Painful February

Today is my 49th birthday, on Monday would have been my husband Alex’s 48th birthday, on the 24th February my husband would have been gone exactly one year! My daughter spoilt me rotten with presents and we spent the day together I have cried on and off throughout the day for what would have been, for what my daughter and I have lost and for the profound sense of sadness I continually carry in my heart. I still cannot properly engage in life I go to work I come home I take small steps this is my life now, I try not to think of him and our past life for fear of falling apart and the future is to unpredictable and scary and so I’m trapped in the present of unending misery. Where ever I look in my house I see memories past I wonder how much more pain I can endure I can’t move forward because I can’t let go, well intentioned people throw useless platitudes at me without really grasping how difficult it is to continue without the person you love the most, thoughtless people tell my their lastest plans with there spouses. And everything hurts, a throw away comment everything even the smallest jibe you would think that people would be more sensitive but human nature is what it is, I suppose. I try so hard to be strong but when your heart is broken it’s hard I try to regain my appetite for life but truly I don’t care enough I stare at my reflection and just see the broken person that used to be Karen I don’t recognise myself, like any woman I always wanted to lose weight “well grief is an amazing diet” except I just look old now and that makes me sad not because I’m aging but who will tell me I’m stunning and beautiful now who will love me regardless of my flaws. After 18 1/2 years being part of a duo I am now alone I can’t really have a social life as I live on the outskirts of life now separate, different from normal people constantly on the verge of tears so how do I continue not just with February but ever after too!

Hello,
AquariusA talking about February it’s the month I met my wife on Valentine’s day 1993, would have been our 24th anniversary but the love of my life passed away on November 29th last year.
Leaving me heartbroken, alone and having to cope without her charm, wit, and her beautiful sense of humour.
Kind loving, always smiling and putting others issues/ problems first, helpful and polite.
She was 49 and I’m 57 our life together lasted 23 years, so I understand how you feel but my pain is still raw and my wounds are still fresh, I have three teenagers to look after also.
Life has become harder, a challenge to get through each day, suffering sleepless nights, losing weight like yourself thanks to grief.
Wondering the streets alone at night just talking to her and sharing my thoughts with her alone, randomly crying out aloud as I pound the tiles.
So i know you and I including others in this club share and manifest our feelings similarly.

Ravinder.

Thank you Ravinder yesturday was hard despite my daughter trying to make it special it’s all so relentless and I hate it so much I have days where I come through it without thought others where I just can’t stop crying I’m so sorry you are in pain too I can’t imagine not feeling this way I suspect my life will now consist of me managing my grief which feels me with dread. xx

I understand exactly where you’re coming from I read your post and was nodding in acknowledgment, my husband’s one year anniversary is coming up on thurs 16th and I just don’t know how to spend it, I feel cheated at 56 my teenage daughters are making their own lives and now should be the time we go back to it being just us and enjoying forthcoming retirement instead I am left to endure life alone, I look around at couples and want to scream at them how lucky they are, I guess the old saying is true you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone, oh if only I could find a time machine and go back to that fateful night maybe I missed something maybe I could have done more all maybe’s, what ifs, that’s all we’re left with, while well meaning friends and family have no real idea of the pain we’re in and come out with what they think are well meaning comments, but for those of us left behind life will never be the same again and there will always be a knoring empty pain in our hearts, thinking of you

Hi AquariusA,
My heart ache for you as I read you post, I can relate so much to what you wrote, it is the most horrendous thing any of us have endured, and this month is especially hard for you, my bad month is going to be December, as my darling hubby passed away Dec 15, then on the 21st its his birthday then another Christmas and New year without him, I had the first last year all within a few weeks of him dying, I actually don’t remember Christmas it passed in a blur of tears and pain.
I get angry when I hear people moaning about their partners, and they don’t understand how much they would be lost without them and to enjoy every moment they are with them. I want to shout is at them but end up just biting my tongue instead, If anyone had said something like that to me I would just think they were interfering.
Please remember you are not going through all this pain on your own, we are here to support you, whether you want to rant, scream and shout or just have a comforting message to tell you want you are feeling is part of the grieving process,
It is silly things they don’t tell you like how forgetful your mind becomes with grief and how clumsy, I am forever banging into things.
I know how you feel about looking old, I notice new lines on my face every day, and like you it hurts that there is no-one there to cuddle me and make me feel attractive even with the lines on my face and tired eyes. Frank and I were together for 32 years and we were each others social life, so I am having to start again building friendships and try and make myself a social life, I have started going swimming with my daughter in law and to a natter and crochet group (I love crafting) and although I am having to force myself to go I find I enjoy both things while I am there.

Tank care

Pandy

Another one wishing you well Aquarius, that first birthday is grim. I had mine within two months of losing Mum and can remember none of it.

Bereavement is certainly the best diet! I look completely haggard now, at least ten years older than I really am. There are no solutions sadly to that but maybe treat yourself to something nice, posh skin care product or some hand cream. I find it very soothing massaging creams into my hands, used to do it for Mum sometimes and she loved it.

Hope your day is better today though suspect not reading your first post.

Mel

Hi Pandy, just read your post and can I start by saying how sorry I am for your recent loss, I lost my soulmate of 21yrs it will be a year on 16th this week and its all past in a blur, like you xmas was a nightmare, families all shopping and the excitement and you just want to hide under the duvet till its all over, I to listen to people and just want to scream “you don’t know how lucky you are” but as I put in another post you don’t realise what you have till its gone. I guess from what you’re saying that you had 32yrs with your hubby that you must be about my age (56), I have been getting more forgetful lately and honestly began to wonder if I am starting to get dementia (I work in a care home) so its constantly in my mind, not the best place to work really at the moment, I didn’t realise that forgetfulness and clumsiness can be brought on by grief and I guess i’m no nearer getting through this process than I was! I too have tried to make a social life but its not easy and you find its hard to make yourself do things, I was told about a group called “jolly dollies” that have groups all over the country they are run by widows for widows and I am in process of registering, also a group called “way up”, thankfully there are people on this site that knew of these groups else would never have found them! Take care I

Hi Gailee,
yes I am 54 so around your age, it is something i though would only happen when I was old, didn’t ever think I would be a widow so young, Frank was only 67, no age really, he didn’t even get his 3 score years and 10.
It is so hard having to rebuild a life, I am using the Meetup App which has lots of different activities from what ever people like doing, from cinema nights, to board games, foodie stuff where all go out for a nice meal and crafting events, it is a good app, but the natter and crochet group is the only one I have ventured to yet. Will look into the jolly dollies, thank you for passing their name on. I have heard others mention way up so will look into that as well.

Thank you Gailee for your comments isn’t it strange that complete strangers can offer comfort as opposed to those closest to you I suppose that really unless you have experienced a loss you have no clue about the pain that comes with it. In my group we discuss what it means to move on but some how at this time I can’t forsee a time when I don’t feel profoundly sad there are many of my husbands possessions that still need to be sorted out and I still can’t seem to engage with the world properly I likened it to when he first died and I felt as though I was in black and white and the rest of the world was in colour that resonates with me still. I exist on a different vibration now I go to work come home and that’s it the waves hit me every so often I cry feel sorry for myself go to sleep emotionally, exhausted and then I am okay again for a while and then the cycle starts again. I try not to think of the what ifs and maybes my head has enough chaos going around in, its baby steps for the time being I suppose for the both of us xx

Hello Ravinder,just to say hope you have an ok day tomorrow as it being the anniversary of the day you first met your wife, mine was on the 7th that I first met john 27 years ago.be kind to yourself. warmest regards skylark.

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