Parent Moving on to quickly ?

Looking to the future
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Hi

I lost my dad last October to quick terminal illness. He was diagnosed in September and passed away in the October.

I have two siblings all miss my dad terribly, I personally have had delayed grief and it has come out over the last few months .

My mum has now moved on . Soon after dad passed she started up a friendship with a man from her church who was bereaved last year and they would go out for dinner and meet up possibly twice a week from about December around to January .
She went away for a week with a friend which did her some good and seemed to living life normally until lockdown .

Then lockdown happened and this man went away to stay with his family and their friendship turned into something more .

He was calling more and when he came back she is now around his all the time . He is a lot older and the revelation of their relationship has not been well handled.

My younger sibling guessed and my older sibling was told on the doorstep of her house before our mum turned around and walked of to go home after being at her house one evening . And myself I asked straight out as he was constantly being talked about .

Myself and my older sibling do not feel comfortable with this as we feel it is too soon after our dads passing and also with a big age gap it makes us uncomfortable.
We have said to our mum if she wishes to carry on then please do but respect our wishes to not be involved , not wish to hear about it or have anything to do with him .
I still live at home and find it uncomfortable when he comes to the house to pick her up and calls our house as well .

Mum seemed to respect the boundaries at first but after a conversation at the weekend she announced she was thinking of living with this man in the future .

I asked her to slow down and not rush into anything as the whole thing feels very rushed . She seems to be rushing everything- clearing out our dads clothes and belongings and rushing into this .

She says she has thought it through clearly , but honestly it doesn’t feel like that .

We feel like she has also disrespected And disregarded our grief and is just moving on to quickly .

I personally feel unable to trust in her and not comfortable around her as well due to this development. I can fairly say myself and my siblings have had enough for different reasons and just want the dust to settle now so we can move on .

Are we wrong for feeling this is to soon , rushed and for feeling our grief has been disrespected?

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Hi Dotty, welcome to this forum where none of us wants to be,
I can understand how you are feeling in a way but on the other hand, your mum may be so grief stricken by the loss of your dad, that she is turning to the new man in her life for companionship. I know that you are living at home but it is so different having someone else to talk to, of near the same age, than it is your children, you have said that the new friend is a lot older than your mum maybe this is why she is drawn to him,
I can understand why you find this situation so distasteful you obviously loved your dad very much. May I suggest that you take one day at a time.
Best wishes,
MaryL
.

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Dotty, I’m sorry you lost your Dad.
I faced this situation a few years after my Dad passed. My Mum started a close friendship with a much older man. It was initially a bit weird for me, but I didn’t say anything negative to my Mum.
I quickly decided that I wanted for Mum what I’d probably want for myself, if i was in the same position. Company, happiness and perhaps love.
In my view life is too short not to embrace the day and the good things that can come. It was also up to my Mother how she wished to live her life. Within 24 hours of her telling me about this gentleman, I told her I was glad for her.
My Mum and her friend spent about five years enjoying each other company. They had a lot of fabulous days out. If they hadn’t found each other they would have been dreadfully lonely, sitting in their respective houses by themselves. He had lost a wife to dementia. Life is for living.

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My mum divorced my Dad when I was eight after meeting my stepdad. She had a wonderful relationship with my stepdad and he was devastated when she died suddenly in February after loving each other for 30 years. He hasn’t moved on and we haven’t moved any of my Mum’s stuff out of the house. If I’m honest I’ve always idolised their relationship.
Last week I noticed that he had been texting my neighbours Mum. Just after my Mum died this woman told me she new my stepdad when they were younger. He is a tradesman and went to fix something at her house.
My head has been spinning since. I’m worried that it means my Mum and his relationship wasn’t special. I’m worried he will leave me as I’m not his real daughter and my kids are not his real grandkids. I’m worried because I just want my Mum back.
However, I don’t want him to be sad and alone and he is only 57. I do know he loves me so I am just trying to trust that everything will be ok in our new normal xxx

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Hello,

So sorry about the loss of your dad.

