No matter what I do, everyday I’m miserable. I replay that last morning I saw my soulmate before he was setting off on his usual wild camping trip, we were so happy, so In love and we had so many plans for the future…. Not knowing that within days that was all going to be taken away from us. I keep having panic attacks every time I replay that moment in my head or I look too long at our pictures and then I get a horrible overwhelming feeling where my brain just shouts at me telling me he’s not coming back, and Im then crying hysterically and having a panic attack. Does anyone else have panic attacks?
I’m exhausted trying to keep it together, I think people think I’m coping but I’m far from it. Nighttime is the worst, looking over at his side of the bed.
I panic but I wouldn’t say they are panic attacks. Although I did have one moment where I was completely overwhelmed suddenly, I hope trying to sort something at the chemist, for my mu who was staying, and just needed to run and panicked. I have a wave of an awful feeling when I remember he’s not coming home, although that is not as often now.
29 weeks for me today, 7 months on the 29th feels like forever but 29 Sundays doesn’t seem much time at all.
Things do get better though. It’s not all consuming, the raw pain dulls and some normality of life creeps in, all be it a new reality. I’ve also found I’m doing things I wouldn’t have done if he was here. Life goes on for us unfortunately and I’m doing what he hoped I would do, as I know he always hoped the best for me and always tried to give me the best he could.
@Ali29 i know what you mean about the panic. It just suddenly comes over you. I could see it coming to my brother yesterday as his wife is dying. He was getting some feeling of what is coming. We had a good chat about the future for him and what I am feeling. She is incredibly brave. Making the most of every day whilst she feels well and preparing him in practical ways. At the start of every day I don’t know how I will be. I wonder if I will see her again as they received bad news Friday and spent most of it crying together on the bed. Keep going and I am sure the panic must reduce. Xx
She is so positive it is difficult not to have a good day. I did feel guilty that this dying woman was cooking and looking after my brother and myself but I thinks she wants to embrace normal as long as she can.
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s been 25 weeks for me. I am working and I am trying my best to make him proud live my life, not just for me but for him too. It helps so much being on here, however my heart breaks for how many of us there is going through the same horrible thing. The world is a cruel place. Take care. Xx
Oh this breaks my heart. He’s lucky to have you supporting him. I can’t imagine what’s it like watching the love of your life slip away in front of you bit by bit. Keep making the most of the good days and try not to look too far into the future as of yet, take each day at a time… or even every hour! That’s the only way I get through the day. Sending you all lots of love. Xx
Yeh im same looking at his side if bed ! And you know i woke this morning ing at 3am and thought … i need my husband - where is he ? I just wish he was here to put a protective arm around me and tell me everything is gonna be ok xx
I wake up slightly during the night and expect him to be scooping me in across the bed to him… I also sometimes still put my arm over to his side of the bed to cuddle him. It’s so hard isn’t it, I have no words at all that will make you feel better but please keep talking to us on here, I find it helps me a lot. Sending you love. xx
I know … i think not having them in bed anymore is the hardest thing … i just miss that … just him being there 8 months into this and so many rubbish things !! X
It’s so hard isn’t it, I have no words at all that will make you feel better but please keep talking to us on here, I find it helps me a lot. Sending you love. xx
8 months into this and so many rubbish things !! X