Hi,
I have posted before about my Mum dying suddenly last Feb. She was fit and healthy and only 64. I’m devastated to lose my best friend and the person who guided me through life.
My mum and Dad divorced when I was 8/9 and she married my stepdad. We built a family; my mum, stepdad, my sister and me. My Dad was always around but he remarried and had another child. They were a family unit and my sister and I started to feel like the uncomfortable and not really part of my family. My Mum and stepdad would get annoyed at them not including us. This made our family unit stronger.
My Mum and step dad always had a fantastic relationship. He was 8 years younger so only 56 when she died.
He is a plumber and shortly after he went to fix my next door neighbour’s Mum’s shower (I would class my neighbour as a friend and during lockdown she was the only person I spoke to when we were both in our gardens, we both have young kids).
My stepdad and my friends Mum formed a friendship. In the previous lockdown my stepdad was in my social bubble. This time he said we can’t see each other because the covid numbers are too high. From conversations he has formed a bubble with his new friend (obviously more than friends but he hasn’t put any other label on it).
Just before this lockdown, at Christmas, I went for a walk with the kids. He drove down the road with my neighbours Mum to drop her off to see her Grandchildren. They had all the Christmas presents for the other children in the back of what was my Mum’s car. He said he didn’t think I would see him but I was leaving just as he arrived (it is the house next to mine so I don’t know how I wouldn’t see him/them). Obviously this hurt but I smiled and had a conversation.
However, I haven’t seen him since this new lockdown. But I found out that my stepdad and his friend picked my neighbour up from work. I understand I can’t see him at the moment but he has chosen to see this other woman (which I do understand) and now has even chosen to see her family. I am obviously at the bottom of people he would want to see.
Rather than letting it fester I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel. I said I want him to be happy and I do like his new “friend” but I feel that I am being left behind. I haven’t heard from him since. I now feel like I have a new grief, firstly the loss of my Mum but now also the realisation that the man who had been my father figure doesn’t really feel the same now my Mum isn’t part of the equation. My kids love him as there grandfather and I am devastated all over again 
Dear Lisa2,
What a sad situation for you and your children. I really cannot understand why your stepdad would act in this way, especially as you have reached out to him with your letter.
I so hope that he will have a change of heart and realise how hurtful this is for you and how confusing it must be for your children who have already lost their grandma and now no longer see their grandpa.
I can understand that he cannot be in two bubbles, but he could still have regular contact with you and your children in other ways. Maybe he feels guilty about having a new woman in his life and thinks you may not approve of it?
Are you still talking to your neighbour who you considered to be a friend? This must be an awkward situation for her too. And what about your sister? Has she had the same treatment from your stepdad? Maybe together you can work out a plan on how to solve this situation? Would your neighbour be able and willing to talk about it with her mum and tell her how you feel, but most of all, how important it is for you to have him in your life and for him o be there for your children?
I have never been in a situation like this, but there may be others on this site who have and who hopefully will also respond to your post.
Jo
Thank you for your reply. I have spoken to him on the phone and he came to my house for Christmas dinner. He only ever cried when he is with me and the kids!
I guess it’s not been that long but it hurts to know he would rather have other people in his social bubble. But I had excepted that it may be better for him to have her than me and the kids.
But to realise he also picked up her daughter (my next door neighbour) from work.
I talk to my next door neighbour when I see her and we message a lot about the kids and stuff. We have talked about her mum and my stepdad but I said I was happy that he could find happiness.
My sister has Aspergers and mental health issues that means she hasn’t worked in years. She got really upset with him last week because he said they couldn’t go for a walk. She got very angry at him. I phoned and said I understand about covid and lockdown but my sister is vulnerable and has lost her support person since Mum died. He said he just meant they had to be careful as she doesn’t understand the magnitude of the situation. He phoned her back and they met up on Wednesday.
Up until recently he has been there, so I don’t think the kids have noticed, plus they haven’t seen their other grandparents due to them being vulnerable.
I reread my letter several times to check it conveyed my feelings and that I wanted him to be happy.Xxx