Passing of my nan

Hi Everyone,

I don’t really know what I’m gaining from writing this. I know it’s one of them situations that’s nothing anyone can say can change the situation. But I’m struggling. I’m really struggling. My Nan passed away a few weeks ago. It all happened very quickly. She had COPD for as long as I can remember, she went to her GP as she was struggling with her breathing, she thought she’d need a nebuliser at home (as she had have many a times before) they took some bloods and sent her on her way. Two days later she had a call from the hospital to tell her that they wanted to admit her as they noticed some bits from her blood tests that didn’t look right and that they wanted to do some more tests. This was on a Thursday. My mum called me to tell me and I dropped work and drove straight to be there at the hospital. They done more tests and they discovered that she had one of the rarest and most aggressive cases of cancer that they had ever seen. High grad B cell lymphoma. It wasn’t normal lymphoma in the glands, it was in her blood and bone marrow. We were with her every day for 6 days, watching her deteriorate every single day. Until she passed away on the Wednesday. The Drs and Consultants told us that even if she was 30years younger (she was only 75) and had no underlying health conditions it would have been the same outcome. They also reckon that she would have only had the cancer a week prior to her passing.
My Nan was my grandads carer, he has had 2 strokes and since then dementia. My grandad doesn’t understand all of the time what’s going on. He is aware one minute and then the next he forgets. It’s making the whole situation so much harder.
My partner isn’t sympathetic in the slightest (only when it suits him) I don’t have friends I can talk to and I’m really struggling with this loss. I keep thinking about all the times I’d miss a call and then life would get in the way and it would be a week or two until I called her back. All of the times I could have gone and visited, it’s killing me. I don’t know how to deal with any-of this. I’m hurting, but I feel like I’m having to hold it all in because I haven’t got anyone here supporting me through it all.

What an awful shock you have had, I’m so sorry for your sudden loss. I hope you gain something from writing here, if you can read some of what others have written you might see that it helps to see that you are not alone with your grief. People here understand what you are going through although we each journey through it at our own pace.
The regrets you have about missing phone calls and not visiting…most people have those sort of regrets but it won’t help to beat yourself up about it. Just take things slowly, do only what you can do and be kind to yourself.
You say you don’t have anyone else to turn to, well now you have all of us here so I hope you will write again.
Take care,
Daisyrose x

i understand what your going through, my friends are the exact same and think joking about cancer is funny, they forgot what i went through and it hurts me but i just have to deal with it. I honestly wish my nan was back, you too probably but we will get through this together