Partner loss

My partner/best friend died eight weeks ago of an aortic dissection.
We had been together on and off for 42 years and he was eight years older than me. I am in my early 60’s.
Initially it was hard to believe how quickly one could die of something unsuspected.
But going through paperwork afterwords I found a letter from 2004 telling him he was at risk and asking him to have it measured every six months so they could operate when it was big enough.

He never went.
He never mentioned it.

My female bf was about to go to India for a month so wasnt around and couldn’t come to the funeral.
She said she’d ring while away and also the moment she got back.

Yesterday I realised she must be back!! And I hadn’t heard.
I texted her and got:

Yes!! I’ve been back a week now! What with a house guest, one of the kids visiting and all the laundry to do I’ve been sooooo busy!
I thought of you and bet the funeral was tough. RIP David​:yellow_heart::sleepy:.
I spoke to M ( another friend) on the phone tonight and we agreed that five years ago we’d never realised life could be this hard!
Anita x

Am I wrong in thinking this is absolutely INSULTING? D was also a friend of hers.
Am I being hyper sensitive?
When her mother died I gave her lots and lots of support - we have been friends for over 35 years.

I texted back;
Hi, ‘Tough’ isn’t the word.
I feel very hurt you didn’t contact me until I texted you.

I havent heard back.

I am prepared for you to tell me I am overreacting.
I am so ANGRY all the time!
The silly man didnt make a will so now all books, photos, pensions, house, cars will go to a cousin he only met twice in real life.

And then I stop being angry and just cry.
I stayed in bed all day and ate cheesecake.
What is happening to me?
How do I start to claw back?
Or can you actually go mad with all this?
Thank you for reading.


Omg I am so sorry that you are going through all of this…I wonder why you are so angry and with your grief as well and having to deal with losing your partner. You are most probably still in shock and numb, I was for the first year when I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. Through this grief I have sadly lost friends but also have made new friends. Losing a parent is completely different than losing a partner so I guess that your friend doesn’t realise and understands what you are going through and especially not seeing how you are as she went away. She might think you are ok. Losing a partner is just so devastating and painful…one of the hardest losses we have to go through.
Regarding the will can you speak to your husband cousin or family member as seems very unfair that he is receiving everything. Why would he want the photos for goodness sake. Hopefully he will show some compassion. Maybe seek legal advice or write him a letter.
Since I have lost my husband I have been comfort eating and why shouldn’t you. I do hope that you have got some support. Take one hour at a time…baby steps…Take care and big hugs Xx

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Thank you so much for replying x
We were not married, therefore I have no legal status or rights.
The cousin is a ‘she’ and I have never met her. He only met her a couple of times. She is not amenable to anything.
I never thought at my age that I’d be left with so little.
But its not so much the money: it’s the terrible loneliness. And people saying they’ll call you…then don’t.
And feeling so old and invisible.
I didn’t know I’d be an invisible old lady at 61. The years ahead…alone and without him just terrify me.


My heart goes out to you. You sound so terribly alone.
I’m finding this journey almost impossible but I have the support of family and friends. To think your friends have abandoned you is awful.
Please keep posting on this forum. I have found it really helpful. Just to talk to others who are going through the same, we are here to help and support each other.
It won’t take away the pain, but might help to know that others are thinking of you, and are disgusted at the way your so called friends are treating you.
Love and hugs xx

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@Herthatwas no you’re not overreacting - unfortunately - and this is a common theme experienced by people in our situation - you find out who your “friends” actually are.

You’ll probably hear from her in a few days with some lame story - she’s not your friend and never was. Cold hard reality. Everyone is your friend when times are good, when the chips are down, people show their true nature.

As far as the cousin acquiring all assets, it is true that under intestacy law, next of kin trumps common law partner in the absence of a will, however, a claim can be made if you are able to show you were financially dependant on your partner.
This may be worth exploring

Stay strong


I totally get your anger ! I was like that absolutely furious with the world and people ! I been told by counsellor and read books that this is a common reaction to grief ! People really show their true colours as @MemoriesOfUs said … its just awful how they can be so cold and cruel when you lost the person you loved most in all the world ! I have lost faith in human nature since all this happened ! I never really rated it that much before tbh … take care and get legal advice xx


@Herthatwas i am so sorry for you . It’s difficult enough for you without heartless friends . They all avoid us in the end . Even my sister has stopped seeing me . I hope you can get somewhere with legal advice . Keep posting as we are not fair weather friends .


I am so sorry for your loss One of my closest friends reacted to the loss of my partner in a similar way I realise now It was my mistake not hers I had big expectations and assumed she felt the same way about me as I did about her Just let it go if she comes back to you and apologises for her thoughtless and insensitivity behaviour try and forgive Otherwise let her go completely you don’t need such an unsupportive friend.
With regards to your partner s relative inheriting everything I do understand how this feels My husband died abroad and he didn’t leave a will He had a house in his home country and a lot of personal items there that I would have liked to have . Well his daughter just claimed everything for herself and moved in the house Although it was legally mine As it would have been too complicated and too expensive to employ solicitors to remove her and sell the home I decided to let it go I felt very angry for a while but decided my anger was only destroying my life and am working on letting it go.
It is very lonely and sad when you lose someone you cherish but that’s what the loss of someone you love feels like I know I really miss my person so much Blessings thinking of you I hope the inheritor shows you some compassion and you find some peace Blessings

I am angry on your behalf. This person has acted very badly. You never forget who’s been there for you in the bad times, so it’s unforgiveable, and astounding, that she could act that way after you supported her at the worst time of her life.


I have had a similar experience with family and a friend.

It hurts, it disappoints, it makes you feel alone and unsupported …
and it makes you so angry!

Yes, I had expectations but to me, they were what I thought, would have been their natural reactions (having known them for years).
Obviously I was wrong and did not really have an accurate idea of who they are.

One thought that came to me is that losing my lovely husband reminded them that sometime in the future one of them would be in my position. A sad and frightening thought. I hear about the everyday things they do together also the holidays they have been on. We do not have that escape.

It is just 8 weeks since he passed but I definitely know who I can rely on.

It is difficult as not only have we lost our loved one but also the people we believed would be there for us.

Take care, sending hugs x


Youre so right bless you. Its taken me ages to realise that so well fone you but i know i been treated badly by people you thought were your friends and so called “family” … huh family - what a joke they are !! Ive found new friends i have made much more supportive than any of them ! And yeh youre probably right it reminds them that it might happen to them one day but i think a lot of it is selfishness tbh !!! Xx