matter what and who loved us unconditionally but we have lost our future and they have lost theirs. We are making new memories of which they are no longer a part of and that is what hurt’s, our memories when we were together are now in the past so we have to move on by ourselves. Peter died, after 50 years of being together and loving each other and now life is not the life I want. I honestly cannot find a reason to get up each morning but I do get up and I carry on, it is like being a hamster on a treadmill, paddling like mad but getting nowhere. It is the same, day in and day out. There is always an anniversary or birthday that comes along year after year and it knocks you back again and again.

But we have to carry on simply because there is no other option. I know I won’t ever be truly happy again because my whole reason for living has gone.

Every happiness to you too.

Love

Sheila xx

I don’t think that I could have put my thoughts better into words than you have. I so want my husband to still be part of my future and not constantly having to be told: “you can now go and do all of those things that you have wanted to do but couldn’t whilst your husband was alive”. I don’t want memories without my husband but have no alternative but to get on and live the life that God has planned for me. I can only hope that , in time, I will feel some degree of happiness until that time when my darling husband and I meet again. It will be on that day that I will smile again because we will be together for ever. This thought is what truly helps me to face each day. I take great comfort in knowing that there are millions of men and women going through what you and I are and that we are quite “normal” in thinking and feeling as we do.

That is what our sons and friends said to me when Peter died. ‘You can now go and do all of those things that you have wanted to do’. I told them, there is nothing I want to do without him, we did everything we ever wanted to do in those 50 years we were together.

Why do people think that we are relieved our husbands have died, because that is what it sounds like. Our son’s said that they were worried about my health because of the three years I was their dad’s carer. I told them I would do it all again for years and years if it would mean he was with me again.

Doing anything at all means nothing now. If I wanted to go on cruises I could, if I wanted to move abroad, I could, but I don’t want to, I do not want to go anywhere, anymore without Peter. Even going out for the day is meaningless.

One of these days it will be over.

Love

Sheila xx

Back to top