Hi
I am 52 and lost my husband of 31 years 6 weeks ago, and am struggling to make sense of it all, as we all are.
I have 4 wonderful children, the youngest who is 16, and I am trying my very best to support them as they try to come to terms with losing their dad who they loved so much.
I also have an energetic dog who I walk three times a day so this helps me get out the house and is something that I thought was a good thing.
However as I continue to drag myself out the door each day I have been faced with neighbours and friends who live nearby blatantly avoiding me, and this is bothering me more and more each day.
So when people see me out walking the dog, or just out and about, they change direction to avoid me, or just walk by giving no eye contact at all, or if they do speak they completely ignore the fact that my husband ever existed.
These very same people came to my husbands funeral and sent lovely cards saying they would be there for me and my family any time. But they are not there for me and my kids and they canât seem to even bear to acknowledge my presence.
I have started just saying good morning to these people who then tend to look embarrassed and move on as quick as they can.
But I am finding this is taking its toll on me and I now am starting to feel anxious about going outside. I donât want to feel this way but how can I make people understand how hurtful their behaviour is and how it is making my already shattered life so much more difficult. I do have good support from a few close friends and family but I feel like my trust in human compassion is ebbing away.
Has anyone else had this happen to them and if so how did you manage ?
Hi @roni52
How can people be so cruel, at a time you need care & support, 
GRRR! It makes me furious that people can act this way. Sadly, if you read through on here, you are not alone in this, I think when people have never been through it themselves, they feel uncomfortable because they donât know what to say, though in my opinion thatâs no excuse to not at least say, âHi, how are you?â Itâs at times like these you find who your real friends are. My heart goes out to you at this upsetting time. Pls know that you are not alone, there are always people on this forum, weâve all been through the sad loss of a loved one, so have some sense how it feels.
Just remember, those that mind donât matter, & those that matter donât mind, people that treat you this way are not worth wasting your energy on, you have enough on your plate right now, itâs the family & friends that do stick around that are worth your time, they will get you through.
I donât want this to sound petty, but, when people are like that with you, you have a choice, you can choose not to talk to them either, but remember, you can walk with your head held high in the knowledge youâve done nothing wrong, you didnât treat anyone that way. Focus on what matters most, as a parent I know the kids always come first no-matter what, walking the dog sounds like a great way to get out for a while & take time out. If it helps, maybe find different walks locally, maybe on weekends take the kids with you & make it family time, this would also break up the routine a bit & give you a break from the same places where you run into people like that. Hope this helps. Sending hugs of support at this distressing time.
Hello, I experienced this & I found it upsetting & like I had some sort of contagious disease, I think people who havenât lost a partner donât know how to deal with someone who has, will they say something that will upset you? What if you ask for their help? Will they get lumbered with you?
In the end I made a point when I saw them of saying âgood morningâ & if I could stop & say something trivial like âhope the rain keeps off I want to cut the grassâ after a while theyâll realise they can deal with you normally.
Itâs the old saying âthey know not what they doâ Iâve never forgotten how they were & donât feel the same way about them but it now means itâs not so uncomfortable.
Yes, had one set of neighbours like this. It really took me by surprise.
A little while ago the husband was walking towards me and did speak.
Now, if he sees me, he will stop and have a chat.
However, the wife still tries to avoid eye contact, acknowledging me.
I think it hurts because we donât expect it and also when we feel so alone we feel even more isolated when this happens.
Take care, x
People are horrible ⌠you find that out on this journey we are on 
not everybody thank god but a lot are xx
Thanks so much - all that you say is true I know but it sometimes is just so hard to manage on a daily basis.
You do certainly find out who your friends are at a time like this - but it makes me sad that I lose these people along with my husband.
Our society needs to do better at dealing with grief but it is a huge comfort to have others on here lending their support and love xxx
Wise words and sound advice - thanks
Will try and rise above it like you say and hopefully it will get easier.
Good to know itâs not just me - did think about getting a T-shirt saying ânew widow - avoid and walk away â 
Very flipping true that is our society really needs to step up ! Its just pathetic really !!! Because one day its gonna happen to.them Xx
Lol âŚleast you still.got sense of humour .
