My daughter woke at 5, screaming. I dragged myself out of bed, made coffee, showered and dressed her. Made her breakfast, picked at my toast. Then I made her packed lunch, took her to the toilet. Just in time, her bus to the day centre was outside.
After she had left I turned on the IPad - not charging. Swapped cable, swapped socket, still not charging. Plugged it in upstairs and it charges. No idea what that’s about. He was the tech person, I am a dinosaur. When it had charged I had two emails, one said my contact details were changed yesterday. I had not done that so I spent an hour on the phone sorting it out. The other was another mistake, I am still waiting for that one to be resolved. Then the postman came with a letter from the DWP. That one will have to wait until tomorrow because my brain was about to explode.
Last night I decided that I really have to get to grips with the irrational fear of driving. So, one I had calmed down I got into the car and steeled myself. I drove to the local supermarket, used my debit card on the instant pay thingy (another first). I was dreading driving home, but I did it. My mouth was dry, I had butterflies, I had a headache, but I am so relieved that I don’t have to rely on my son every time I need some milk. It’s only 3 miles to the shop and I don’t feel confident to drive into town, but it’s a start. My glasses need mending, I need to visit the phone shop and my daughter has to have a Covid booster. My library books need to be returned. Hopefully I will be able to face these things soon.
The DWP, HMRC, etc. are another matter!
This all sounds pathetic. I used to drive all over the country but have developed irrational fears and anxiety about ridiculous things. I get shaky, breathless and brain fog. He drove, I looked after my daughter, he sorted banking, diy, and technology. I was more than happy to let him. What a mistake that turned out to be.
Well done for braving going out in the car. I remember very clearly how scary it felt the first time I went out alone in mine…to drive to the registrars office to register his death. I’m six months on now and I’ve just driven to the Lake District and back and survived. So sometimes we are stronger than we thought we were.
But I still feel as if my brain will explode with letters from HMRC and DWP!
Thanks Annie, it’s a month for me. Xx
You’re not alone in feeling this way @Willow112
I’m 3 months in and today I feel
as if I could just run away to that remote island …
My car was meant to get its new windscreen fitted today - have been waiting for 5 weeks - so they came this morning instead of this afternoon, and then they realised they had ordered the wrong one.
I now have to wait another 2 weeks and rearrange some plans.
Tax folk have messed up my tax code so my wages are down £800 today . Another lost hour in the phone - They are in no hurry to sort it and are so unhelpful.
Husbands pension company are still sending the wrong details or none at all and my mail has started to go missing. ( we have a new postman and I’m getting my neighbours but no one apparently getting mine ! )
I get panicky now when mail
comes in or emails about my husbands affairs, as there has been a problem in each and every one of them including energy bills, bank accounts, mobile phones… the list is endless.
And my statement today from the bank has the account named as myself and “The late Mr R …”. Have no idea why but I’ll need to sort that too.
I really feel like someone has it in for me up there and dont know how much more I can take.
And I am just feeling so alone and sad today.
Anyway - sorry that’s my rant over.
What I wanted to say really was well done you for facing your fears and getting in the car. Hopefully the more you do it the more confident you will become and soon it will become second nature.
There is an inordinate amount of “sadmin “
to do, along with having to do everything yourself, so just try do one each day - or none if you don’t feel up to it.
It’s exhausting trying to keep up with everything. Xxx
And none of what you say sounds pathetic to me, it sounds totally normal. My specs are broken too but I haven’t screwed myself up to book an opticians appointment. I get tears of frustration at my iPad not charging, the printer not talking to the computer, my mobile phone not doing hands free Bluetooth with my car. I’m trying to keep myself busy tackling the wilderness that has grown up in the garden but I’ve got no stamina. And if I have to mix with people I find I then can’t sleep at night, turning over the things I said/they said and the way they looked when I quietly cried. I don’t recognise this timid, ineffective, fragile person I’ve become. I don’t believe I was a dependent type, I just think it’s a huge shock to the system to suddenly be on your own, responsible for keeping the show on the road but without your backup person.
@roni52 I’m sorry you are having a sad alone day today. I could have virtually written your post myself. It does begin to feel as if someone is just putting the boot in, making life difficult at every turn just when you don’t have the emotional or physical reserves to deal with it.
My bank has been sending post…like a new credit card and PIN… to the village hall instead of my proper address. Same post code but FFS! My car has started showing a warning light that I don’t even know what it means. HMRC won’t answer letters and everything they send me suggests I check on My Personal Tax Account, but their system won’t let me register. And don’t get me started on the incompetence of my husbands pension provider!
Plus I’m still trying to wrap up the loose ends from my Mother’s estate even though she died 15 months ago and it’s all supposed to be handled by her solicitor who specialises in probate matters.
Like you, I resolved to only attempt one infuriating admin task a day. Otherwise I just sat at the computer and wept. I think it is slowly working towards some sort of resolution but I’ve still got a huge list of jobs that need to be faced up to around the house and in the garden.
