I know i am stating the obvious, " personality change…" since we lost our partners, apologies to everyone who has lost someone but i am talking now of a partner- a hubby or a wife only of which we shared our closet ties with, a relationship - a sex life and so forth…I know my personality has changed drastically…I have become more abrubt in my words, my tolarance to other people who tell me they dont want to keep hearing me repeating about my MS illness, my loss of my partner Richard on a face to face level not on our forum i must add…Of course i have tried to keep my cool but i hate the being told what to say, what not to say, when to say it, how to say it, how not to open my mouth, where and when to keep my troubles to myself as others have their own ailments - troubles as well…Well of course they do, but at this moment in time are we in " full understanding of others mode, " no we are not…I am not referring to our own forum just outside intervention that are dominating that we hush our mouth and keep focussed on where we are and what we are doing and why we are there, i am talking of outside social groups such as U3A’s meeting groups and other meeting venues…Yes my tolerance i have to shelve when around others, because i have been told so…I just want to deal with my grieving process my way, and if that is letting off steam or relaying the same story over and over again, so be it…
Jackie…
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I omitted to make clear that i have become more angry, more bitter, not that this is the way i want to be, want to stay, i dont, but this is me now since the sudden and unexpected death of y Richard 11th April…This is not the ME i want to be, nor want to become but it is the me i have turned into now for the passed six months and not sure when i will become the more softer me again…I am of course wishing and hoping i get through this bitterness, angriness with know it all outsiders who think they can hush us, silence us to fit in with others …this personality change i am now thrown into, i am not liking myself, nor loving me one bit, this is not the me i want to be…I know this is our grief body doing the talking, this is a big changeover period for the all of us…I am sure all our personalities have changed…of course we have changed, we are not the bubbly, conservationists we were once such as talking about others happy families, the weather, what we are preparing for a family dinner, the restaurant we are going to or went to last night, who’s son or daughter is soon to get married, which church it will be held in, no our conversations are now based around the one subject that becomes tedious or boring to outsiders…Although we still want to talk, but our talking is not to outsiders tastes, only to us on our bereavement forums, we have become members of a society not one of us ever wished to join but, here we are…
Jackie ((( hug )))
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Jackie, I am so sorry you have come up against people that just don’t understand what grief really means to those of us suffering. Don’t they understand that we are all over the place, we don’t know what is happening to us.
I can certainly say without a shadow of a doubt that I have changed from the confident, capable person I once was to a dithering, frightened, miserable being. I am trying hard and find myself chatting and laughing with people but can cry in another second. I was the person people came to and didn’t like showing weakness, now I am the weak one and so very lost. The old me does appear at times but I think it’s because i have been that person for so many years I know how to produce her, but never to stay for long.
I remember a local man who lost his wife, he just couldn’t understand why she was gone. We went into the pub every Friday night and he would be there at the bar so sad and alone, I would always go over to him and chat although I never did know his name. People were sympathetic for a while but then you noticed them keeping away from him. I carried on talking to him and every week we had the same conversation. I didn’t understand then why he repeated the same things week after week, now I do, O how I do. We stopped going to the pub and few years later I saw him again but he never even acknowledged me, he had no idea who I was. I had just been someone that had listened. People don’t want to listen for long, that is why this forum is so helpful, we do listen, we all understand your pain. You find comfort in remembering the happier times, the house you lived in, your dogs. We have lost it all and can’t understand why just as we all try to understand why our loved ones have been snatched away from us. What harm was any of us doing. Do we really deserve this pain because we loved someone.
One day I am sure you and all of us will find ourselves again or learn to live with the people we have become.
Take care Jackie and you know you can always contact me.
Pat xxx
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Oh Pat. A heartfelt post as usual. Whatever you say about yourself you have certainly picked me off the floor on occasions. Oh yeah!! Everyone who has not suffered is full of good advice. They think they help but most of the time it’s not at all helpful. Your story about the man in the pub is so interesting. You say that when you met him again he didn’t remember you. Does it matter? You were there for him at that time and that’s all that really matters.
I have found to the contrary to what most seem to feel. I was somewhat intolerant before. Not now. I didn’t really know the meaning of empathy. I do now. Altogether I’m a far better person than I was, and for me the loss of my wife has made me much more aware of the pain of others. It does go to show the effect grief can have on different people. I still am in the pain of grief, but the light does get brighter.
‘Dithering frightened miserable being’. Oh no Pat, no way. Not you.
Now take care and be kind to yourself.
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Dear Jonathon,your last paragraph could be describing me, before and after my husbands death.I used to be quite feisty, quick to anger and intolerant
I am nothing like that now, I am much more tolerant of others foibles.