No, you’re not “wrong” to feel the way you are feeling. As others have said, your mother is going through her grief too, and she should have a chance at being happy again, and you are not stopping her. Even though you feel it is too soon, and many others might also feel that, you have not said to your mum she shouldn’t be dating this guy and getting into a relationship with him. Your dad wasn’t just your mother’s husband, he was also you and your siblings’ dad, and I don’t think your mum should be clearing your dad’s clothes and belongings without first consulting with the kids.

Hopefully your mum will show some more consideration in future about your grief and that of her other kids, so that everyone can “move on” from the tragic death of your dad at their own pace.

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Hi Lisa

I am so sorry to hear of your loss .

It’s so difficult for those left behind and the last thing anyone wants is for the remaining parent to be lonely .

I can understand what you mean about being worried about being forgotten and your parents relationship not mattering .

I have found talking to my siblings , friends , family friends and a grief counsellor really helpful and they have reassured me that we haven’t been forgotten and that my parents relationship did matter .

It sounds as though your stepdad loved your mum very much and if you feel able to talk to him about it and bring up happy memories this might help .

I found myself that the situation with my mum and her friend kept playing on my mind and found asking her helped ease the worry around the situation . It’s been difficult to process as we feel it’s to soon but knowing has made it a little easier to cope with .

Do what you feel is right for you , it’s a tricky situation and understandably can be difficult to broach , hopefully having a little more information might ease your worry a little .

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Hi. Dotty and Welcome. A very difficult question, because it’s almost impossible to put ourselves in another’s mind. Your mum may be seeking consolation in her pain. It happens. I am so sorry to hear of such an upset just when you could all do without any more. There is really no right or wrong in all this. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. Your mum may be relieving her pain by rushing around. Being occupied with other thoughts is so often an escape route for many. Try not to be too hard on her.
I do understand how you all feel. She is your mum and you all love her, but judgement is not appropriate. You don’t have to have anything to do with this man if you don’t want to, but try not to cut yourself off altogether from your mum. None of us know what will happen from day to day. Sorry if that has not been very helpful Take care and look after yourself as well as others.
Blessings. John.

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Hello, I am not judging anyone by my standards, my mum hasn’t thrown anything of my dad’s away without first discussing with us, she says he was your dad as well as her husband, and so it isn’t right for her to make these decisions on her own, I agree with her and that is my opinion, you are of course free to have your own opinion.

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Hi Dotty, I know you must be shocked that Mum has met someone else and you feel that she has moved on too quickly. Perhaps the speed of your Dad’s passing has made her revaluate things and see that life is indeed short and that she should grab happiness while she can. Her new friend has lost his wife so understands exactly how your Mum feels and they have that in common. I am sure your Mum does not disregard your grief but she has to think of herself. You will in time make a life for yourself with a husband and family of your own and where does that leave Mum if she is on her own. As someone who has lost their soul mate I know how truly devastating it is to face each day without him so if this man gives your mum something to get up for in the morning then I think it can only be a good thing. You can still mourn your Dad just cut Mum a bit of slack.

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Hi, I did not judge what her mother has done by what my mother has done. She asked for an opinion, and I gave my opinion. If you read my post, I wrote “I think” - that means it is an opinion, and nothing more.

To me grief is all about empathy and understanding, and I don’t think her mother clearing out her dad’s belongings without first consulting with the whole family is empathetic or understanding. This doesn’t mean I am judging her mum as a person, she has her own grief to contend with, it’s just an opinion that it isn’t fair on the kids. You have a different opinion, and I respect that.

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Hi all

Thank you for your comments , it puts a new light on the situation.

I hope not to judge other people’s actions and understand that the grief process is difficult for everybody and can take different forms for different people .

The only thing I would say personally I feel in time I can grow to accept the situation and want my mum to be happy . Just at the moment it feels a little raw due to the way things have been handled .

