I have found a lovely and kind group on this forum and I am so grateful for the advice given to me so far.
I am 47 and my partner was older than me but we were soulmates and loved each so much. We had our little blips but we so quickly made up and we made the absolute of life to the max especially in her last year. I feel bad sometimes and i dwell on things I said and wish I could wave a magic wand to rectify them. I know I cannot do this.
I also feel haunted on her last minutes and all I did was sob and howled as she passed away in my arms. I feel so guilty of this and beat myself up on that fact. There are days now I think despite distractions and go over and over them. My heart is broken and feel stuck going no where. I look at our photos and making an album. I often think of the times she had before me and Lynn had a difficult life with constant health issues and unsuccessful relationships . But then she met me and we flourished. Lynn told friends that her anxiety lowered and her love for me was unconditional in the time we first met. It was love at first sight.
I honestly do not know how to move on and I know its only been just over 3 months but the pain is physically and mentally exhausting. I am on medication and having counselling but its very slow and I am scared when it will finish as i will have little support after.
Lynn is forever on my mind and everything triggers me. I cannot even go to a shop without something reminding me of her. I feel so alone and lockdown of course makes life very isolating. I suffer from Border Line Personality disorder so my emotions are way more intense and I struggle with my low moods. Mental health on the Isle of Wight is very limited and they cannot really give me any support. I have a nice G.P but he is only limited on what he can do.
I feel sometimes I want to be with her but I know Lynn would not want that but I hate the the empty bed, it a lonely place and our physical intimate times which I go over in my head were something else and I miss those times dreadfully. I think of them a lot but is this right?
We had so much fun and now I feel a such shadow of myself. I used to be happy and social but now I hide in my home and rarely go out. I just do not have the energy. The yearning is so much at times. I do talk to her when I am doing things so am doing all the things people say to do.
Many friends have dropped off and I feel quite alone. I think they expect me to be better now and though I tell them I feel little difference they back off which i do understand. My grief I think for them is to overwhelming and I rationalize this.
I love Lynn with all my heart and soul.
She was some one so special but I feel a complete lost without her. I feel guilty because I wish I said things to her when she was here. she was spiritual and I know she is in a better place but I cannot ’ feel her ’ sometimes. It makes me sad and very low in mood. I just miss her with all my heart. A massive hole is now left in me and I feel angry she was taken from me when she was settling into a new home and life.
I am sorry if I have written so many things down but it is at the moment my only way of doing things. Thank you for you patience.
Made me cry
My heart breaks for us all
Life without are soulmate
Best friend lover husband wife
All is heartbreaking pain is there all the time
I drink a lot hoping I don’t wake up in the morning
And I can’t be bothered with the house or life without
Andy xx
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And sorry forgot to put beautiful pictures xx
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I’m sorry @Grant73 I fully sympathise with everything you are feeling as they mirror a lot of what I am also feeling.
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@grant73 - everything you wrote resonated completely with me. My wonderful husband died 6 weeks ago and I just cannot get my brain or heart to accept the reality than I will never see or speak to him again. Everywhere I go, shops or wherever, reminds me . I am haunted by things that I could or should have done or said. This is unremitting pain. And only those of us writing here really and truly understand.
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So true the hurt and pain is unbearable
People say it will get better I can’t see that myself
My husband was my one and only love
I put him first always xx
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@debbie55 I agree with you - I just can’t see how time will make a difference at all. Every day is just another 24 hours to get through. I’m just reliving every moment and thinking ‘if only I’d done this or that’ or ‘if only I’d said that’. And lockdown is just adding another layer of pain
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So hard I am always drinking now
Block the pain out for a few mins
X
Me too. Every day I tell myself that I can manage without a drink. But I haven’t managed that even one day since my husband died. Sometimes I feel so bad that I don’t have more self control. Other times I think ‘ whatever takes the edge off and gets me through’.
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Me to drank to much again
Don’t know why ido it as the pain still there in the morning
Not sure how to do anything at the min
So bloody sad
Love to you all xx
Dear @Grant73,
So much of what you say matches my own thoughts and feelings. It is just over 6 months since I lost my wife suddenly. Broken heart and feeling stuck - yes. She’s always on my mind - yes, every minute of every day. Feeling alone - absolutely. Feeling I want to be with her - more and more each day. Feeling like a shadow of myself - yes, I feel like an empty shell which has lost the biggest and better part of me. Feeling lost without her - oh yes, yes, yes. I am also having counselling which offers some release, just to be able to express these thoughts and feelings but it doesn’t alter the fundamental problem - the most precious person in my life is no longer beside me. For now, I try not to look too far ahead, but I’ve always been a born worrier and it’s difficult not to think ahead. I don’t have any answers but I just wanted you to know that you are by no means alone in the way you feel. I hope that better days may be ahead for all of us.
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Dear Grant, I read your nice writeup about your lovely wife It makes me feel very sad that a kind gentleman like you has had t o endure a deeply grievous loss as you had gone thru. I feel you did a loving tribute for your soulmate. I read each word and understand how you are feeling. What a tremendous loss! I feel for you my friend. I too have lost a very kind and loving person in my life too - she took me as I am (in some ways I felt I didn’t deserve her and told her one night ) she and I were out one night at a party (for older folks of course), we had a nice time. We were walking to the car in the parking lot - I slipped on a patch ice - she helped to get on my feet. When we got home, I felt so weakened, she helped to get undressed so I could get to bed --At that point I told her that I didn’t deserve her. (I was feeling useless). She looked me in the eye told me that Yes, you deserve me! I will never forget that moment. She died suddenly in suddenly in November 2019. Another time was in early November - we went to a steakhouse where they were honoring military veterans — the staff treated so well it brought tears to her eyes. She was that way. I share this with you to let you know that even men miss their lovely wives who stood with them, despite our faults. I MISS HER SO MUCH! Your tribute brought that back to me Thank you for your post.
A Friend,
Herb
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