What they did near me was give me pitying looks âŚdunno which is worse !!! Xx
I had the same with people who I thought were friends and they said they would support me it didnât happen how could they do that . They are very shallow people and one day it may happen to them well I wonât be there for them and may be they will know how we felt. Itâs so sad when you need them they are not there.Hold your head high lots of love to you all.
You donât need it at a time like this you find out who your true friends are . Maggie 1981 
So true xxxx
Hi Deb how are you doing. I hope you are well and coping itâs so hard toget past a life we knew to a life that we donât no. I do hope your friend is still there for you. Take care Maggie xxx
Oh my dog walker friend is that what u mean ? Yeh hes about lol bless him. My bit of eye candy 
gonna send you a PM ok xx
Hello all,
Sorry I realise this is a thread from last year and I donât wish to upset anyone by bringing up feelings.
May I ask though - Did it get any better? I am beginning to get very paranoid about the same problem. Like a previous comment mentioned I receive cards then nothing. Some people are looking at me then looking busy so they donât have to speak to me, others are avoiding my eye completely. Itâs very hurtful and I am trying very hard not to focus on it xx
Roni52
This is exactly what has been happening to me for 22 weeks and still is Simon walked his dog everyday chatting to dog walkers now I am doing they either ignore me or stop and chat about the weather I am screaming inside I even bring Simon into conversation nothing anyway I was crying around the lake trying to keep it in someone stopped said are you ok obviously said no she said the reason they havenât stopped didnât want to upset me donât understand they still donât say his name now I am just walking the streets instead of our lake . I have seen people point at my house and I want to shout yes I am the young widow
Bless you ⌠just ignore them ⌠theyârenot important âŚ.. just be around people who give you strength and understanding xx
Oh Iâve not been on this site in a while and this just popped up as soon as I logged in.
All I can say is that for me it hasnât really changed. The same people still ignore me, or avoid me or chat but donât mention my husband - as if he never existed.
What has changed is my attitude towards it. I still hate that they are like that but it doesnât bother me so much. I just accept that they are unable to be compassionate people for whatever reason - I try not to be too judgemental but I usually fail at that 
I still get pitying looks from some. Which I hate. I still have friendâs who have just completely ghosted me. That still hurts like hell. And some people more recently have been getting back in touch as they obviously think I should be better by now so it would be good to be friends again !!! Like that will ever happen. Why would anyone want a friend who disappears at the worst possible moment of their life ??
I have however made new friends - a lot of them also widowed - or who are compassionate enough to ask about my husband even though they never knew him.
I know the place I still live in will never be the same and so have come to realise that I will have to leave my beloved home and move to another place once my youngest leaves home in a couple of years
That breaks my heart but I will always be living with baggage here - the womanâs who lost her husband at such a young age
I canât live with that hanging round me for ever so a new life will have to be that - completely new .
It terrifies me but is sadly maybe the only way I can live freely again .
Which it shouldnât have to be like.
For those going through it just now I truly am sorry. It sucks. But there are people who are caring and compassionate and are able to show you that. Those who hide behind the not wanting to upset you banner are just not worth bothering about. Try focus on the more important stuff.
You remember your loved one in the best way you can and the rest really donât matter a jot.
Love and strength. 
I worked in an Independent facility for elders and we had one resident who I wonât forget what he said. He lost his wife relatively young, 60âs and he became an alcoholic due to his distress. I was talking to him and he said, âWe all get our turn.â And, it stayed w/ me because heâs right. The ones that avoid you or minimize it will get their turn one day, too.
Thank you so much for your reply. I am very grateful.
I am so sorry for what you have been through and still are going through. Your words have really helped me and I will take strength from them. Thank you x
You are right. What matters is surrounding yourself with the people who make you happy and give you strength. It is so hard not to be hurt by those who ignore or avoid but maybe weâre just better off without them!
Sending strength back to you 
I have a dentist Iâve been going to for years and my husband went, too, the last few years he was here. Never once did she even say Iâm sorry after he passed. The office sent me a card, but she just wouldnât offer a personal condolescence. I thought it very odd.