I would also like my mum to respect that me and my older sibling have expressed our wishes not to be involved for our own reasons .

I feel the relationship will be strained for a while but hopefully as time moves on things will become slightly easier.

Thank you

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Hi,

I am sorry for your loss too, and I have never PM-ed you.

The post was posted by someone who is coping with the loss of a parent.

The OP, who like me, has lost her dad, asked people for their opinion, and I gave her my opinion. I think belongings should not be cleared without the consent of all family members. That’s my opinion, and you are free to disagree. We don’t have to agree, just show some tolerance and respect.

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Hi Dottie, I lost my husband in February, we had only been married 2yrs and together for 12 but he was my soul mate and I know I can never replace him and wouldn’t want to, but I miss the company, the cuddles and the person to lean on when things go wrong in the house. My daughter, son and Bills sons have their partners and have, in my eyes, moved on but I am left alone in my house. The thought of spending another 30yrs on my own horrifies me. Your mum May be scared she will be on her own when you move out and is clutching at this relationship to fill all the holes your Dad has left. It may last or it may not but don’t alienate your mum as she will be hurting so much as are you.
Go with it and just let her clutch at a bit of happiness as life is too short as Daffy said. No one has a book to tell us :frowning:
Shona x

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Hi. Abdullah. Take this in the in the spirit in which it is sent.
If I may say so you do rise to the bait. I agree with you that criticism has no place here. To be honest, I have developed a skin like an elephant over the years. Nothing and absolutely nothing can upset me any more. Some people will always read something into a post that is not there. We have talked about this before. Just ignore any adverse comments and leave it to Admin to sort out. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just how things are with us humans. I have always found your posts good to read, so don’t be put off by adverse comments. Best wishes, John

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Thanks John, you’re correct, if we find adverse comments then we should report it to Sue Ryder instead of arguing, that’s what I now do as arguing here just causes a bad atmosphere for others who are grieving and that’s the last thing any of us wants.

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My sister died in April 2020,her husband joined a, dating site and is out with woman. It’s upsetting for the family. I want nothing to do with him or any new woman in his life. It’s too soon, it’s, disrespecting her.
That’s, my opinion re my brother in law.
He is now my ex brother in law. He’s behaved selfishly and basically cleared out anything to do with my sister. He’s moveing on apparently… Its disgraceful.

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Hi Paula
I agree with you - that is insensitive and does make you wonder what their marriage was like. Or, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it’s like it was when we were young - we went out with someone who dumped us and we immediately went out with someone else on the rebound! He may feel “dumped” in a way.
He may be desperate to find the sort of love he has now lost. Perhaps you could ask him what his motives are. He may be in shock still.
I am playing Devil’s advocate here and probably not helping at all! I mean well though and I really do understand how you must feel.
Either way, don’t let it get to you. It’s probably not worth it. Take care, Ann

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Ohh we’ve told him how we feel but he says, he’s, doing nothing wrong. Technically he’s not. My sister was only just 50 died suddenly unexpectedly of bowel cancer that had gone to her brain. Took 12 weeks from diagnosis to death. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it. Devestated trys but fails, to sum it up. I text him explained I was still struggling with her loss asked him to in future call his, sister… I’m sick of hearing how lonely ect he is how no one understands… I’ve lost my only sister, my parents, there younger daughter. He’s out with woman had one round the home, stayed in a hotel with another. I told him it’s too soon and I don’t approve so I don’t want to talk to him at the moment. I’ve health issues of my own also. I could be looking at a diagnosis of ms. His response was to say he’s sick of my mind games and remove my phone number. Well sod him is, what I say. He’s no longer part of my family. His, daughter has gone to her boyfriends because she’s sick of him, he talks to her over these woman too. The man is thoughtless. His life is apparently going on regardless. I’m so so angry, upset, I feel like screaming how can you think about replacing so quickly if ever someone you claimed to love.
I couldn’t.

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