Hi Kerry. My husband was stepdad to my two girls and they had a turbulent relationship. They came to Ron’s funeral but after that they seemed to disown me although one daughter lives in the same road as I do. It was a terrible time. I was left out of the first christmas without Ron. I wasn’t invited to my grand daughters prom celebrations. I felt in despair. Then suddenly a year later they started to communicate again and have been very supportive. I see them and my granddaughters regularly and I spent Christmas with them.I will never understand why they behaved the way they did but I have let it go and moved forward. I hope things get better for you Kerry. Grief is such a personal thing.
Dear Angiejo
Grief impacts people in so many ways. My two kids are not getting on so well since their dad’s sudden death. Son thinks his sister should have stepped up to the plate more. I suspect she feels enormous guilt that she did not stay in contact as much particularly as she was meant to visit on the weekend before her dad died. This causes me enormous stress and also anger towards my husband. I pleaded with him for years to give up the motorbike but he would not and now I am seeing our family falling apart and trying to deal with my own grief. Not coping at all well today.
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Thank you Angiejo1.
I feel so abandoned and alone.
Sheila26
That’s exactly how I feel not being able to deal with my grief I feel I’ve not even started it because of the pain I feel for the reaction from some of my family including my sons.
Hi all
I feel so scared and alone
And I do try to tell my older son
But he says now I should sort my head out wow
Head I said what about my broken heart xx
They truly don’t understand our losses.
They have their day to day lives exactly as before whereas ours has been shattered can never ever be as it was.
I don’t want to sound selfish but knowing I’m not the only widow going through this has helped me a little bit.
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Dear Kerry
In the few weeks after Ian’s death I thought I was going mad. Only by finding this site did I realise that I was not and that unfortunately there are so many experiencing the same emotions.
My son thinks counselling will be the ‘magic potion’ I need, that it will sort out all my issues. I have gave up trying to tell him that the only thing to make this better and for me to be myself again is his dad. God knows I just want my life with Ian back.
Dealt with the police again today. The investigation report is now complete and has been handed in to the Coroner. The inquiry though unlikely to open until the back end of the year. It will make no difference to how I feel, but really could do without this hanging over my head.
Take care and keep supporting each other.
Sheila xxxx
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Shelia26
I thought I was going mad to
And I found counselling a waste off time
Didn’t help me at all just made me angry
No one gets it unless they are going thru it
Take care xx
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My counsellor helps as she is the only one who listens to me anywhere close to like René did. I have just flopped down backwards in the bed and cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe… I just can’t accept this life without him. Today my family fell out and I feel even more alone than usual now I’m back on my own in the house for another lonely week.
Not that if would matter if more people were here as the 7 billion of the world could cram themselves around me and I’m still alone alone alone. Good samaritan wannabees tell me to text anytime but when I do they don’t answer. Also no one knows me. not like he does. Why could this happen. A neighbour said to me yesterday that she saw we were inseparable. We were inseparable so how can we be separated. how.
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Hello
So bloody hard to do anything isn’t it
Unless people are going thru this they don’t
Understand at all x
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Dear FleurDeLis
As I write this, I feel the same as you. My husband accepted me warts and all, he understood me totally and I cannot accept this life. I am just hoping that tomorrow your family will have reflected and seen sense that they need to resolve their issues and support you.
I too hate those who said just get in touch if you need me - then do not return the calls and in some cases do not answer their doors when clearly they are home and left me to walk away in pieces clearly distraught. They are now deleted from my contacts - will not shed any more tears over them.
My husband and I had just overcome so many challenges and were beginning to get our lives back on track only for him to be taken from me and family. I wish we could get answers to our many questions, I wish I could take away our pain. All I can hope for all of us on this site is that we have a better day tomorrow - somehow.
Take care. We are here for you.
Sheila xxx
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KERRY. Things have a strange way of working themselves out. Children can be so selfish sometimes even when they are adults. I want to scream at them sometimes to ask them why they stayed away for so long but it was always tense between my husband and them as.Ron did not really know how to handle them especially during teenage years. But I was sooo hurt and trying to grieve at the same time. It has hardened me up though and now I feel much stronger. I am sorry you are so low. Please private message me anytime you may wish to. X
Kerry I lost my husband on NY eve he went to bed and died in his sleep from a blood clot due to covid. Like you I feel each day is a struggle and if it wasn’t for my son I don’t think I would want to carry on as recently retired and feel I have no purpose. However I do walk everyday even if I don’t want to and that helps. But I cry all the time and get panic attacks so I think our feelings are normal I hate waking up to a stomach churning feeling and asking why why why. I am sending you virtual hugs and I hope you get as much support as you can from people close to you in this difficult lockdown time.
