Dear Alston56,
It’s a while since we heard from you so it’s good to welcome you back.
It is encouraging in a way to know that you, Debbie, Sharon, Broken, Grandma and I are making exactly the same choices. In fact, it’s good that we are making choices at all and I, for one, should hang onto that thought at a time when it seems I have no control over my life. Things keep happening to me instead, as used to be the case, I made things happen.
We have all made the decision to keep, what to anyone else, are meaningless scraps of paper. That 2020 calendar is such a precious legacy. My husband got into the habit of using the kitchen calendar as his personal diary, noting down his training distances and times as well as comments about the wildlife he’d seen, the weather or when the first snowdrops appeared in the garden.
He was athletic, fit and healthy and the calendar is a reminder of that. It is also, shockingly a reminder of the day he was suddenly no longer here. Rather like the old grandfather clock of legend, which stopped ticking when its owner died, that calendar abruptly stops being the living record of an energetic force.
Coming onto this site has given me more than just a place to put my grief into words, it has introduced me to all of you, dear people, facing the same challenges, not the least that of being misunderstood by the rest of the world, even those closest to us.
I have been misunderstood by experts wanting to prescribe antidepressants because they think my condition is abnormal. With great difficulty and utmost patience I have made a G.P. and two consultant psychiatrists understand that what I am experiencing is NOT clinical depression for which no material cause can be found and therefore treatable with chemicals, BUT a perfectly normal response to a calamitous injury, ie. bereavement. It is called GRIEF and my heart is in mourning.
You’d think a psychiatrist would have had some training in this. Well, these two now have, from me. They now say they understand the difference between the two states. Of course, it is possible for clinical depression to be present too and for some people medication could have wonderful benefits. I shall know when/if that time comes for me but it isn’t yet. My husband used to say, “If all you have is a hammer, you treat everything as a nail” and I think this is true of medicine. G.P.s, faced with emotional conditions, see them as mental and reach for the prescription pad.
Here we all are, in this dark tunnel. We don’t need a sleeping bag so that we can snuggle down and take root. We need a glimpse of light ahead, encouraging voices, calling us on and, above all, the understanding that we are not going mad, not exhibiting abnormal behaviour but responding in the only ways we can to deep shock. We have suffered a terrible injury, which needs to heal from the inside out, slowly and cleanly. It takes whatever time it needs. It can’t be rushed and stages cannot be skipped.
We have talked about clothes and scraps of paper, leaving things in place, hating the loneliness and yet having difficulty in company. Whatever else we feel is valid. It is authentic and we are allowed to feel it. Here, we are understood and we can come for refuge from the hurtful comments and baffled expressions of those who would help if they knew how.
We don’t want to be here but thank you for calling out to me in this dark tunnel. We may not feel it but I have faith that we can trust it to have an end. I am nowhere near it but a little way on from some of you and have glimpses of hope and calm, It isn’t a race and there are times when I come to a halt but that’s fine because in those times, you are catching me up so that we can go on together.
Dear Alston56, don’t give up. Find your courage to live the life denied to your beloved. Let it be her legacy. For my part I try to think of the pain as a gift to my husband and try to suffer it gladly as a sort of offering. I’m not saying I always succeed but I do try.
God bless us all.
Oh prof,
You words are wonderful - I’ve read your post three times this morning - it’s only 10.30.
Like me, I’m sure there are many many on here who would love a regular “session” with you - you put into words what we want to say and
feel. You are an inspiration & a voice of reason.
It’s up to the individual I think to know when it’s time to find our feet again and manoeuvre thru the tunnel we just need understanding.
I raise my coffee mug to you this morning in way of saying thanks. 
G. Xx
Bless you, Grandma, for your kind and encouraging words.
I feel far from the voice of reason at the moment. I love the Queen and have raised the flag because my husband never failed to raise and lower it every day, from the Queens birthday in April, through to St. Andrew’s Day in November, by which time it was a bit tatty. However, the constant jubilation is really getting me down and throwing my solitary confinement into stark contrast. The day before my dear one was taken to hospital and where he caught COVID, he said, “When all this is over, we are going to have one of our proper garden parties.” What a party it would have been, with most of the village and friends travelling from far afield.
Being alone means I have watched a lot of television but the tears spring every time someone says, (and they seem to do it every five minutes) “We have all been through a lot and now we are back to normal, we want to celebrate.” There has never been a time like this when the world stood still for everyone but then, when it started again, some of us had fallen off.
