I lost my mom,my best friend 2 wks before xmas.I had spent the day before with her in hospital and she insisted on going home.going against doctors advice.I respected her wishes.The following day i was at her home all morning.she reassured me she was ok.i left her alone for 2 hours…when i returned to her after she didnt answer her phone i found that she had passed away.I have never forgiven myself for not being there.if i had stayed would things have been different.she is on my mind all day,i cant see past the loss of her.Im so heart broken and feel so alone.The guilt i feel is so intense.I know i will never forgive myself.I close my eyes and see her laying there.I keep visualising how it would have happened.I know this isnt healthy but i cant stop.Its her birthday soon.the first birthday without her.I really dont know how I will cope
Amanda, it is not at all unusual for people to know instinctively that they are dying soon and will wait until they are alone to go. I’m sure you’ve heard of this happening. Sick people wait until the hospital visitors are gone, parents wait for the kids to leave, children wait for their parents to leave the room.
My MIL waited until her daughter arrived from England and passed within minutes of her arriving at bedside. My cousin waited until he saw his only grandson’s face and died a day after his birth. My friend’s little girl waited for her parents to go into the backyard for some fresh air and sunlight. My mother waited until I finally went home the one and only night in 6 months.
It is a phenomenon. Please, do not burden yourself with guilt. Nothing suggests that there was anything you could have done to prevent your mother’s death. I know you wanted to be there to comfort her, but she didn’t want you, her baby, to witness her death. She waited until you were gone. Mother’s true love.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Let that guilt go. I am sorry that you lost your mom, truly, it is a loss like no other. Loss of unconditional love. It hurts.
Much love.
I know all what your saying is true.Mom was 83 with severe copd and her left lung gas a massive mass.she couldn’t take a full breath towards the end.Its just the way i found her.she had fallen and hit her head.she clearly tried to get herself up too,but couldnt manage.Its knowing that she lay there suffercating and knowing if i was there at least i could have got her up.Thank you for your kind words.I will never forget the image.
Yes ive heard a lot of stories like yours.and i work with end of life myself so i do find a little comfort in knowing that.It is stil very hard
Im so sorry for your loss also.you have been through so much yourself 
Amanda - often when it looks like someone died after falling and suffering alone on the floor, it is that they died first and then fell. Truth.
My husband was also on the floor. He scraped his knuckles on the wall, there was a blood smear there, but no signs of bleeding because he died before he fell.
Yes, the last image in our heads is awful and I wish we could erase it, but we can’t. I find that if I look at my favorite photo of my husband when he was young, healthy, happy and full of life, it gives me an image to impose in my head instead. In fact one long look at that photo has lasted for 6 weeks. It is the image that i want to remember, rather that what I saw. Try it. I might help.
Much love.