Escape to that widoworld island with a beach and ready meals and other people who understand why you howl at the sunset is so tempting.
Hugs. Xxx
Hi @Willow112
I totally sympathize with the driving situation. I past my test in lockdown and there were barely any cars on the road. My Andrew taught me to drive, he was bloody patient because it did not come naturally.
I really hated driving and had to plan EVERYTHING it was silly I would avoid certain times of days and routes that I isn’t like. I was a complete dick 
When Andrew was in hospital he was transferred about 45 minutes away. I relied on my sister or my uncle driving my car. One morning my uncle really pissed me off to he point that I was fuming, so I told him not to bother driving (I know he was doing me a favour but he kinda lorded it over me) any way I drove, terrified but I drove. I was totally bricking it but I made it. Andrew was so proud! I had only drove twice on a motorway before that (once without lights, don’t ask) after that I drove there and back every day. After a few days it was a piece of cake, after the initial negotiations in my head and my nervous cough, I developed a “fuck it” attitude. After Andrew died I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let driving get in the way again. Like you he did all the driving I preferred to be a passenger princess (more like a passenger pig 
loved a good snack on a road trip!)
I figure that other road users can see me, so they better watch out take your time and don’t worry about what others do, it is their problem. I’m teaching my son to drive at the moment (that should be Andrew and not me 
) one of the main things I tell him is to just focus on what your doing, if people honk ignore them, if you stall just take your time and be safe. Hope this makes sense 
x
Thanks Katyh,
I was a bit of a spoiled princess /dick. I only had to say that I didn’t like a job and he would do it. No moans, he was just pleased to make my life better. Driving, the computer, finances, putting the sodding bins out, cleaning up cat sick and litter trays. I always intended to learn how to do these things ‘one day’, but time apparently ran out.
I am only just beginning to realise how much he did, and how well he did it.
I do feel better for having driven the car. I didn’t enjoy it but know that I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, especially as I need to look after my daughter.
The daft thing is that I used to be quite capable and organised, now I am just a wreck.
I am so impressed that not only have you taken control of your driving phobia, but are confident enough to teach your son. My poor son has been holding up both me and his sister for the last month. It’s time I grew a pair. X
Yes Andrew also loved the “dirty jobs” haha like pulling the hairs from the plug hole he sounds like your fella, anything to make me happy. He was such a sweetheart 
I don’t like teaching him to drive, it scares the shit out of me. Well it did at first, he’s doing pretty good! I do pay one lesson a week with an instructor. He can do a parallel park better than me cocky sod! I have a big rule that if I shout stop, he literally has to stop and not hesitate 
You sound like you’ve got it in you to “grow a pair” it’s only “us” stopping “us”
Would you consider a couple of refresher lessons, to help you realise what a super pro driver you are? X
Yes, I have had two refresher lessons, that’s the only reason I dared drive today. I have got another one booked. She told me I can drive safely but I am lacking in confidence, drive a little too slowly and too close to the kerb. So many things to concentrate on. It’s ridiculous because I have had a licence since I was 17 and used to drive all over the country. I stopped 15 years ago because he loved driving. It’s a new car, and cars have changed so much recently. Just like online banking and stuff like that. He was an IT instructor at a college, so if something could be done online, he did. To my shame, I was more than happy to sit back and let him get on with it. Self-inflicted stupidity.
Xx
Oh @AnnieMacG - I don’t wish all these extra hardships on anyone but I am kind of relieved it’s not just me.
What is it with having a run of bad luck.
I had been having a really s*** day and was on my own in the house, which is rare, and I just though this is what it will be like going forward when the last of my kids leave.
So I decided to force myself and go have the golf lesson with my friend and then she came back for a cuppa and I cried and she cried and we just agreed that everything was s***
I feel slightly better now having spoken to another person who isn’t my child, and I’m desperately trying to stay up and awake to pick up my daughter at 1230am from her school trip. So I’m doing the ironing.
What a life - ironing at 1130pm as I can’t face watching tv and can’t concentrate to read or do anything much else.
At least it gets one of those endless jobs done you talk about as I also have them. Am even considering going and doing some weeding in the dark - I have a headtorch but then my neighbours might think I’d gone a bit crazy 
Maybe I have…
Sending a big hug and hope for a peaceful night and a better day tomorrow.
Xxx
It’s on here - search for widoworld.
Perfect place for us all to go to. 
You made me laugh, @roni52 , thinking about you weeding in the dark with the headtorch on!
I sometimes go out for a bikeride at 4.30am, or I’ll water the plants in the garden at 5.30am, who gives a monkey’s what the neighbours think? If we can’t act a bit irrationally now, when can we?
Well done with the driving; you’re doing great! I think we all lose confidence when our partners are gone. I’m still scared going out in the car; it’s the thought that if something goes wrong, there’s nobody at home to help, and nobody to tell. John would always come and rescue me, or tell me what to do. It’s so scary being alone now.