This feeling of not fitting in has me in despair at times and I, like you, Alston, want it to end. My faith doesn’t allow that and in any case, I have realised something. I’m looking forward to being with my soulmate again but I don’t want to die in this dark tunnel. I know there is light and want to reach it. When I do, I’ll let you all know . Please will you do that too if you get there first just to encourage us when it all seems too much?
God bless.
I’m not a great fan of the royals but respect the queen and her unfailing duty.
While she is living with her grief too, she hasn’t had to deal with the daily grind like her subjects.
Heating or eating - it won’t be on her agenda - neither grappling to understand the paperwork, broken boiler etc. etc.
She has deserved her (lengthy) celebrations & will be surrounded by her family this weekend.
What an anti climax come Monday -
I’m sure she would like to pass peacefully in her sleep thinking of Philip.
Thinking of you all.
G. Xx
Hope I’ve not offended anyone - not my intention 
G. X
I think we all understand, Grandma.
Our daily battle to cope alone with all that two used to do, compounds our grief. We have not just lost our soulmates but, quite literally, our accustomed way of life.
I don’t envy the Queen but do think our challenge is harder in many ways. As you say, Grandma, when the boiler gives trouble, not only do we know about it but we have to see to it - alone. I have no family or friends nearby so live a very isolated life but in my heart, I wouldn’t swap places with the Queen. I had my own dear love for 60 years and this is a price worth paying.
God bless.
My get up & go has got up & gone - I’m going to force myself out today - shades on & please don’t anyone speak to me thankyou.
Then back to my place of safety.
G. X
Oh Prof, I am lost for words. You have such a wonderful way with words, you are able to explain this torment we’re all going through so explicitly, so truthfully, nobody could say it better. It’s true, I also feel like I have an injury or an illness that has no cure, eating me up inside, I know the cause, there are the signs, the symptoms but alas, there is no cure. Sure, we can take the occasional anxiety pill every now and then just to get a decent night’s sleep, to stop feeling like a ‘zombie’, but this tunnel we’re traveling through has stone walls, can’t be broken into to release us. Like you say, we have to hope that it really is a tunnel and not a cave. I I have also kept scraps of paper my husband had written on, everything is still here, I found an old squashed up empty cigarette packet in the firewood basket while I was cleaning out the fireplace, just didn’t have the heart to throw it away,it’s going to remain there. Am I mad? I realise I’m not because thanks to all you great people here who are unfortunately suffering
and trying to go on as best they can, these are just some of the many daily gestures that we all do, to try and hold on to our beloved soulmates, because we will never let go of them. I just can’t bring myself to sell his car, it would be like letting him go even more.
I also hate it when on TV they talk about this summer, which will be the first ‘normal’ and free summer in two years. Life is back to normal… What? Nothing will ever be normal again. I feel like I have had a ‘double’ loss, my husband and myself,because we were ‘one’.
I understand you Grandma, about seeing continuous celebrations for the Queen’s platinum, I can imagine how sad it must be to watch all this, feeling like we all are at the moment. Even though I’ve been living here in Italy for nearly thirty years, I was actually born and brought up in London, worked there for a few years too, I didn’t have any particular interest in the royal family, nothing against them either, but I do think it’s extraordinary how she has reached seventy years of sovereignty.
Wishing you all peace and comfort.
Dear Alston
We started this unwanted journey - or at least found this forum - around the same time. I read your post and cried, smiled and cried. I have all my husband’s clothes still in the place that he left them and have no intention of getting rid despite our son’s insistence. My husband did not have alot of clothes so it won’t take family long to sort through them. Instead I have started to go through my own wardrobes and get rid of clothes - there will be no more holidays, parties so those items have already gone.
I found some notes written by my husband in the early months following his death. They are now precious items. They will mean nothing to anyone else who reads them, they are just scribbles he made for various things but they are part of him that will be treasured by me until I am reunited.
Take care. xxx
I’m the same about keeping my husband’s things and sorry I allowed other people to get rid of so much while I was still in first shock and not making rational decisions.
I’m back in the black hole as his anniversary and my Father’s birthday have had to be suffered while country celebrated.
I’m sick of hearing how wonderful it is to be back to normal.
Perhaps for those with families or is easier but for me, now that the world really does seem to have started turning again with people partying, planning holidays and resuming former pursuits, I am more isolated than I was during lockdown and have never known such loneliness in my life. For me, life is days on end without seeing a soul, not even through a window. Alone, I struggle to accomplish all that we two did together. I search on line for and pay people to do the things I can’t, knowing that sometimes I’m taken for a ride.
Now, at last, the day is over and I pray for the relief of sleep, doc myself and for all of you.
God bless.
Thank you for sharing. This gives me hope that one day things will be better and I will experience a closeness to husband once more.