I just had to reply to this thread of posts containing such heart wrenching stories.
My wife Bridget hasn’t died although she is in the late stage of dementia and has died to me as she doesn’t know me and now she deteriorated so much I’m afraid it won’t be long.
So I see her passing away each day when I visit and the stress of my darling wonderful Bridget slipping away is awfully hard to bear. So I have similar stress to each one of you and there are times when I too think I’m going mad with grief.
I’ve just woken up in a cold sweat fearful of what I’ll experience when I see her today. The care home look after her well but if I got a phone call saying she died in the night then at least I wouldn’t have this continuing anxiety. More likely she’ll drift away over time.
People recommend that I should do this or that to help with the stress but all I really want is her to be with me, back home sitting on the sofa looking at stupid daytime tv. And we’d talk about the weather, the news, and hundreds of mundane things. But Bridget left my world two years ago for the care home and I’m desperately unhappy every day.
I anticipate her death everyday and support from my family is either nothing or inappropriate. I feel now I’m becoming a nuisance and boring. My daughter is celebrating her husband’s birthday without me which is unusual ( some excuse about tables).
I suppose everyone I know see or hear a man facing the world bravely when inside I’m falling apart.
Thank you all for opening up with your grief. It helps a little to know what I’m feeling is felt by so many. And don’t you wish people would stop saying “ oh well that’s life”! I wish I could shout at them and say” no it’s death and dying” you inconsiderate stupid idiot.
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Hello @Peter11. Peter, you are naturally feeling sad for what you know will eventually happen and your worst fears will be realized. The reality is that you don’t like to see Bridget the way she is as you feel you have lost her. You really haven’t lost her yet Peter. She may not recognize you as you would like, but she is living and breathing. You still have a wife in the NOW. Please try not to live too far in the future (Trust me, I’m an expert!!!) Slow your thoughts down and see that she is still your lovely Bridget in this moment. It is something a lot of us on here would trade anything for just to go back for one more precious minute to hold our loved one’s hand. I know this doesn’t diminish your pain but try to hold on to what you DO have rather than worry about what you WON’T have. I hope this helps.
Love and light. x
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Thank you @Jean2 for those supporting thoughts.
You’re right of course. Many would give anything to have one more moment with their love ones. I’ve no idea how I’ll be when Bridget finally
goes - how could I? But I suspect it’ll be devastating, a bit like now but times 1000. I try really hard to treasure what I have now but all my doubts and fears crowd all others thoughts out.
Thank you for just being there.
Peterx
I went in to visit today and Bridget was very vacant and not interested in food. I’m advised by fellow carers that I should expect a progress towards her condition getting worse but this isn’t helpful when all I do is worry about losing her.
I do know that her time is limited but I’m frightened, yes fear, what I’ll be like when the time arrives. I never thought it would come to this and I suppose
I believed she had more time. All the staff give me encouragement but to be without her would be too much for me to bear.
I know the majority of fellow posters here have experienced the ultimate loss and tell me to make the most of now but I lost my wife long ago to dementia. To lose her physical presence as well is unthinkable. Not to be able to stroke her hand, kiss her cheek, make her smile, well then I’ll know the agony of what others have lost for ever.
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Hello @Peter11. I totally understand your fears about actually losing Bridget. I always need to plan everything ahead and be in control. When I knew that my husband had only a few days to live (sudden illness) my mind just slotted into place. I did everything that needed to be done, kept my cool as I sat by his bedside and the minutes just enfolded one at a time. It was a bit like a dream but I did it for my husband’s sake so I could be proud of myself and also to think he would be proud of me. You will have a guiding hand that will take you through whatever you have to face. In private afterwards you can cry and grieve as much as you like and it will be hard, but you will have done it all for Bridget and you can know that forever she will be with you - just a thought away.
Love and light.x
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