So mum died in march and was cremated in may. My sis and i don’t know what to do with her ashes do they’re still at the crem. My boyf who was close to mum is mad we haven’t them picked up. Now he’s mad we haven’t made decisions about mum’s house says it’s stressing him out -what about me! Mum’s house is home. we didnt get probate until august so couldn’t do anything with it. Plus there’s a legal complication. when mum and dad divorced mum was allowed to keep the house until she died, moved or remarried then dad would get a 3rd. she had to pay mortgage and maintain it. Mum lived in it alone until she died by which time dad was also dead. Now dad’s widow thinks she’s owed the 3rd. Anyone know a good lawyer lol!!
My partner was very close to my mum, he’s giving me a hard time about not collecting her ashes (crem says don’t need to). We can’t think of where to scatter them except the back garden but we might have to sell the house. And he’s madvat me for not ‘doing something’ with mum’s house. We couldn’t until probate was granted . Why is he mad at me - it’s my mum that died!!
Hello @Milliemobs, I’ve just merged your two of threads so you can get the support that you need. This sounds really difficult and I’m glad you’ve reached out for support here. I’m giving your thread a gentle, “bump” - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts.
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Milliemobs,
If I was in your position, I would tell my partner that I need time to do what feels right.
You’re in the early stages of grief. If there’s no rush - then don’t be rushed.
I dreaded collecting my Mums ashes. However, the moment I collected them, I was relieved and glad to have them. She was home. I’ve kept my Mums ashes, as I couldn’t bear to part with them. I was under no pressure to pick them up.
One day, your sister and yourself will work out where your Mums final resting place will be.
Take time to decide.
As you state, it’s your Mum! Do what right for you and your sister.
Grief is hard and stressful enough, without added pressures.
My partner would have no or very little input into what I do with a house or my Mum ashes.
Look after yourself, as grief and stress is very draining.
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Yes I get that because my late husband thought he had the right to like put his nose in where I didn’t want it over my keeping my dad’s ashes in the house so he took it upon himself to get the undertaker to bury them in my baby’s grave which was before I wanted to. He made such a fuss about he was not having them in the house even though I hid them in my craft cupboard.
So when my mum died the undertaker asked me if I wanted him to dig them up to put in my mum’s coffin when we buried her. I said no as he wouldn’t have wanted that nor would I. But I put his name on her headstone as tu do not have to have a memorial where. The body is even if other people disagree as long as you have purchased the grave. It is easier said than done when there are these disagreements. We had the same thing over my late husband getting cross about my parents clothes. I didn’t want to dispose of them all at once so he sneaked a lot of them out and gave then to the charity shop. I know I was stupid but looking back I can glad he did get rid of them
But I didn’t like him sneaking Bd forcing things it caused a lot of resentment. I get a lot of unwanted comments from my son about what he and his wife think of my weird ideas they do not hold back on telling me about but I stick out and tell them in no uncertain terms that it is my choice. But I think they are out of order for thinking that have any right to be bossy. We all grieve differently. My brother was totally the opposite to me.
@Milliemobs
Im so sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum died in feb and i have been through the same as you with probate and her house. Its a lot to deal with. I also couldnt decide what to do with her ashes so i left her at the undertakers. You cant be rushed into making that decision and if you are not ready yet thats fine. Your partner has no say in it, its all about what you want and need. When the time is right you will know and until then they need to respect your decisions. Good luck and be strong
Just to echo - we do things as we want when we want. If something 100% doesnt feel right for you now then you dont have to do it & people need to be more understanding that this is YOUR grief. Do whatever keeps you sane & ticking over.
My mum didnt want her ashes buried. She wanted me to keep her close & take a little part of her to scatter when i go on travels. From speaking to the undertaker i have a small ornamental urn. The remainder of my mum is at the funeral directors & they will give me my mum as & when i go on travels. Things dont have to be collect all or store all…
Belongings is a tough one. From losing my dad years ago i know Too soon theres regret, too long it was another wound exposed. With my mums belongings im finding it harder as each week passes, so im doing a little consistently because i dont want to be overwhelmed.
Dont be forced to do anything, in your own time & own way is perfectly fine. Your emotionally & physically trying to process alot right now. Take care of yourself as best you can x