Thank you and take care
Same thing happened had arranged to meet a friend after docs appointment sat for a hour she didn’t turn up tried to phone but didn’t answer later on in the day she phoned and said she was busy lv annie x
Morning hope you are all finding strength to get through the day what has our lives come to feeling the need to read sad messages all in pain I feel it’s only place I can write down how day is going if it was not for this day last year I would still have hope that my live my life would recovery and be home with me now but big mistake was made in hospital last time I spoke to him had visit for next few weeks but damage had been done as he never woke up today I just go over it horrific he deserved better miss him so much as you all do take care all we was lucky I guess to have found our soul mate but taken too soon xx
2 Likes
Rose
I am so sorry for your loss
We were also victims of a hospital mistake. I know exactly how you are feeling. Like you said they both deserved better
I went to see a psychic last week
I have never been to one before and I can’t make up my mind about it. Some things seemed amazingly correct, others not.
I have this constant desire to want to phone him, I hope that I will be together with him soon, its unbearable without him, but the psychic said I would live a long life. I wish I could give it to someone that wants it. Am I bad saying that? I’m sorry
Carole
Oh Carol I’m sorry you are going through the same I felt the same as you wish I could be with him my son tells me he could not deal with both parents gone I am plodding on
Some people get a lot of comfort from going to they say they get to speak to their love one I have not been
Thanks for speaking on hear we are in this journey together how long we have to stay I don’t want to think about it take care xx
Thank you for your reply Rose. I’m having a bad day today. My daughter says the same as your son, so I feel I can’t put her through it again.
I didn’t get to talk to Peter, she just said some things that I believe only he and I knew.
I tried to do some gardening today
as it used to be hobby but it’s horrid only growing veg for one
Do you think they can see us crying or if we look scruffy? It is really kind of you to listen to me feeling sorry for myself when you are suffering in the same way. I hope you are having a better day today
Sending you prayers and gentle hugs
Carole
1 Like
Morning Carol sorry did not see your text till now sorry you had a dad day guess we have more of them than good ones
It is so hard my husband did most gardening I never mowed the lawn it was a standing joke he loved doing it now I have to as I I think it would upset him if he saw that I let the garden go I would like to think that they are watching us but wish he could guide me a bit I feel lost I likes gardening but it upsets me doing it on my own it’s so hard and lonely it’s it as you say what point growing beg for one I don’t even like cooking now hate eating alone I dug the beg patch the weekend planted some potatoes thought I can give them away I guess
I hope you have a better day some how today I will try and go for walk and keep busy sending you a hug and we all need to message on here how we feel we all need each other as we all going through this grief take care xxx
2 Likes
Yes, take it one day at a time that’s what I try to do xx
Dear Julie, I lost my Ian too a few months ago and everything you have written I completely identify with. I think this is the true benefit of this site - you realise that you are not alone in the pain and heartbreak that goes with losing your other half. It doesn’t take away the loss or pain that you feel but it is comforting to know there are people out there who really do understand what you are going through, because they have also walked this sad and lonely path. If I can think of one positive it is that I myself have become far more empathetic and caring towards anyone experiencing loss and hope that in some small way I can put this to good use. God bless xx
3 Likes
The firsts are hard but I found the build up is worse than the actual day but everyone is different & just do what you feel.
I went to my first family event without my husband it was my cousins wedding vows renewal, same age as me 58. It was a humanist celebration, it was beautiful & one of the readings was about love being reaching out for your partner’s hand & always knowing it will be there. Well I let out a sob, luckily I was with my sister & she grabbed my hand. I don’t think it was a loud sob but I had tears streaming down my face.
It’s over 2 years since my husband passed away & I knew this would be hard but not as hard as it was. Everyone else were couples so I felt so alone without my Derek. I’ve come crashing down on the days since because it’s hard trying to be happy & smiley for a whole weekend & not show how much you’re breaking inside.
Sending love & strength, tomorrow is another day 
Xx
4 Likes
Hi Joel
Hike you are picking back up after your family event it must have been so hard it’s coming up to a year next in few weeks and it is so hard as you know I could not imagine going through a family event with out my husband guess it will happen some time
Sending you hug take care xx
2 Likes
Sorry Jodel
2 Likes
Hiya rose it’s so hard I miss my john so much but can’t bring him back my life is so different supposed to meet a friend later but can’t lv annie x x
2 Likes
Dear Jodel172,
How I identify with you about being happy and smiley on the outside in order to make other people feel better.
Whatever the pain inside, the bright response to, “How are you?” is always, “Fine, thank you. How are you?”, This applies especially at some important social event and takes an enormous amount of emotional energy to sustain.
Having made a great deal of progress, working through my grief and coping with all the practical issues, I felt strong enough to attend a family gathering arranged by my sister-in-law. She said it was to pay tribute to my husband (her brother) as we had been prevented by COVID from doing this earlier.
It was a pleasant afternoon in lovely surroundings and although I struggle to be with more than a couple of people at a time, I was congratulating myself on not only socialising but also enjoying the afternoon and feeling that I was taking another step forward.
My sister-in-law ruined what could have been a really healing event by attacking me without provocation when I found her alone and thanked her for organising the gathering and for her tribute to my husband. I was taken aback to be accused of wallowing in self pity, having a closed mind, making a martyr of myself and throwing back help in people’s faces, among other things. I just told her I couldn’t have this conversation and moved away from her into another room to compose myself before encountering other members of her family.