I really liked your sentence regarding the loss of your wife made you more aware of others, I find it really comforting. Up til reading your post I would have said that no good whatsoever ever could come from his death
I think some of my husbands personality is inhabiting my soul and I have been given that to help me recover from this awful awful grief. I know it’s a very fanciful think to say/write but your post and comments made me feel uplifted and yes I hope Iam growing to be more like him . He was wonderful
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Your words echo how I feel. I too have become a much gentler person. I can control my impatience, intolerance and negative reactions to others so much more easily than before. I am proud of myself and I like the person I see emerging. It is bittersweet because this is how I should have been before - but I am this way because of this brutal trauma. My Che became so soft & gentle and full of compassion and true strength the last few months. He caused this change in me. And this change has been an integral part of my healing process…And in his honour I am fighting to become someone he would be proud of. I believe our souls were intertwined and what he saw & realized about life & compassion was truly given to me. It brings me some comfort & peace to be this person. I also know that it is up to me to cultivate this new nature, this new attitude toward others.
This site has brought me so much comfort and understanding and feelings of empathy. It has shown me that this road before me will not always be dark…The sole purpose of my life, as I see it right now, is to heal myself. Today was a good day - Good events transpired for me and I felt a tiny glimmer of hope for my future and for the first time I felt a spark of faith relight inside of me…
Thank you - your words, as well as those of others, uplifted me…
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Dear Jonathan
You always offer such wise counsel. I don’t believe I have really changed much - but think perhaps I am a little more feisty if something angers me - but likewise I am also more patient and tolerant of others and think more carefully what they may be going through in their lives, and I am definitely more emotional - and cry not just for Gary, and for my loss but for others too. But fundamentally I am the same person - I remain cheerful and still love making people laugh. I enjoy the company of friends and colleagues - all of whom, almost without exception, are kind and thoughtful. I believe I am luckier than most in that my friends are always quick to offer a hug or listen to me talking about him if I need to . Yes sometimes I am in despair but I choose to keep those moments to the safety of my bedroom, or my car if I can. I am no different to the child I was when I would wait until I got home to cry if someone upset me - probably because I never liked showing any vulnerability. One of my younger colleagues said to another before I returned to work - I know what she has gone through but I hope she is the same Trisha - and I am. Yes of course I cannot believe how cruel and unfair it was to lose Gary when he was only 60 and how all our plans for the future just evaporated - but like Heather Diane I feel I have absorbed some of the kind funny man he was. He was a truly kind and thoughtful and is not just missed by me and our children - but by others who ring me and tell me how much they miss him. I don’t think he - or I - realised how much people thought of him and I have been overwhelmed by the lovely things people say to me. We did not have a vast friendship network but those we have and I still use we - have been good and true to me and his memory. I know my life is so different - it is a sad and lonely place at times - but I refuse to live the rest of my life in a bubble. I have a single friend in her fifties - who has never been lucky enough to find her soulmate - and another who had a husband who walked all over her and left her - and I consider myself so much luckier than they are. I know I was truly loved for 40 years. People say you have to work at being married - we never did, we did not have to - but I have to work at being single now. Yes I will cry today and everyday - but I will still be me - a slightly different me - but still someone who can make others laugh, someone who is interested and willing to help others - for there is more joy in giving than receiving. I have to stay positive for the lovely man I was married to. He put me first and if as I believe the light that was his soul is still with me - I am not going to make him feel bad for leaving me. Love is putting the other person first and I still love him and will always love him - he is just not here to talk to and make me laugh. Sorry I did not mean to ramble on so …
I must now get on with my day - and hope everyone here receives a little kindness today either from friends or strangers.
Trisha xx
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These posts have been interesting.
My partner was always thoughtful and considerate to others whereas I was the quick tempered, feisty one.
Now I find myself thinking what would he have done or how would he have acted before I react to anything.
Hope this in time will make me a far more tolerant and patient person with more empathy for others.
Think it might be working in a small way already.
Certainly have more empathy for others after going through these horrendous months.
Will definitely listen to others without showing impatience if I should come across anyone who feels the need to talk.
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I know that a part of grief can anger. I was always swift to loose my temper. I’m determined to be as patient and kind as I possible now that my mother has passed on. I intend to listen more and be less judgemental. I don’t have to be right. I just need to be tolerant and kind. I want to be gentle and patient. I think that will in the long term lead to happiness. I know I will forever grieve my Mum, but it will I hope get easier one day. In the week leading to my mothers death I’d lost my temper. We made up, but I still have deep regrets.
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