Hi there. I lost my Dad suddenly and traumatically a little over 3 weeks ago. I have two very young children. I find the fact that they kind of force me to carry on, on the whole quite helpful. But there are times where it feels very intense and I just want to be alone with my grief or with an adult who really understands, but I can’t do that, or if I am able to because someone else is around, I also feel guilty for wanting a break from my children. I also feel like ‘misery Mum’ at the moment, I’m find it hard to be light and silly with the kids like I would usually, sometimes I’d put on music and do silly dances for them in their room and pretend to be animals talking and things and I just can’t muster the energy to do any of it right now. I feel so subdued and I just keep crying. I feel guilty but also feel like I can’t be any other way, this is just how I am right now.
I just wondered if anyone else is parenting young children whilst also coping with bereavement and if you have any tips? Thank you for reading.
I’m not a parent, but my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job 
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Hi @magenta,
Don’t feel guilty, you are entitled to your feelings, loosing a parent is a very big shock, when it happens, & a big change. Our parents are there for so much of our lives, they are our safety net, out support in times of stress & upset, & when they pass, it can feel like the very person we would go to at times like this is gone. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes, I think it’s better to let those emotions out, & I understand needing more adult conversation, you can always find people to talk to on this forum, & some areas also have bereavement groups, maybe check what support is available in your area, but you do what works for you. Sending hugs of support.
Hello @magenta - just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone, even though I know it feels like a lonely place. I also have 2 young children and, like you, my dad died very traumatically and suddenly, at the end of last year. It has been extremely difficult to navigate the grief whilst parenting. Having to put yourself second is so hard at this time.
My advice would be to ask for help, do you have anyone who would take care of your children to give you time out? Walking helps me too, putting the littlest in the pram and the biggest on their bike and going for a walk can provide some thinking time.
Honestly, it’s just really hard, especially when the grief is so new. I have requested Bereavement counselling, hoping that helps.
Sending love at this time and a reminder that even good parents have bad days and it is absolutely okay for you to have those xx
Thank you so much @Pandaprincess . I’ve found a bereavement group that I’m planning to give a go, they only meet once a month so I’ve got a couple more weeks to wait for that. I’m also going to sign up for the Sue Ryder online bereavement counselling but it hasn’t been eight weeks since Dad died yet so I don’t think I’m entitled to it yet.
Hi @RedBambi , thank you so much for writing back to me. I’m so, so sorry that your Dad died suddenly and traumatically at the end of last year. It’s the most enormous, profound, life-changing shock. It really is so hard to grieve while parenting. Even as I write I have my youngest daughter at my side, which is both lovely and tricky, it’s really strange as it’s helpful to have them to make you carry on, but it’s also really hard to have enough energy to give them.
Yes, I think I do need to get a bit more support with childcare, I said yes to people in the first week or so after Dad died but I’ve been trying to ‘get on with it’ this week and it hasn’t really been working. Walking is a good shout too, it’s being stuck in the house with all the intensity of their demands when I have so little energy.
Did you request bereavement counselling via your work? My GP surgery have been useless, they just texted me a link to Cruse but the waiting list is so long in my area that they won’t even put me on the waiting list.
Thank you so much for your kind words xxx
I know how you feel. I lost my dad in September and have 3 young children. Everyone has advised me ‘the children will help’ but I keep thinking I just want a break from them to feel all of my emotions. I have cried everyday since September but I try not to in front of the children. But I do try to talk to them about it also.
It’s so hard to carry on with everyday life isn’t it?? The only thing that is making me carry on is the thought of my dad.
The children do help us carry on I just hope it gets easier.
I couldn’t agree more, it’s so difficult to carry on with everyday life. And yes, I also feel this conflicted state where, yes the children help in some ways, but in other ways, as you say, I just want some quiet time to myself to cry and feel how I feel. I do cry in front of my kids, I can’t really stop myself, but I’m also talking to them about it and trying to explain everything.
I too am trying to think of how my Dad would want me to carry on, and just seizing on the moments when I do feel more able to be present and connect with the kids. I’m taking them for a nice outing tomorrow and so I feel glad that we have a plan for the day, being stuck at home with lots of demands for being entertained is too much at the moment.
Big solidarity to you looking after 3 littles ones at this time - you’re doing an amazing job, being a parent is the hardest job in the world, add grief into the mix and it’s heroic just to get through each day x
Thank you I feel like I am a bit more normal when others are going through the same thing. Grief is so scary and lonely I find I don’t want to speak about it to family as they have enough to deal with and I don’t want to be a burden on them.
So nice to have this group and I hope I help too I am just waiting for the day when I don’t cry but I don’t ever think I will be myself again. Hugs and hope to everyone.
Hi, I see you. I have a 5 year old who has ploughed on regardless after the loss of my Mum, my best friend, just before Christmas. His sheer enthusiasm for life has got me through really whilst also being testing at times where I have needed the space to be sad and the time for my own thoughts. My 10 year old has been seemingly ok but just admitted yesterday that she doesn’t talk about her beloved Nana as she hates to see me upset, whilst my teenager has just started counselling at school as he is as devastated at my Mum’s loss as me. It is just so hard isn’t it!
I wish I had some tips for you but all I can say is well done for everything that you have done so far, it’s really not easy, especially when they are young. I hope you manage to allow yourself to smile tomorrow and have a good day out. We will find ourselves again, I hope x
Hi there, you are not alone, i lost my mom just over 3 weeks ago and she was living here with us and i had to tell my 4yr old (almost 2yr old wouldnt understand) and he was absolutely devastated. He asks about her, calls all his teddies nanny and says he dreams of her which is so lovely but it breaks my heart hearing it, i feel the same, im doing the things that HAVE to be done i.e school/nursery, meals, baths etc but everything else feels sooo hard to do. I just keep reminding myself that although it feels a bit doom and gloomy and its not the usual playing, they are loved, safe, fed and cared for and this is just a small part that they wont even probably remember. Be kind to yourself sweet, everything is still so raw xx here if you need to chat x
You’re so right, they are having their needs met, and that’s the most important thing. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your two. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum, and so hard to manage the grief of your 4 year old amidst your own, it is so hard to hold other people’s pain at the moment. My 3 year old is talking a lot about it, I don’t want to shut her down, but it’s also very difficult at times. Thank you for replying, big hug and likewise here if you want to talk xxx