This was my first attempt to come to terms with my loss
2nd May 2021
I live in a sea of pain. I acknowledge that pain, I breathe into that pain and know that my pain exists because I loved Edwina with all my heart and soul.
My pain began on the 25th of August 2020 when the doctor told my wife Edwina and I that the chemo was not working and there was nothing else that could be done. It was a moment when time stood still. Edwina said to me ‘We will never be separated’ and that I was to go home and sort things out for a hospital bed. At this point I was ok as I had things to do. However, the hospital called me at about 6pm to come in as soon as possible. My lovely lady was slipping away. She became conscious for a very short time and saw me. Her bright blue eyes and a beautiful smile. I stayed until her final breath at 0210 on the 26th August. I looked out of the window expecting the world had come to a standstill but the traffic still moved, the lights stayed on and finally I went home alone.
My pain is bigger that the universe and in fact there is nothing that is big enough to hold my pain even now eight months on.
I cannot ignore this pain that I have. It intrudes into everything I do so I am very slowly learning to ‘live’ in the pain’. I see my pain and bear witness to my pain. My pain needs to be heard. It has a voice I can hear and feel and now I know that I must not ignore my pain. I cannot run from it and I cannot hide from it. It is me, my pain is who I am and will be with me until I die.
I look at the night sky, see its magnificence. It seems big enough to hold my pain. My pain is no longer trapped in me. It can expand, it becomes itself and somehow it seems to soften. I need to let my pain be free to express itself. To try to confine it, to hold it in check makes my pain hurt more. My pain has a name and that name is Grief for the passing of Edwina, my beautiful loving wife and soul mate. We completed each other and became one and now I am alone in my grief.
The harsh reality of her death scours my heart and soul. It burns, it scalds my whole being. Even though months have passed my pain is incandescent.
There is nothing I can do about my pain, there is nothing I need to DO about my pain. It is real, it exists and it exists because I dared to love without any reservation or hesitation. I gave all of myself to Edwina as she gave all of herself to me.
I have been running from my pain and my loss. Now I understand I need to look at it and give it my full attention. It will hurt but I must learn to LIVE in that pain. As I write this the full immensity and reality of the loss of my lovely Edwina bursts upon me, smothering me. I shout no, no, no but I cannot deny the pain. To deny my pain is to deny living. I must face my pain, I must embrace my pain, to go into my pain with open eyes and an open heart. I must acknowledge my pain, pray to my God in my pain. My pain will be part of me forever but as my pain softens and expands so there will be room for remembering with love and thankfulness for the life and love we shared for 47 years.
A poem
In my pain of grief I also feel a love that goes beyond this Earth
A love that enfolds me, a love that can never be lost
My beloved has left this world but her soul shines brightly in my hearth
She is with me forever, a love so true that it is irrelevant of the cost
My lovely Edwina, my soulmate, is ever with me, deep in my inner being
I shout out in pain at my loss, it burns with an incandescent pain
Edwina is with me in my soul and her cry of love is ever seeing
That we can never be separated despite the torrent of grief that pours rain
We will meet again through the love of Jesus Christ
Our faith never waivers and our souls rejoice
In the pain and love of His sacrifice
And we will shout of His love with one voice
We will be together again!