It was my daughters wedding on Saturday I know how you feel. I missed his hand.
Thank you for telling us about your daughter’s wedding. We understand that feeling of longing inside you as you kept up appearances throughout a long day. I hope it was a day with happiness in it for both you and your daughter, despite the inevitable, " … if only …"
God bless.
Thank you it was a lovely day and my new daughter in law held my hand behind my daughters back when we were getting a group photograph taken. I had to ask the photographer for a minute to get my smile back on my face. I had to try and stop thinking of my husband but I could not not think of him so was holding. back the tears. I have cried every day since.
Be proud of yourself - I’m proud of you.
You have got thru it and I’m sure you felt his presence.
G. X
Hi Jane10
Your post stood out to me as I was with my husband for 41 years too. He passed away suddenly 9 months ago, after a bad fall at the beginning of the last Lockdown whereby he did not receive the proper treatment that he required. He had worked all his life, and was due to retire in November. The unfairness of it all is unbelievable. You work, and then just when you are ready to reap the rewards of your work, it is snatched away from you. I sometimes wonder what it is all for? My emotions jump from anger/sadness/sorrow/ and like you, feeling totally overwhelmed that he is no longer with me. The grief I feel is like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself over and over again. I try and distract myself by catching up with friends etc but there is always this underlying sadness just under the surface that nobody else can see.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that like many people on here, I know exactly how you are feeling. Thank you for listening and sharing how you are feeling…
Hi Katiemarylucy1
I am so sorry for your sudden loss just needed to message you as I list my husband so suddenly also 13 months ago we was married 45 yrs like you a long time and coming to rearms with out them with us is just horrific and knowing that if they had been cared for properly we would still have them here I am finding it harder like you we was looking forward to retirement was getting our pension five months after he was taken so like you say they worked all those years now we are let alone struggling and worried sick how I can financially manage to keep house on one pension it’s so cruel I feel your pain don’t know how I have got this far with out him my family say I have to it’s such a painful journey we find ourself on
Thinking of you and all on here take care xx
Hi Rose45…
Thank you for replying to my email. I think I have alot of suppressed anger about what happened to my husband. I find myself loathing that word ‘Lockdown’, because it was Lockdown that took my husbands life too soon. How can a GP possibly assess and diagnose over a telephone?..Looking back now I cant make sense of it all, so now I try and take each hour as it comes, not even each day, because your emotions can change so drastically within the space of an hour. Time means nothing to me now. I have friends who are still embroiled in their jobs (as we both were), and I want to tell them to step back, and appreciate everything you have in life, because you dont know when it is going to be swept away from you. How clearly I see things now when it is too late. Another one of lifes cruel tricks eh?..why do we become older and wiser? What is it all for?
Will finish here, as I dont want to depress you any further, especially as you took the time to write to me…it does help to write things down, but I am mindful of making others feel even sadder!
Take care…and look after yourself xx
Dear Katiemaryluc,
Write down your feelings. Tell us about them. That’s what we are here for - for one another, in a place where we can be honest and understood.
I certainly share your anger, as my fit, strong, healthy husband acquired COVID in hospital, through negligence. Incompetence and negligence caused his death.
Yesterday was the anniversary of his funeral but not a soul remembered. It couldn’t even be a proper funeral, which is such an important part of the grieving process. For me, without family, suddenly to be totally alone after 60 years, was (is) a shocking injury with a wound I think will never heal.
You are so right when you want to tell people to appreciate what they have. It is gone in an instant and our unbelief is absolute. Acceptance is necessary to our progress but no-one can tell me how acceptance comes about. It is not so simple as people think, as though all we have to do is decide to stop longing for what is past.
I think I’m too old to look forward to the future. I hate the present with all its sorrow, many problems and fear. My only refuge is the past, where I was loved and cherished.
For my part, I am not saddened more by your words or by any of the outpourings on this site. It helps me, knowing that I am not responding abnormally to my bereavement. The medics try to tell us that we are mentally ill, depressed and need medication. We are not. We are grieving and it is a normal response to a loss such as ours and only understood by others who share it.
Sometimes, the words of others can help me to process my own feelings. To see feelings expressed differently from the way I verbalize them to myself, can give me a better grip on such emotions.
Thank you all for sharing. It is a dark time for me just now and hearing your voices, as we all travel in the same direction, towards the light at the end, is helping to sustain me.
God bless us all.
I agree with what you say sorry that no one remembered the funeral anniversary they do move one with there lives it does hurt reading messages from you does help and this is the only place I can say how I am feeling
We all in this sad place can get strength from each other
Hope you all
Sleep xxx