It is the first time I have posted on this forum. I lost my mum on Sunday 26th June to a brain tumour. She was diagnosed 3 months earlier. I tried to make the most of every moment I had with her. I loved her so much and can only get through this by thinking she is still with me in some form. Unfortunately my sister has already started talking about the jewellery she thinks she should get which is causing some falling out, I don’t think we should be talking about it at this stage or I am not ready to. We are also not agreeing with how the funeral arrangements should go so this is making everything so much harder. Is this all normal? Any advice or sharing of previous experiences would help. Thank you. Rebecca
I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember when my Nana died my cousin wanted done of her ashes for some jewellery which was totally not what she would have wanted and that caused some arguments. In fact I could write a fairly long piece on massive arguments caused by people thinking they should get something (my Nana didn’t speak to one of her sons ever again over a cheese dish). It is to soon to be talking about who gets what, but some people have very sentimental attachments to things. I don’t get on massively well with my sister but I’ve found that not letting her wind me up means we can stay friends. I was lucky that my partner, who I lost on 13th June, left very detailed plans about his funeral wishes. I get the feeling that you maybe did a lot more caring for your mum than your sister? That could cause resentment both ways as well. But she is mourning as well. I believe the funeral is there for the living and so if it can accommodate both your wishes as much as possible that is ideal. I had to make some compromises with my partner’s funeral to accommodate his daughter’s wishes. It’s a difficult and fraught time xxx
Hi spicerR
A few weeks after my mum died suddenly, my sister and her children all came round to search through my mums jewellery box and take something.
My sister took my mums diamond and onyx ring that she had been given for her 21st birthday. I loved that ring.
I was so hurt but I didn’t say anything. 3 years on I feel differently about it all. The jewellery would just be sitting in mums box and after I die our kids would probably get rid anyway.
My sister and I also didn’t agree on some of the funeral yet now I hardly even think of the day itself. I just think of my mum, how much I loved her, what fun memories we made.
It will all seem unimportant in time.
Cheryl
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Thank you Cheryl, this does help.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I am doing my best and compromising where possible.
Hi Spicer
what a difficult time you have had & still it goes on, is there a will? Possibly not, if not then the sharing of property becomes very difficult, depending on what other family members did during that hard time… I suspect very little, then tell them all to get stuffed, your Mum mattered more than chattels they have to wait until you are ready. My thoughts are with you x
Thank you. Will is all goes to my dad but my mum appears to have had conversations then with my sister re jewellery which I knew nothing about and has confused things. Now the jewellery is going back so all is fair.
So a different perspective is that a week after my mum died. Dad said “would you like to have some of mums jewellery.” Me and the kids went through it all because we all just desperately wanted something of hers close to us. That night I kissed my mums eternity ring I was wearing and the children went to bed wearing her necklaces. None of them are worth anything. It was all purely sentimental. My brother on the other hand didn’t even want to look at my mums jewellery box. About 6 months later he said he was ready. I think it’s just another example of how people grieve differently. As long as it’s done respectfully with the right intentions.
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I think that sounds a good approach. I think I felt my sister was deciding on conversations she had with my mum which me and my dad weren’t aware of. Things will settle I’m sure.
It’s all so raw right now. Everything feels magnified by a million. It will settle down. I know it hurts to think those conversations happened without your knowledge. Try and put it to one side for now.