This set me back so badly and stayed with me for over a week after the event. She later emailed me to say she was sorry IF I had been offended or upset by what she had said but not for saying it because, “…it had to be said”. This was such a staggering statement as she has hardly spoken a word to me since my husband’s death and only then to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. She hasn’t the faintest idea how I get from day to day, whether or not I sleep or eat and has certainly never offered any kind of help and hasn’t a notion as to who might have done and how I have responded.
This was extreme but I have heard that other people have also come under similar attack and have recounted my experience in some detail just to come alongside anyone else who has been on the receiving end of ignorant and hurtful remarks.
Please try to see the problem as theirs, not yours. Perhaps they want to say something but they are not very articulate and say the wrong things. Perhaps they are trying to imagine what it must be like for you and how they would feel but they are less imaginative than they think.
You are dealing with your situation the best way you can and it is not for anyone else to tell you how to do it or how long it should take. Only someone who has walked in your shoes can come close to understanding and even then, different temperaments deal with situations in different ways. It isn’t a race and points are not given for style. We are surviving and trying to find a way in a world we no longer recognise.
The lives we knew are over for some of us. Perhaps there are those with families or work or independence who are coping better. For me there is no-one. I cannot drive and there are no facilities in my village. Paid help is hard to come by and my few friends still left alive are less able than I am.
If anyone is still with me, thank you for your support.
God bless.
6 Likes
Thank you for sharing this. Nearly six months since my husbands death and some people have ignored me completely. The worse was my dad telling me off for being sad when I visited and disappointing my mum who had been looking forward to my visit. This was only three months after the death of my husband. My dad said I should be ‘better’ by now. He made me cry again on the phone this week. He had offered me money to help over this difficult time and when I said that it would be really helpful he changed his mind and refused which is confusing to say the least. I really think that as a society we are not able to cope with death and bereavement. People seem to offer help in the expectation that it will be refused. The best help I have found so far is reading other people’s experiences on here as it lets me know that I am not alone or going mad.
6 Likes
Oh Sharon I’m sorry that you are getting treated badly by family they do not have a clue how to treat us I have had similar experience with family I would always have thought that they would be there for me but no they do not even text now we was close friends expect you to be better by now I will not be better how can we just plod on we can not make this better for each other but knowing that we care and understand helps and feel we can just write what ever we are feeling
Thinking of you all hope you can think of one thing to make you smile I try xxx
5 Likes
Thank you to everyone who has replied directly or indirectly to my initial post. There are so many of us on here that feel the same and that sense of sadness, loss and devastation is just overwhelming.
Knowing there are so many of us on here who feel the same does help in a strange way but how I wish that this site wasn’t necessary.
I’m not religious so can find no rhyme or reason for what has happened or what the future may hold.
Julie x
3 Likes
I remember answering my sister when she told me to get a skip for hubby’s things, ,
“Your husband chose to leave you and took his things with him” , but mine didn’t and when he passed part of me went too.
I know I’m a different person now without him , I probably come across as rude but can’t be bothered with the trivia that people find important in their little self centered lives.
- I’ve had to put my big girls pants on and get on with things the best I can.
Hope I’m doing hubby proud
Take care everyone. Xx
5 Likes
I’m having a bad day today, I’m just full of tears.
My husband Doug died in 2020 and ever since I feel like I’m sitting in the bomb-crater that used to be our life. We were so close, for 20 years. And I do know how lucky we were but, at the same time its difficult to appreciate on my own.
Something Doug said only weeks before he died has become really poignant - he said:
“I always enjoyed my own space before (we met) but I can’t do ‘alone time’ anymore. Because I can’t settle if you’re not here, I’m just waiting for you to get home. It’s crazy how even being alone is something we do together”
What you have all said about when you realise they’re not coming home strikes such a chord in me
I didn’t see Doug’s body (Covid kind of made the decision for me) and I wondered if that’s why I took so long to realise he wasn’t coming back. He died suddenly- I was working at the laptop, he kissed the top of my head, told me he was popping out quickly, that he loved me (same as usual) and then he just didn’t come home. My phone calls went unanswered and then, hours later, around 3am, 2 policemen came into our home and told me he was dead.
For the longest time a big part of me expected him to come back with some wild explanation for his absence because to be honest that seemed no more unbelievable than the idea of him never ever coming home again. I spent so long listening to hear his key in the door. I made increasingly desperate deals with God or whoever. Bargaining, offering more and more for less and less (to have him back, then just for a day, then just for an hour… then to just hear his voice… ) i wasnt ever shocked by what I was willing to give to make this happen. The shock came when i realised that it didn’t matter what I promised. There was no deal to be struck. There was absolutely nothing that I could do to bring him back.
This was weeks after Doug died. I’d already had to phone his Dad and listened as his heart broke. I’d stood at his grave and watched our son lower his coffin into the ground. But, when it came, that awful understanding nearly brought me to my knees.
I went from listening for him coming home to knowing he wasnt going to. And it felt like it re-set my grief to the start.
Thank you for sharing, listening and understanding. Lxo
4 Likes
All that you have said is part of this awful journey.
I didn’t visit my hubby at the funeral home but months later I wished that I had.
I went thru a phase of thinking whatever
I’d said or done - I’m sorry & I won’t do it again - please just come home - I’ve learned my lesson.
I still look out the window and expect to see him walking back up the street.
Don’t expect too much from yourself, you have nothing to prove - it’s still early days. Do what feels right for you.
Take care. X
2 Likes